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Men, Please Stop Killing Us Because You ‘Love’ Us

Logging into Twitter today is one of the worst decisions I have made this week. The hashtag #RIPKarabo was trending and I couldn’t help but wonder who she was. Did a celebrity die? Was she in public office? As I followed the trend, I saw her picture – Karabo Mokoena, a beautiful young woman whose smile was enough to melt the heart of Hades. I’d seen her picture before – two weeks ago when it was stated by a twitter user that she was missing. I remember thinking to myself ‘perhaps she’s hanging out with friends and will return‘. A number of people who have been declared missing have been found, right?


Today her picture is flooding social media because she was found dead. Dead. Killed and burned allegedly by her ex-boyfriend. I could not begin to fathom the last few minutes of her passage from this earth, as her life flashed before her eyes and she realized with that final breath that all her dreams and aspirations were not going to happen. I tried to imagine what kind of rage possessed him to kill her and then proceed to set her on fire. Was it to hide evidence? Or was he just mad that she was slipping out of his hands? Did he feel he desperately needed to do something? what was crossing his mind?

Image result for man killing woman

Source: The Express Tribune

I am sad and angry at the same time. Sad at the fact that many women are killed by the men who ‘love’ them. Many women are violated by the men who promised to stand by them and support them. Many women are stifled, insulted, berated and mentally destroyed by the men who once told them they felt like home. Many women are dead inside but no one can tell. They show up at work, listen to presentations, smile, perhaps even laugh sometimes. But you can tell if you know the song that once played from their hearts that their lights have been dimmed, some even put out completely, by the men who are meant to be their pillars of support. The songs in their hearts have stopped playing, and all they do is respond to the autoplay tune they have become accustomed to. Many women die physically; many women die emotionally; many women die in many ways because of the actions of someone who ‘loves’ them and whom they love. My question is ‘why do men think it is normal behavior to kill us?

It breaks my heart and it tears my soul apart. I need men everywhere to please understand this:

#1 When a woman refuses to date you, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Pots and pans have different sizes and their lids are manufactured to fit. If she says you are not the right lid, find your own pot. Don’t dismantle the other pot (her), scratch it and then char it over the fire.

#2 When a woman has been with you and decides she does not want to be with you anymore, it means she has fallen out of love with you (possibly because of things you did or things you didn’t do). Whatever the case may be, let her go in peace. Don’t go looking for her because your ego is hurt. Don’t purchase acid to show her what you are made of. Don’t strangle her, don’t go near her. Leave her be. That way, everyone gets to live another day.

Image result for man in prison

Source: bullets and blessings

#3 When a woman cheats on you, and I know this is difficult as hell, WALK AWAY! You don’t have to stay. If you just cannot process it, leave her be. She is not yours to strangle. Let karma deal with her even if it takes too long. The beauty of karma is that you can watch while you enjoy popcorn as opposed to being in a crowded cell where “orange is the new black.”


#4 If a woman loves you and the feeling is not mutual, it is OK to tell her you are not interested. Don’t play with her emotions and make her climb mountains and cross rivers for you. Don’t accept any investment she attempts to make regarding you. You are emotionally unequally yoked so don’t let it go farther than a handshake. Let your words and your actions spell it out precisely, without violence or destructive words that you are not interested.

#5 when a woman says she loves you, it does not mean her middle name is stupid. the fact that she forgives you does not mean she does not know that you are treating her as less and invalidating all her dreams and aspirations. It does not mean she does not know you are sucking the life out of her so you can be extra in your own endeavors. She knows, and she stays. Partly because the song in her heart dies a little every time you assert your needs over hers and make her feel unworthy, and partly because she worries you might wither if she walks away because there would be no other life for you to suck from.

Please stop taking our love for granted; stop stifling our dreams and aspirations for your own benefit (or for any other person’s benefit for that matter); stop treating us like we don’t matter, like the essence of us is not enough; like the queen in us is not real. Stop making us feel like we are not worthy, like you are doing us a favor by staying, like we must constantly prove ourselves worthy of your passing gaze because being comfortable in our skin does not make you happy. Stop threatening us with “If I can’t have you, no one else can”. Stop! PLEASE JUST STOP.

Stop killing us with your words. With your actions. With your hands.

We deserve better from you.

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How often have you doubted your worth because of the people who walked into your life, told you you’re just ‘too much’ and proceeded to walk away?

This is my video for the week on YouTube! Please share with friends, share your thoughts and don’t forget to subscribe to the channel! XOXO

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Moving on From Disappointment

Disappointment, big or small, is enough to break a person’s spirit. Sometimes, disappointment keeps us stuck, makes us seek solace in the wrong things, people and places. In this video, I share four tips to help you move on from disappointment. Please share the link with friends, and don’t forget to hit subscribe. XOXO. Be blessed.

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What Do You Have?

More often than not, we are already equipped for the battles we face. However, we keep looking down on our weapons because they don’t look strong enough. Check out this new video I made for the week titled “what do you have?”

Please subscribe to my channel, and share the video with your friends. Be inspired!


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Wait For Your Order

Many times in life, we compare ourselves with others because their orders arrive early, forgetting we ordered something different.

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Wait For Your Order

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#BrokenSeries The Breakers (2) – Society and Friends

If you have been following the #BrokenSeries, this is post number 3 in the series.

In the last two post, I highlighted how brokenness can make you feel, how to identify if you are broken but unaware of it, and how the acts of parents and lovers can lead to brokenness. In this post, I want to focus on the second set of breakers – friends and society. It might be immediately glaring that society can break you, but friends? How do they do that?

Image result for feeling broken man

Source: HubPages


The truth is many people are yet to fully understand what friendship is; hence even though they are currently being broken by their friends, they fail to recognise it. Instead of them to fight the seed of brokenness being planted, they try to play up to the expectations of friends who will never be satisfied. How do friends break you?

#1 They compare you with themselves or others: Be it in a positive or a negative way, this can have really adverse effects on your psyche. Your friends might continually highlight the fact that you are more talented than they are and that is not the problem. The problem is that you may start to feel guilty for being prettier, more talented, more intelligent… that it causes you to begin to withdraw, and not perform as well as you should for fear of losing your friends. Sometimes the comparisons are downright or subtly negative. For example, a friend might constantly talk about you being overweight, and that will make you feel self-conscious around other people, or your friend subtly points out how dark-skinned you are, and proceeds to admire people who are light skinned, and that suddenly starts to make you feel ugly, or even makes you feel the need to bleach your skin. These are simply examples but I hope you get the gist.

#2 They betray you: Ever told a friend something in confidence and it was the headline for the gossip magazine the next day? Or told a friend something because of the bond you share only for them to turn around and use it against you? That betrayal of your trust can make it difficult to open up to other people.

So enough about friends, what about society?

The new wave in society encourages comparison, and that alone is enough to make you feel like you are doing enough, not winning enough, not succeeding enough, not good enough period. Society looks at you funny when you reach a certain age, and are not married; when you are married and you don’t have children; when you have children but both genders are not represented; when they are both represented but not brought up to act the way society would like. Society looks at you funny when you rock up in a new car that is not in the luxury range; when your girlfriend is not an Instagram badass; when your wife does not have gloriously clear skin or an exotic accent. Society looks at you funny for being yourself, and not adhering to unwritten rules of engagement. Society looks at you funny for being that clumsy girl with a deep throaty laugh that is so not feminine. Society looks at you funny for being that gentleman with a soft voice. Society judges you for not being able to get the girl, or keep a man, for being a single parent, for not getting to the pinnacle of your career fast enough… for basically not complying with society’s impossible standards. And as times goes on, the daggers from society’s eyes start to hit you and you begin to feel less and less. You withdraw and derive no joy from the things that once excited you because you have subconsciously been made to believe that those things, and even you, are not enough.

Image result for feeling broken man

Source: Dr. Gori Gatter


And the sad thing about this is that you don’t even feel yourself doing it, until one day, you burst at the seams, crying a river you cannot attribute to anything in particular. But every time before that, when someone had asked you how you were doing, you had beamed at them with the perfect smile and said: “I’m fine”.

Look out for my next post on this #BrokenSeries

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#BrokenSeries2: The Breakers – Parents, and Lovers

If you didn’t read the first post of this series, you can find it here

This is the second post of the #BrokenSeries, and in this post, the focus is on the people and things that tend to break us, even though we are unaware of it at the time it is happening. Parents, past and present lovers, friends and even society have an impact on how we view ourselves especially if we are yet to come to a full understanding of who we are. In this post, I will focus on the first two – parents and lovers.

You might wonder why parents have been listed as breakers. Parents are our first contact with humanity, tasked with our development and nurture. Parents are the mirrors through which we see ourselves, and the windows through which we see the world. How then could they break us? How is it possible?

I guess I don’t have to tell you now that parents, no matter how amazing they are, are not perfect. They themselves are under the influence of upbringing by their own parents, and that may have been far from perfect. Many parents, unknowingly make mistakes that break their children, and these are some of them:

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#1 They make you earn their love: Love is something no one can earn, but some parents make sure that their kids earn their love. They only express their support and love when their kids are winning, and express extreme criticism when their kids are losing. This creates the impression that love is only available when you are doing something the other person admires. The impact of this is that you go into relationships in future, too eager to please, too eager to work for that love. You become an overly malleable doormat because you believe that is the only way to be loved. In the end, it does not work out because love, irrespective of the million sacrifices we make for it, cannot be earned.

#2 They inundate you with expectations: This is downright burdensome. Of course, every parent has expectations where their children are concerned. No one expects parents to have children and not hope for their success, or steer them in the direction of worthy achievements. However, when the expectations exceed your capacity, you find yourself overwhelmed and might start to express signs of brokenness such as ‘crying and not knowing why, seeking validation from everywhere because your small efforts aren’t good enough for mom and dad, or even drifting through life because you realize no matter how hard you try, you can’t live up to these expectations.

#3 They compare you: There is nothing worse than being compared with other children and being forced to measure up to their talents and achievements. Unfortunately, many parents do this, placing unrealistic expectations on their children and making them feel less than good enough by comparing them.

Image result for parents ignoring child

#4 They don’t pay any attention to you: Are you that smart strong kid who is independent? Chances are your parents would leave you to do what you please because they believe you will always make the right decisions. While independence is not a bad thing, it leads many parents to think you don’t need affection. In the end, you grow up scared that someone will love you and you won’t know how to handle it so you tend to avoid intimate relationships and emotional co-dependence

 And while you are out there in the world, keeping it all together, even though you know you are full of cracks, you get into relationships and they add to your brokenness. I often tell people that getting into a relationship with anyone is a risk. Firstly, people tend to put their best foot forward when they want and draw back when they have you. Secondly, there is a chance that if you have been broken by your parents unknowingly, you will get into the wrong types of relationships in your eagerness to be validated. You’ll find yourself in relationships with people who take advantage of your eagerness and break you even further by subjecting you to verbal, psychological and emotional abuse. Of course, the seeds of abuse are easy to plant in your mind because your parents’ failures have already plowed the soil in readiness.

And while you are out there in the world, keeping it all together, even though you know you are full of cracks, you get into relationships and they add to your brokenness. I often tell people that getting into a relationship with anyone is a risk. Firstly, people tend to put their best foot forward when they want and draw back when they have you. Secondly, there is a chance that if you have been broken by your parents unknowingly, you will get into the wrong types of relationships in your eagerness to be validated. You’ll find yourself in relationships with people who take advantage of your eagerness and break you even further by subjecting you to verbal, psychological and emotional abuse. Of course, the seeds of abuse are easy to plant in your mind because your parents’ failures have already plowed the soil in readiness.

How do lovers break you?

#1 They compare you to their past lovers: Nothing is worse than being compared to someone your present lover dated in the past. And because your parents have raised you to earn their love, the comparisons push you to work harder to earn the love of your lover, resulting in your burdening yourself, and eventually breaking down when that lover leaves because you just couldn’t measure up.

Image result for bad lover


#2 They point out your flaws most of the time: Do you know that when you hear something regularly enough, you start to believe it whether it is negative or positive? Well, this is how some lovers break you. They point out the many things you are good at, the beauty points you have not scored, the income you have not earned, the failures you have shared with them, and so many other negative traits you’d rather not be reminded of. Constantly listening to these negative statements about yourself eventually break your spirit, and you start to wonder if you are even good enough to be in a relationship or even be loved. And the moment you start wondering, you find yourself walking around with drooped shoulders.

#3 They cheat on you: These days, I find that cheating has been normalized because many people have become desensitized to how damaging an effect it can have on their psyche. Such people think they are strong because they can look past the cheating and keep the relationship moving like nothing happened, but the truth is they aren’t. They have gotten to the stage of brokenness where it is OK to accept less than they deserve. They even encourage others to believe the mantra that says cheating is normal, expect nothing and you will not be disappointed. While I believe that expectation is the mother of disappointment, I also believe that relationships should not be void of expectations. You should expect your partner to treat you right, make you feel secure in their affection for you, and do their best to keep your relationship alive. Accepting infidelity as a normality is a sign that you do not place value on yourself, hence it is OK to be treated as second best. Cheating is such a damaging activity that makes you question your worth, compare yourself and break yourself even more. In the end, you come out of it terribly scathed and badly broken.

Which of these do you relate to? What would you like to add? You can send me an anonymous message using the contact me tab on the home page. Look out for #BrokenSeries3 next week where I address the second set of breakers – friends, and society. XOXO


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This Mindset Is Ruining Your Life

As published on

It is common knowledge these days that having a negative mindset will not translate to a positive life. Pessimists tend to see problems in every opportunity, while optimists see the opportunity in every problem. However, whether you are a pessimist, optimist, realist or an idealist, there is a very subtle mentality that is ruining your life. Subtle as it is, it is very common, and people are not even aware of the negative impact it has on them. I like to call it the ‘either/or mentality’.

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source: huffingtonpost


Think about it… how many times have you seen a couple in a mansion and assumed they must have an unhappy marriage because of all that money they have? How many times have you seen a man or woman who’s career driven and assumed their family must be in shreds because they are so dedicated to their work? How many times have you seen a handsome man and assumed ‘oh well, he must be a player’, or a beautiful woman and assumed ‘she must be taken or unintelligent’. How many times have you heard a person’s big dreams and reminded them they might not get married because they are so into this vision? I am sure you can already remember one or two instances where you assumed if someone had something, it was impossible for them to have the other.

Image result for happiness

source: how stuff works


This either/or mentality is ruining your life! It is giving you the impression that you have to choose because you can’t have it all. It is telling you in your subconscious that life is not a buffet where you can have a taste of everything, but rather a restricted pre-planned menu where if you choose option A, you cannot have option B. This is why you are not going after everything you desire. This is why you are not winning at life. This is why you are too scared to chase lofty dreams because you believe the more you have, the more unhappy you will be. I have met men and women who often say they are not interested in buying their own houses and acquiring wealth for their children; they are not interested in building their careers and being well-known for their success because most people who have all those things are not happy anyway. Well, guess what? There are also a lot of people who don’t have those things and are unhappy as well. So it is not the wealth that makes a person unhappy. It is a lack of God in you.

Drop the either/or mentality and go for everything you love and desire! Build your career, acquire wealth, marry that partner that makes you genuinely happy! Live your life as a well-rounded individual who knows he has access to every single item on the buffet menu! There is no dream that is too big for God, and there is no such thing as option A or B. You can have everything! The reason people tend to say you can’t is because they themselves are too scared to chase after everything they want. Don’t join their bandwagon! XOXO

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