Men, Please Stop Killing Us Because You ‘Love’ Us

Logging into Twitter today is one of the worst decisions I have made this week. The hashtag #RIPKarabo was trending and I couldn’t help but wonder who she was. Did a celebrity die? Was she in public office? As I followed the trend, I saw her picture – Karabo Mokoena, a beautiful young woman whose smile was enough to melt the heart of Hades. I’d seen her picture before – two weeks ago when it was stated by a twitter user that she was missing. I remember thinking to myself ‘perhaps she’s hanging out with friends and will return‘. A number of people who have been declared missing have been found, right?

I COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG

Today her picture is flooding social media because she was found dead. Dead. Killed and burned allegedly by her ex-boyfriend. I could not begin to fathom the last few minutes of her passage from this earth, as her life flashed before her eyes and she realized with that final breath that all her dreams and aspirations were not going to happen. I tried to imagine what kind of rage possessed him to kill her and then proceed to set her on fire. Was it to hide evidence? Or was he just mad that she was slipping out of his hands? Did he feel he desperately needed to do something? what was crossing his mind?

Image result for man killing woman

Source: The Express Tribune

I am sad and angry at the same time. Sad at the fact that many women are killed by the men who ‘love’ them. Many women are violated by the men who promised to stand by them and support them. Many women are stifled, insulted, berated and mentally destroyed by the men who once told them they felt like home. Many women are dead inside but no one can tell. They show up at work, listen to presentations, smile, perhaps even laugh sometimes. But you can tell if you know the song that once played from their hearts that their lights have been dimmed, some even put out completely, by the men who are meant to be their pillars of support. The songs in their hearts have stopped playing, and all they do is respond to the autoplay tune they have become accustomed to. Many women die physically; many women die emotionally; many women die in many ways because of the actions of someone who ‘loves’ them and whom they love. My question is ‘why do men think it is normal behavior to kill us?

It breaks my heart and it tears my soul apart. I need men everywhere to please understand this:

#1 When a woman refuses to date you, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Pots and pans have different sizes and their lids are manufactured to fit. If she says you are not the right lid, find your own pot. Don’t dismantle the other pot (her), scratch it and then char it over the fire.

#2 When a woman has been with you and decides she does not want to be with you anymore, it means she has fallen out of love with you (possibly because of things you did or things you didn’t do). Whatever the case may be, let her go in peace. Don’t go looking for her because your ego is hurt. Don’t purchase acid to show her what you are made of. Don’t strangle her, don’t go near her. Leave her be. That way, everyone gets to live another day.

Image result for man in prison

Source: bullets and blessings

#3 When a woman cheats on you, and I know this is difficult as hell, WALK AWAY! You don’t have to stay. If you just cannot process it, leave her be. She is not yours to strangle. Let karma deal with her even if it takes too long. The beauty of karma is that you can watch while you enjoy popcorn as opposed to being in a crowded cell where “orange is the new black.”

 

#4 If a woman loves you and the feeling is not mutual, it is OK to tell her you are not interested. Don’t play with her emotions and make her climb mountains and cross rivers for you. Don’t accept any investment she attempts to make regarding you. You are emotionally unequally yoked so don’t let it go farther than a handshake. Let your words and your actions spell it out precisely, without violence or destructive words that you are not interested.

#5 when a woman says she loves you, it does not mean her middle name is stupid. the fact that she forgives you does not mean she does not know that you are treating her as less and invalidating all her dreams and aspirations. It does not mean she does not know you are sucking the life out of her so you can be extra in your own endeavors. She knows, and she stays. Partly because the song in her heart dies a little every time you assert your needs over hers and make her feel unworthy, and partly because she worries you might wither if she walks away because there would be no other life for you to suck from.

Please stop taking our love for granted; stop stifling our dreams and aspirations for your own benefit (or for any other person’s benefit for that matter); stop treating us like we don’t matter, like the essence of us is not enough; like the queen in us is not real. Stop making us feel like we are not worthy, like you are doing us a favor by staying, like we must constantly prove ourselves worthy of your passing gaze because being comfortable in our skin does not make you happy. Stop threatening us with “If I can’t have you, no one else can”. Stop! PLEASE JUST STOP.

Stop killing us with your words. With your actions. With your hands.

We deserve better from you.

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About Demilade Fayemiwo

I am a woman on an adventure; a student of life; a voice for the hopeless. I'm a city set on a hill. Motivation is what I do; it is who I am; it is hardwired into my DNA. I can't help but get you moving!
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