Don’t Allow These Five People Into Your Life

No one wants to go through life feeling paranoid and assessing people every second. Unfortunately, it is a cross we all must bear. The people you allow into your life can either make you be at peace with yourself, or they can make you question yourself endlessly. Of course, it is difficult to box all of these people into five simple categories, but I believe being able to identify these basic five can save you from  experiencing the advanced stages of the emotional whirlwind they carry with them

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 #1 The Blameless ones: We’ve all met them – those who refuse to take any responsibility whatsoever for friendships or relationships that have gone awry. They sit and tell about what X did and what Y said, but conveniently forget what role they played. These are the people you get into a relationship with and immediately begin to regret it. These are people who never admit they are wrong but will instead insist that their intentions are noble, hence, even though their actions hurt, they cannot accept any kind of blame. I could go on and on about them, but let me rather tell you the impact they could have on you. Depending on the dynamics of your relationship, if in some way they have managed to ingratiate themselves to you, you will find yourself apologising for every single thing. You may one day find yourself apologising for breathing! Save yourself the strain and just run.

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#2 The Loud-mouthed informant: There is usually that one person in every group dynamic who knows something about everyone else. That person who comes over to your crib and tells you what everyone else is dealing with, who the joker of the group is, whose boyfriend has two penises and whose breasts have gone from firm oranges to flaccid cucumbers. This person will often set his/her eyes on you when you are the new person in the group, and trust me when I say a lot of wisdom is required here. The loud-mouthed informant can easily get you into an attitude of gossip where you find yourself taking sides in an imaginary battle, and taking ownership of POVs that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Pause. Breathe. Change the subject every single time. Don’t volunteer any personal information. Don’t offer an opinion on any negative bit of information regarding anyone else. Why? The loud-mouthed informant has two things you may not be able to sustain in the long run – time to go around learning everyone’s business and of course broadcasting them, and the ability to turn the tables on you should hell break loose. My advice? Hear no evil. Make it clear you are not interested. And if you really want to piss off the loud-mouthed informant, sympathize with the negative stories. This shows you are on a different wavelength. Oh! Another name for these people? GOSSIPS

#3 The Deluded ones: I have found over the years that these people are more common than we like to admit. I met one recently and I found myself thinking ‘Do I have a stamp on my forehead that recognizes the crazy in these people and pulls them toward me?’ Fortunately for me, I have learned that the delusion of grandeur is a craft many people have mastered. They attempt to approach every friendship or relationship from an elevated point of view of … wait for it… themselves. They assume that they are better than you are, smarter, more interesting, more successful. They assume in the weirdest way that they are doing you a favor by being a part of your life. They will name-drop as often as they can, and tell you about the important things they do and have. They will pay you compliments you know are not true and will explain anything they perceive as a fault in themselves before you even recognize the fault (I can write a whole book about these people).

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But when reality hits that you have more going for you than they have going for themselves, they try to ingratiate themselves towards you. They start to offer you things that can help you ‘be better’ and ‘do better’. ISSA TRAP! Don’t even fall for it. You need to shatter their illusion by assertively declining. You should, however, be prepared for some backlash. When a deluded person finds it hard to crack you, they will pull down your image if they can. They will rather have people believe you are not good enough for them than admit that you saw straight through their BS and stopped them in their tracks. The delusion of grandeur runs deep guys. Just don’t get entangled in it.

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#4 The ‘All-eyes-on-me’ buddies: Now these people are really something. Have you ever had a friend who wanted you to be successful…. but not so successful that you end up better off than they are? I can them the contraceptive buddies. These are people who stick around in your life and appear to encourage you. However, the moment you share a vision or a dream with them, they abort it with their very glossy presentation about how many things could go wrong. If that does not work, they tell you not to get your hopes up too much. Afterall, life is unpredictable. They will support your dreams if they are smaller than theirs, but will never support a dream that will catapult you to a height they perceive they cannot reach. These buddies are not out to harm you, but they will never let anything grow in you. I don’t even need to go into details here. JUST RUN.

#5 The Frozen: I have learned recently that no matter how great you are at something, or how well you are doing, there are people who will not clap for you out loud, nor will they ever pay you a compliment out loud. They will rather burst into tiny feathers than say “Hey! You are doing so well”. It is as though they are frozen. They will rather point out everything you are doing wrong (no matter how insignificant they are) than tell you everything you are doing right. And if they cannot find anything you are doing wrong, they will manufacture something (It does not take long; the factories are in their heads). They will look for something that dims your shine and makes you feel insignificant. Avoid these people, especially when you are feeling down and out. Avoid them when you are on top of your game, or on your way uphill. They will never see anything good in any step you take. Don’t waste your energy. Preserve it for pursuing your success whether they clap or not.

Do check out my YouTube channel. Search Demi Fayemiwo on YouTube

XOXO

 

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This Feminism Nonsense

Feminism is just absolute nonsense! Really now! Look at how it has altered the dynamics of society, making women think they own the place and call the shots when clearly this world was built for men and men alone. This feminism is an unnecessary revolution staged to destroy what actually works in society to create a system where roles have been changed, slaves have become masters and life has become hell for men. Women no longer want to cook for their husbands because of feminism. Women no longer want to be bothered with house chores because of feminism. Women now want equal pay (like they have the same responsibilities as men). Women want to be respected like men (like seriously? Did Sarah not call Abraham Lord?)

Of course, men are retaliating; men no longer pick up the bill on dates they invite women to because well… she’s a feminist. If she wants equal rights, she should pay the bill. Men can no longer tell their wives what she can or cannot do with her life. They can no longer decide if she gets to study further or gets to keep her childhood friend. Their authority in their homes has been undermined because of this feminism nonsense. Women no longer want to submit; they don’t want to apologize when their men cheat; they don’t even ask what they did wrong that led him to cheat and try to fix things. They have these groups like FIN on Facebook that provide support and improve their self-esteem. This feminism nonsense has made women too strong! So strong that men no longer find them appealing, and have to now subject potential spouses to interrogations aimed at testing their aversion or adherence to submission. It has become a necessity to screen submissiveness, no thanks to this feminism nonsense.

This feminism nonsense has come to erode the hearts of impressionable young women who do not understand the need to be weak and vulnerable so they can be appealing to the men who are available. These women think they deserve better because this feminism nonsense said so.

Women now want to negotiate equal pay at work because feminism said so; they have no respect for men who are psychologically, emotionally and physically abusive because of this feminism. Women now speak up, they meet up, they hold their heads up because feminism said so. Can this feminism nonsense just die a natural death like du-rags and over-sized jeans did? (Or are those not really dead? Lord help us!

LOL.

Of course, these views are not my own. These are the views of many people out there who have absolutely no idea what feminism is or how it came about or even why it is necessary for society. There are interestingly many people out there who still believe the burden of keeping society falls on women and I bet if you are one of them, you just got disappointed reading this paragraph. HEHEHE. Sorry, not sorry.

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Everything Will Be Alright

There are times when I don’t understand how life works. Yesterday at church, we were asked to write letters to God and I honestly did not know what to write. I did not understand everything that was going through my heart. I asked myself if it would be an appropriate avenue to yell and complain, or was it a good time to say “thank you God for all those things I didn’t thank you for”. Was it a good time to cry and just tell God I was about to give up on him? Or could I just ask questions and hope for the best answers? What exactly was I supposed to write? I sincerely did not know so I left the page blank.

It did not help that this morning I got heartbreaking news of someone’s loss. I cried. Why does God let those who trust and love him go through so much pain? Why does faith need to be tested and shaken on all sides to be proven? I wish I had the answers but I don’t.

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One thing I do believe in though is that nothing is indeed permanent. I have fought and won so many battles, such that re-living the emotions I felt back then is almost impossible now. Indeed there are those battles that have left marks as reminders, but I choose to see them as scars that remind me of the strength I possess. I see them as proof of valiance and hope that I can face anything else that comes my way. Guess what? You can too.

As a child, I learned a quote that said “Everything will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, then it is not the end.” It gives me hope everytime I think about it. It makes me realize that I am not at the end when I am in the midst of a storm. I am not at the end when I am in pain and suffering. I am not at the end when I am buried beneath battles and numbness I cannot explain. You are not at the end either.

Every trial has a purpose. Every battle produces a hero. Thankfully, with God, we are not heroes like Achilles with sad endings. We are headed towards beautiful endings crafted in the beauty of God’s grace and favour. Even in the numbness you feel now, know that God is able to bring excitement and beauty that will blow your mind. I can imagine you don’t want to hear that now…certainly not in the midst of your pain and suffering. I can understand that…but I can’t help but tell you…

Just like everything else you have been through, this too shall pass.

All will be well.

P.S: In honor of forgotten dreams, I am finishing posts I saved as draft over the years. This is post number 4.

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This is Why Many Christian Women Accept Abuse

I started writing this post about four years ago, and for some reason, I did not finish it. It was a very angry post, written with a lot of emotions that would have caused you all to wonder if my page was hacked.

Since I have decided to finish all the posts I saved as draft in honor of forgotten dreams during the month of August, here goes:

 You may not like the tone of this post but I will simply come out and say it: the abuse many women suffer in relationships is often a result of ill-conceived notions others have projected on to them. Notions that have come from the realities of others, which are now projected as facts rather than the isolated experiences they are. Notions that lead them to believe there is nothing better out there, notions that continually impress on their minds that abuse is a normal way of life, and no one is free from it. Yes sure, there are self-esteem issues to consider and parental patterns that have been imprinted from childhood, but in this post, let’s first discuss the impact other women have on the movement of abuse.

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There are many women in the world, in this age of enlightenment who indeed believe that abuse is a normal way of life. There are many women who spread notions such as “all men cheat”, “a man can still love you and cheat”, and “learn to avoid speaking up so he does not abuse you.” There are many Christian women who stand in places of influence and indirectly support the abuse of their fellow women.

I remember watching a video where a woman had asked a panel of Christian women for advice concerning her marriage where she was the breadwinner and was abused everyday by a husband who was in a drunken state most of the time. One of the female panelists started by asking her if she was watching what she was saying to her husband, because you know, “speaking to him disrespectfully could provoke his anger.” HUH???!!! A woman had just said in the full view of a gathering of women that she was getting hit everyday by her husband and the first point was to address her manner of speaking (via speculation) and proceed to advise her to watch war room and find an older Christian woman to mentor her. I closed the video thinking if that is what young Christian women will get from being mentored by older Christian women, they are better off taking advice from magazines.

I tried to imagine the impact the position of this woman on the panel had on many women who were in abusive relationships and present in that gathering.

It’s probably my fault

I should do better

A wise woman builds her home. I need to stay so the world does not consider me foolish

I came to the conclusion that the reason many women accept abuse is not necessarily because they don’t have the strength to leave. It is not because they can’t find their feet afterward.

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It is because society and the church make it seem as though leaving an abusive relationship is a crime. Many Christian women are quick to spring up and say “God hates divorce” but would not speak up to proclaim that the same God wants his children to be loved and treated with dignity and respect. Many Christian women march in favour of blind submission where their counterparts are exploited and humiliated over and over again. Many Christian women… wait for it… believe indeed that abuse is NORMAL; so normal, that they do not even call it abuse anymore. They call it the authority of the husband, the right of the husband to correct his wife… They say things like “all men cheat. It is just the grace of God that protects us from diseases” (I kid you not, someone said this to me).

They consider women who leave abusive situations as rebellious women who are undeserving of support and love. “If she needs help, she should go back to her husband”, they say. WOW… No wonder the tales that touch mostly come from the church (I am not referring to any church in particular).

The culture of silence is one many Christian women still seek to protect. The art of appearing ‘picture perfect’ has indeed been perfected so much that any woman who seeks to break the code of conduct by speaking up is seen as a wave that must be silenced, else other women follow her lead. The culture of victim blaming is prevalent. In a bid to appear pious, fellow Christian women will convict an abused sister for her lack of tolerance but will not stand up to the man who broke her spirit.

So of course, many Christian women accept abuse. They put on their lipstick and foundation, position their hats at the perfect angle and flash the smile that has fooled many into believing their idyllic lies. They quieten their hearts before they head out to church with their everyday mantra:

“God sees what I am going through. My reward is in heaven”.

XOXO.

 

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How much are you worth?

I never really thought about this question until a recent discussion with a  couple of male friends got me wondering. Truth be told, when the question was directed at me, all I could manage was a smile and that smile haunted me for many nights because I figured I could have been more loquacious.

How much are you worth? 

Pause. Think about it. This is not the time to spring from your seat like ‘Jack in the box’; it is not the time to talk about your degrees, your job, or even your possessions. It is not the time to talk to about how people treat you or how amazing your personality is.

 

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Source: theodysseyonline.com

 

It is not a question you can answer with words. It is not a question you can answer by quoting Maya Angelou’s phenomenal woman. It is not a question you can answer by feeling insulted that someone would even dare ask you that. It is not a question you can answer by defending yourself.

I started writing this post four years ago, and I could not finish it because I realized indeed that the many ways I listed above could not effectively answer the question. Sure, I might have been able to sell myself as an assertive woman who believed in herself; but all the words in the world could not aptly describe what I was worth.

Four years, later, it hit me as I drove down the busy highways of Johannesburg on a traffic-free day. The answer to that question is not in words; it is in actions. How much you are worth is deeply ingrained in how you treat yourself. It is deeply entrenched in what you believe about yourself, and most importantly, it is found in the core of who and what you accept into your life.

I have seen many women recite phenomenal woman over and over, and right afterward, went ahead to do and accept un-phenomenal things. I have heard people write quotes on Facebook about how they are worth the world, yet could not stop their partners from treating them like doormats. I have been that person so many times. I have been the quoter and not the doer.

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But that day, when the question was thrown at me, it seemed as though the heavens opened and whispered in my ear “your words will not suffice. Your words cannot describe your worth enough”. So I smiled. Yes, I wished I’d spoken but I realize now that my heart was saying to me “Shhh. Pull back a bit and explore the deepest recesses of yourself. Pull back a bit and hear me speak.”

So if you are wondering how much you are worth, or if the question has been thrown at you before and you feel your verbal response did not do the trick, stop and listen to the silent whispers in your heart. Stop and ask yourself if you present yourself as worthy or worthless. Stop and ask yourself if you treat yourself with tender loving care. Do you treat yourself like you matter? Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself “do I place as much worth on myself as God places on me?”

Therein lies the answer to that question.

And when you answer with all the sincerity you can muster, you will find the strength to treat yourself like the gem that you are. And no one will ever feel the need to ask you how much you are worth. They will simply see you are a priceless offspring of the King of Heaven.

XOXO.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“You’ve Never Been In Love If…”

Image result for loveEverytime a sentence starts like this, I find myself leaning forward with all the eagerness I can muster, dying to hear the second half of what love feels like. Even though I have met many people who are in love, I have never really heard any of them describe it with an all-encompassing description that beats everything else. So yes, I am always eager to listen and collect these descriptions of love that people drop here and there. But so many times, my eagerness has been met with an anti-climax. The many halves I’ve heard have made it so clear that many people truly do not know what love is. Cultural beliefs, environmental influence, and patriarchal relationship propaganda have influenced the way many people, especially women, view and understand love.

So I was not surprised when one day, a colleague interrupted my conversation with another colleague to tell me point blank that I have never been in love. She sounded really convinced, that anyone who was meeting me for the first time at that very moment would have indeed believed my life has been void of love.

Let me give you a little background.

In our communal office space, I was discussing continuous infidelity with one colleague and was explaining as I have on this blog many times, that so many women have been hurt badly, and by badly I mean terribly. Many women are insane as it is, trailing their husbands everywhere, stalking all his female friends and colleagues and threatening fire and brimstone whenever they see any woman with him. Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual act and substance of love.

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Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual acts and substance of love are missing. Some women have found themselves exploring infidelity as a coping mechanism. Many of those on these ‘coping gang’ look fine, they act fine, they sound fine, but truly they are not.

I explained to the person I was having this conversation with that one factor that is responsible for loss of self-worth, loss of identity and all the different kinds of emotional chaos many women in relationships experience when they try to sleep at night, is the fact that love is no longer being served, but they are not willing to leave the table.

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Then the interruption came thundering from the desk across the room…

You have never been in love… because you clearly don’t know how to give your all to someone, and not receive anything in return.

I knew who it was. She had a knack for jumping into shallow waters with a dive, so I really was not surprised that she was yet again jumping uninvited into my conversation with someone else.

The first thought that crossed my mind was to silence her with the most cutting response that crossed my mind; but instead, I smiled and asked how she arrived at that conclusion. She didn’t answer my question but had many more lessons for me about how love makes a person give and give, and even after they’ve been hurt continuously and ripped of their self-worth, they cannot leave because they are in love.

You’ve never been in love if you’ve been hurt over and over and you leave. Love makes you give yourself without expecting anything in return.

“You’ve never been in love if you don’t feel the need to give up your dreams and aspirations for this person.”

“You’ve never been in love if you have never felt the need to love him so much, your love is enough for the both of you.”

What does that even mean? Loving someone enough for the both of you. That’s like loving a nomadic stray dog and hoping it will stay with you because your love is enough for both of you. I proceeded to ask her the questions that fired through my mind.

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 Does love leave you empty? Does it make you question your worth? Does love make you cry, make you insane, make you stalk other women and threaten them? Does love leave you unhappy?

Yes, these were the questions I asked her, and she could not respond.

Why do people think being in love is equal to emotional bankruptcy? Why are women out there still thinking that expectations are not required in a relationship? I see it every time: “Don’t expect anything and you will not be hurt.” What on earth is wrong with people who peddle this notion as the gospel foundation of every relationship?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. They have developed a coping mechanism that expects hurt and puts up with it. They have put up with an erosion of their self-worth for so long, that they do not expect anyone to treat them better. I hear even Christian women peddling this (Since the devil now sends demons to pose in churches as bachelors)

“I don’t expect my husband to make me happy. God is the only one who can make me happy.” 

Image result for heartbrokenYea…it does not get sadder than that. If your husband is not expected to make you happy, then he is by default either going to make you sad or have absolutely no effect on you. And yea, I hear some of you championing for the latter, so I’ll ask: if he has no effect on you, why is he your husband? What is the purpose of your union? Why are you with him? Why are people peddling this martyr-ish type of love as normal? It is not. Sure your husband cannot give you JOY. God gives that. But your husband should aim to make you happy as you also aim to do the same for him. It is his duty to make you happy as it is yours to make him happy. What he cannot give you is joy. That comes from within.

If you still believe in giving up yourself till you are completely eroded without expecting anything in return, please understand this:

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Love does not leave you void. It cannot leave you void even if it tried. Love does not make you give up yourself for nothing. Love does not make you stand in front of the mirror and question if you are still pretty enough or if you still got it. Love does not hit you with pain pangs that feel as though your heart is about to fall out of your chest, nor does it make you anxious about yourself, your life, your decisions and even your past.

“Oh Demi please spare us. You are single. You don’t know the reality of life.” LOL.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is the fact that love makes you better. Love brings out the innermost in you and makes it grow. Love reaches you in places you didn’t think you even had. And yes, you will give yourself for this love. But you will not have to train yourself to expect nothing in return. Because this love will always seek to ‘outgive‘ you.

XOXO.

PS: Check out my YouTube channel. Search Demi Fayemiwo.

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Join the Movement #CrazilyFaithingIt

what are you believing God for this second half of the year? Are you crazy enough to faith it till you make it?

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Redefining Submission in Marriages

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Exploring your talent successfully

You will most likely reach your purpose by exploring your talent.

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The Fear of God’s Will

Are you afraid of where God’s will might take you? Check out this video!

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