It has taken years for me to arrive at this point – a point where I look at everyone and everything I thought I lost and said to myself “but truly, they had to go because if they did not, I would not be where or who I am today.” This epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks. It was sudden, unexpected, shocking, yet enlightening.
For years, I had sacrificed myself at the altar of approval. I chased down what I thought I needed to the detriment of my own sanity. I sacrificed my heart over and over, with the hope that these sacrifices would be enough to convince subjects of my affection to reciprocate my affection for them. But that did not happen. The more I sacrificed, the more I lost myself; not because sacrifices are synonymous to loss, but because I was cutting myself for things and people who did not care I was bleeding. In retrospect, I cannot blame them for not noticing. I could barely see myself bleeding. I was so focused on what I believed would be the perfect compensation, that I failed to realize how much of myself was bleeding out for affections I yearned for but did not deserve.
Don’t get me wrong. I did not deserve them, not because I was insufficient, but because they were insufficient to satisfy me and take me where I needed to be. I did not deserve the nonchalance with which they would have treated me, or the emptiness they would have constantly poured into my life. I did not deserve the pain they would have brought or the feelings of insecurity they would have happily fostered in my spirit. I did not deserve these but I also did not know because I could not see me. I was so focused on seeing them as I wanted them to be, rather than seeing them as they were.
But today, it hit me. Like a blinding ray of sunlight hits the eyes when the blinds are pulled back without warning, so did the image of me hit my consciousness. Here I am, gloriously and beautifully created, crafted in the gentle hands of God, filled with the beauty of his grace and blessed with the power only his love can give. For love in its truest form only seeks to empower. In true love, there is no fear of loss. There is no fear that requires me to constantly contort myself for the sake of pleasing. There is simply no fear.
Now I see me – who I am, what I am and who I can become. I see me and I realize with peace in my heart that everything and everyone I lost was insufficient for where I am meant to be.
Now I see me, and I hope you see you too.