How much are you worth?

I never really thought about this question until a recent discussion with a  couple of male friends got me wondering. Truth be told, when the question was directed at me, all I could manage was a smile and that smile haunted me for many nights because I figured I could have been more loquacious.

How much are you worth? 

Pause. Think about it. This is not the time to spring from your seat like ‘Jack in the box’; it is not the time to talk about your degrees, your job, or even your possessions. It is not the time to talk to about how people treat you or how amazing your personality is.

 

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Source: theodysseyonline.com

 

It is not a question you can answer with words. It is not a question you can answer by quoting Maya Angelou’s phenomenal woman. It is not a question you can answer by feeling insulted that someone would even dare ask you that. It is not a question you can answer by defending yourself.

I started writing this post four years ago, and I could not finish it because I realized indeed that the many ways I listed above could not effectively answer the question. Sure, I might have been able to sell myself as an assertive woman who believed in herself; but all the words in the world could not aptly describe what I was worth.

Four years, later, it hit me as I drove down the busy highways of Johannesburg on a traffic-free day. The answer to that question is not in words; it is in actions. How much you are worth is deeply ingrained in how you treat yourself. It is deeply entrenched in what you believe about yourself, and most importantly, it is found in the core of who and what you accept into your life.

I have seen many women recite phenomenal woman over and over, and right afterward, went ahead to do and accept un-phenomenal things. I have heard people write quotes on Facebook about how they are worth the world, yet could not stop their partners from treating them like doormats. I have been that person so many times. I have been the quoter and not the doer.

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But that day, when the question was thrown at me, it seemed as though the heavens opened and whispered in my ear “your words will not suffice. Your words cannot describe your worth enough”. So I smiled. Yes, I wished I’d spoken but I realize now that my heart was saying to me “Shhh. Pull back a bit and explore the deepest recesses of yourself. Pull back a bit and hear me speak.”

So if you are wondering how much you are worth, or if the question has been thrown at you before and you feel your verbal response did not do the trick, stop and listen to the silent whispers in your heart. Stop and ask yourself if you present yourself as worthy or worthless. Stop and ask yourself if you treat yourself with tender loving care. Do you treat yourself like you matter? Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself “do I place as much worth on myself as God places on me?”

Therein lies the answer to that question.

And when you answer with all the sincerity you can muster, you will find the strength to treat yourself like the gem that you are. And no one will ever feel the need to ask you how much you are worth. They will simply see you are a priceless offspring of the King of Heaven.

XOXO.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“You’ve Never Been In Love If…”

Image result for loveEverytime a sentence starts like this, I find myself leaning forward with all the eagerness I can muster, dying to hear the second half of what love feels like. Even though I have met many people who are in love, I have never really heard any of them describe it with an all-encompassing description that beats everything else. So yes, I am always eager to listen and collect these descriptions of love that people drop here and there. But so many times, my eagerness has been met with an anti-climax. The many halves I’ve heard have made it so clear that many people truly do not know what love is. Cultural beliefs, environmental influence, and patriarchal relationship propaganda have influenced the way many people, especially women, view and understand love.

So I was not surprised when one day, a colleague interrupted my conversation with another colleague to tell me point blank that I have never been in love. She sounded really convinced, that anyone who was meeting me for the first time at that very moment would have indeed believed my life has been void of love.

Let me give you a little background.

In our communal office space, I was discussing continuous infidelity with one colleague and was explaining as I have on this blog many times, that so many women have been hurt badly, and by badly I mean terribly. Many women are insane as it is, trailing their husbands everywhere, stalking all his female friends and colleagues and threatening fire and brimstone whenever they see any woman with him. Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual act and substance of love.

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Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual acts and substance of love are missing. Some women have found themselves exploring infidelity as a coping mechanism. Many of those on these ‘coping gang’ look fine, they act fine, they sound fine, but truly they are not.

I explained to the person I was having this conversation with that one factor that is responsible for loss of self-worth, loss of identity and all the different kinds of emotional chaos many women in relationships experience when they try to sleep at night, is the fact that love is no longer being served, but they are not willing to leave the table.

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Then the interruption came thundering from the desk across the room…

You have never been in love… because you clearly don’t know how to give your all to someone, and not receive anything in return.

I knew who it was. She had a knack for jumping into shallow waters with a dive, so I really was not surprised that she was yet again jumping uninvited into my conversation with someone else.

The first thought that crossed my mind was to silence her with the most cutting response that crossed my mind; but instead, I smiled and asked how she arrived at that conclusion. She didn’t answer my question but had many more lessons for me about how love makes a person give and give, and even after they’ve been hurt continuously and ripped of their self-worth, they cannot leave because they are in love.

You’ve never been in love if you’ve been hurt over and over and you leave. Love makes you give yourself without expecting anything in return.

“You’ve never been in love if you don’t feel the need to give up your dreams and aspirations for this person.”

“You’ve never been in love if you have never felt the need to love him so much, your love is enough for the both of you.”

What does that even mean? Loving someone enough for the both of you. That’s like loving a nomadic stray dog and hoping it will stay with you because your love is enough for both of you. I proceeded to ask her the questions that fired through my mind.

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 Does love leave you empty? Does it make you question your worth? Does love make you cry, make you insane, make you stalk other women and threaten them? Does love leave you unhappy?

Yes, these were the questions I asked her, and she could not respond.

Why do people think being in love is equal to emotional bankruptcy? Why are women out there still thinking that expectations are not required in a relationship? I see it every time: “Don’t expect anything and you will not be hurt.” What on earth is wrong with people who peddle this notion as the gospel foundation of every relationship?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. They have developed a coping mechanism that expects hurt and puts up with it. They have put up with an erosion of their self-worth for so long, that they do not expect anyone to treat them better. I hear even Christian women peddling this (Since the devil now sends demons to pose in churches as bachelors)

“I don’t expect my husband to make me happy. God is the only one who can make me happy.” 

Image result for heartbrokenYea…it does not get sadder than that. If your husband is not expected to make you happy, then he is by default either going to make you sad or have absolutely no effect on you. And yea, I hear some of you championing for the latter, so I’ll ask: if he has no effect on you, why is he your husband? What is the purpose of your union? Why are you with him? Why are people peddling this martyr-ish type of love as normal? It is not. Sure your husband cannot give you JOY. God gives that. But your husband should aim to make you happy as you also aim to do the same for him. It is his duty to make you happy as it is yours to make him happy. What he cannot give you is joy. That comes from within.

If you still believe in giving up yourself till you are completely eroded without expecting anything in return, please understand this:

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Love does not leave you void. It cannot leave you void even if it tried. Love does not make you give up yourself for nothing. Love does not make you stand in front of the mirror and question if you are still pretty enough or if you still got it. Love does not hit you with pain pangs that feel as though your heart is about to fall out of your chest, nor does it make you anxious about yourself, your life, your decisions and even your past.

“Oh Demi please spare us. You are single. You don’t know the reality of life.” LOL.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is the fact that love makes you better. Love brings out the innermost in you and makes it grow. Love reaches you in places you didn’t think you even had. And yes, you will give yourself for this love. But you will not have to train yourself to expect nothing in return. Because this love will always seek to ‘outgive‘ you.

XOXO.

PS: Check out my YouTube channel. Search Demi Fayemiwo.

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Join the Movement #CrazilyFaithingIt

what are you believing God for this second half of the year? Are you crazy enough to faith it till you make it?

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Redefining Submission in Marriages

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Exploring your talent successfully

You will most likely reach your purpose by exploring your talent.

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The Fear of God’s Will

Are you afraid of where God’s will might take you? Check out this video!

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YOU NEED TO GET THESE RELATIONSHIP MYTHS OUT OF YOUR HEAD NOW!

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Men, Please Stop Killing Us Because You ‘Love’ Us

Logging into Twitter today is one of the worst decisions I have made this week. The hashtag #RIPKarabo was trending and I couldn’t help but wonder who she was. Did a celebrity die? Was she in public office? As I followed the trend, I saw her picture – Karabo Mokoena, a beautiful young woman whose smile was enough to melt the heart of Hades. I’d seen her picture before – two weeks ago when it was stated by a twitter user that she was missing. I remember thinking to myself ‘perhaps she’s hanging out with friends and will return‘. A number of people who have been declared missing have been found, right?

I COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG

Today her picture is flooding social media because she was found dead. Dead. Killed and burned allegedly by her ex-boyfriend. I could not begin to fathom the last few minutes of her passage from this earth, as her life flashed before her eyes and she realized with that final breath that all her dreams and aspirations were not going to happen. I tried to imagine what kind of rage possessed him to kill her and then proceed to set her on fire. Was it to hide evidence? Or was he just mad that she was slipping out of his hands? Did he feel he desperately needed to do something? what was crossing his mind?

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Source: The Express Tribune

I am sad and angry at the same time. Sad at the fact that many women are killed by the men who ‘love’ them. Many women are violated by the men who promised to stand by them and support them. Many women are stifled, insulted, berated and mentally destroyed by the men who once told them they felt like home. Many women are dead inside but no one can tell. They show up at work, listen to presentations, smile, perhaps even laugh sometimes. But you can tell if you know the song that once played from their hearts that their lights have been dimmed, some even put out completely, by the men who are meant to be their pillars of support. The songs in their hearts have stopped playing, and all they do is respond to the autoplay tune they have become accustomed to. Many women die physically; many women die emotionally; many women die in many ways because of the actions of someone who ‘loves’ them and whom they love. My question is ‘why do men think it is normal behavior to kill us?

It breaks my heart and it tears my soul apart. I need men everywhere to please understand this:

#1 When a woman refuses to date you, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Pots and pans have different sizes and their lids are manufactured to fit. If she says you are not the right lid, find your own pot. Don’t dismantle the other pot (her), scratch it and then char it over the fire.

#2 When a woman has been with you and decides she does not want to be with you anymore, it means she has fallen out of love with you (possibly because of things you did or things you didn’t do). Whatever the case may be, let her go in peace. Don’t go looking for her because your ego is hurt. Don’t purchase acid to show her what you are made of. Don’t strangle her, don’t go near her. Leave her be. That way, everyone gets to live another day.

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Source: bullets and blessings

#3 When a woman cheats on you, and I know this is difficult as hell, WALK AWAY! You don’t have to stay. If you just cannot process it, leave her be. She is not yours to strangle. Let karma deal with her even if it takes too long. The beauty of karma is that you can watch while you enjoy popcorn as opposed to being in a crowded cell where “orange is the new black.”

 

#4 If a woman loves you and the feeling is not mutual, it is OK to tell her you are not interested. Don’t play with her emotions and make her climb mountains and cross rivers for you. Don’t accept any investment she attempts to make regarding you. You are emotionally unequally yoked so don’t let it go farther than a handshake. Let your words and your actions spell it out precisely, without violence or destructive words that you are not interested.

#5 when a woman says she loves you, it does not mean her middle name is stupid. the fact that she forgives you does not mean she does not know that you are treating her as less and invalidating all her dreams and aspirations. It does not mean she does not know you are sucking the life out of her so you can be extra in your own endeavors. She knows, and she stays. Partly because the song in her heart dies a little every time you assert your needs over hers and make her feel unworthy, and partly because she worries you might wither if she walks away because there would be no other life for you to suck from.

Please stop taking our love for granted; stop stifling our dreams and aspirations for your own benefit (or for any other person’s benefit for that matter); stop treating us like we don’t matter, like the essence of us is not enough; like the queen in us is not real. Stop making us feel like we are not worthy, like you are doing us a favor by staying, like we must constantly prove ourselves worthy of your passing gaze because being comfortable in our skin does not make you happy. Stop threatening us with “If I can’t have you, no one else can”. Stop! PLEASE JUST STOP.

Stop killing us with your words. With your actions. With your hands.

We deserve better from you.

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STAY AWAY FROM EMOTIONALLY BROKE PEOPLE

How often have you doubted your worth because of the people who walked into your life, told you you’re just ‘too much’ and proceeded to walk away?

This is my video for the week on YouTube! Please share with friends, share your thoughts and don’t forget to subscribe to the channel! XOXO

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Moving on From Disappointment

Disappointment, big or small, is enough to break a person’s spirit. Sometimes, disappointment keeps us stuck, makes us seek solace in the wrong things, people and places. In this video, I share four tips to help you move on from disappointment. Please share the link with friends, and don’t forget to hit subscribe. XOXO. Be blessed.

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