Men, Please Stop Killing Us Because You ‘Love’ Us

Logging into Twitter today is one of the worst decisions I have made this week. The hashtag #RIPKarabo was trending and I couldn’t help but wonder who she was. Did a celebrity die? Was she in public office? As I followed the trend, I saw her picture – Karabo Mokoena, a beautiful young woman whose smile was enough to melt the heart of Hades. I’d seen her picture before – two weeks ago when it was stated by a twitter user that she was missing. I remember thinking to myself ‘perhaps she’s hanging out with friends and will return‘. A number of people who have been declared missing have been found, right?


Today her picture is flooding social media because she was found dead. Dead. Killed and burned allegedly by her ex-boyfriend. I could not begin to fathom the last few minutes of her passage from this earth, as her life flashed before her eyes and she realized with that final breath that all her dreams and aspirations were not going to happen. I tried to imagine what kind of rage possessed him to kill her and then proceed to set her on fire. Was it to hide evidence? Or was he just mad that she was slipping out of his hands? Did he feel he desperately needed to do something? what was crossing his mind?

Image result for man killing woman

Source: The Express Tribune

I am sad and angry at the same time. Sad at the fact that many women are killed by the men who ‘love’ them. Many women are violated by the men who promised to stand by them and support them. Many women are stifled, insulted, berated and mentally destroyed by the men who once told them they felt like home. Many women are dead inside but no one can tell. They show up at work, listen to presentations, smile, perhaps even laugh sometimes. But you can tell if you know the song that once played from their hearts that their lights have been dimmed, some even put out completely, by the men who are meant to be their pillars of support. The songs in their hearts have stopped playing, and all they do is respond to the autoplay tune they have become accustomed to. Many women die physically; many women die emotionally; many women die in many ways because of the actions of someone who ‘loves’ them and whom they love. My question is ‘why do men think it is normal behavior to kill us?

It breaks my heart and it tears my soul apart. I need men everywhere to please understand this:

#1 When a woman refuses to date you, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Pots and pans have different sizes and their lids are manufactured to fit. If she says you are not the right lid, find your own pot. Don’t dismantle the other pot (her), scratch it and then char it over the fire.

#2 When a woman has been with you and decides she does not want to be with you anymore, it means she has fallen out of love with you (possibly because of things you did or things you didn’t do). Whatever the case may be, let her go in peace. Don’t go looking for her because your ego is hurt. Don’t purchase acid to show her what you are made of. Don’t strangle her, don’t go near her. Leave her be. That way, everyone gets to live another day.

Image result for man in prison

Source: bullets and blessings

#3 When a woman cheats on you, and I know this is difficult as hell, WALK AWAY! You don’t have to stay. If you just cannot process it, leave her be. She is not yours to strangle. Let karma deal with her even if it takes too long. The beauty of karma is that you can watch while you enjoy popcorn as opposed to being in a crowded cell where “orange is the new black.”

#4 If a woman loves you and the feeling is not mutual, it is OK to tell her you are not interested. Don’t play with her emotions and make her climb mountains and cross rivers for you. Don’t accept any investment she attempts to make regarding you. You are emotionally unequally yoked so don’t let it go farther than a handshake. Let your words and your actions spell it out precisely, without violence or destructive words that you are not interested.

#5 when a woman says she loves you, it does not mean her middle name is stupid. the fact that she forgives you does not mean she does not know that you are treating her as less and invalidating all her dreams and aspirations. It does not mean she does not know you are sucking the life out of her so you can be extra in your own endeavors. She knows, and she stays. Partly because the song in her heart dies a little every time you assert your needs over hers and make her feel unworthy, and partly because she worries you might wither if she walks away because there would be no other life for you to suck from.

Please stop taking our love for granted; stop stifling our dreams and aspirations for your own benefit (or for any other person’s benefit for that matter); stop treating us like we don’t matter, like the essence of us is not enough; like the queen in us is not real. Stop making us feel like we are not worthy, like you are doing us a favor by staying, like we must constantly prove ourselves worthy of your passing gaze because being comfortable in our skin does not make you happy. Stop threatening us with “If I can’t have you, no one else can”. Stop! PLEASE JUST STOP.

Stop killing us with your words. With your actions. With your hands.

We deserve better from you.


When Can Women Beat Men?

I have to ask this question because it is necessary.

A woman was found beaten to death by her husband, who by the way locked her corpse in the house with her two kids, and hit the highway to hiding… and the first question people ask is “what did she do? He couldn’t have beaten her for no reason!”

Are you all trying to pull my legs? Am I getting punked here? Is there any justification to beat another human being, the mother of your children, and the wife you promised to love and protect to death or at all? Because it seems like there is. The first question many men AND women ask when they find out a woman is being physically abused by her husband is “what is she doing wrong?”Since that is the case, I have my own questions.

When can we women beat men?

Can we beat men when they cheat on us without remorse and even justify their infidelity by using flimsy excuses like “last week when I called you at work, you were too busy to answer so I had to cheat” Can we beat men when they lie? Because that seems to be in their genetic makeup. Can we beat them when they lie over and over again that the ladies’clothes in the closet belong to their long lost cousin when really they belong to the main chic we don’t know about? Can we beat men for deciding they can play with our emotions as they wish? Drag us along for a ride they are not willing to take and then at the last minute come up with a “baby it’s not you, it’s me”line? Can we beat men when they fail to acknowledge how their words hurt us and rob us of our worth or is that something only men are allowed to feel?

Can we beat men when they tell their mistresses that their wives are distant relations who have accommodation problems? Can we beat men when they don’t return home at night and don’t call to tell us why? Can we beat men when they refuse to contribute to the upkeep of the home, yet gladly dole out cash to ladies young enough to be our children? Can we beat men when they secretly get married while we are still daydreaming of our happy endings with them? Can we beat men when they use us and discard us like napkins in the trash?

Most importantly, can we beat men when they beat us, or do we have to keep praying for them to stop? Can we beat men when we return home after a long day and they have not made a single attempt to get dinner started? Can we beat men when they smile at other women or speak to them? Can we beat men when they share their opinions? I really need to know when we can beat men.

I need all the men who believe a woman deserves to be beaten for wrongdoing to please explain to me when it is OK for us women to beat men. Tell me when it is OK for us to grab our leather belts and horse whips and correct that man child. If you cannot come up with one single scenario where women can beat men, understand that it was never OK and it will never ever be OK for men to beat women. XOXO

Get Out Now!

When I first wrote on the brink of insanity; the case of Janet Bond, I had no idea I’d be reiterating the same post in relation to a friend’s actions. Last night I was informed that a friend I met at university stabbed her husband to death. The circumstances surrounding his murder remain unclear. While some people claim she was acting in self-defence because he was abusive, others claim she was an infidel who stabbed her husband after he caught her with a lover. Some people claim she discovered he fathered a son; her family claims she’s innocent; her friends claim it must have been a moment of temporary insanity; childhood buddies find it difficult to relate the lady we know with murder. I am having the same difficulty, but the truth is that a man is dead. He was murdered by his wife. He had been stabbed by her earlier in the day, treated at the hospital, and when he returned home to sleep, for some reason, he was stabbed again. A major artery was cut open, and he lost his life within a few minutes.

Last month, in South Africa, a lady patiently waited in the dead of the night for a kettle of water to boil, and a pan of cooking oil to heat up. She mixed the two hot fluids and poured them on her boyfriend’s penis because he allegedly cheated on her. Sometime last year, while I was waiting for a friend in front of her apartment complex, a car exploded before my very eyes, and one person jumped out…on fire… to open the driver’s door so the other reluctant fellow could get out of the car. I later got to learn that they were lovers arguing, and at some point, one of them (can’t tell if it was the man or the woman) rolled up the windows, poured an accelerant all over the car interior and lit a match. The car burned to the ground with explosive sounds. The two people were on fire for no less than three minutes. I was traumatized for days.

Classic cases of crimes of passion, or should I rather say crimes of obsession.

Here’s something you need to understand as an individual: different people will awaken different demons in you. You might be cool, calm, and collected as a single person, but act like a monster when you are in a relationship…with the wrong person. The truth is the wrong person is not necessarily a bad person. The wrong person is just someone whose goals, visions and way of life do not align with yours. Someone whose ‘demons’ cannot have an amicable discussion with your ‘demons’. Now in such a situation, you have two options: to walk away, cut your losses, and move on or to ensure things work out irrespective of the deeply-ingrained character odds you both face. The latter is where obsession begins. Obsession is what leads to thoughts of violence, the actual perpetration of violence, and in many cases, the end results are fatal…. Like in the case of my friend.

It does not have to reach that point. You can stop yourself from going overboard. You can hold yourself back from crossing to the dark side. You have the power to hold back and walk away. The moment you ingrain this in your mind, you have already won over the voices in your head that constantly tell you must make it work.

Of course, the voices in your head that tell you to choose obsession over freedom are not the only ones you have to win. The external pressure from society is enough to cripple anyone’s emotions. Having a steady relationship in today’s world is an achievement. Bless you if you are a well-educated woman, with a thriving career, AND a stable relationship. People are more likely to advise you to stay and make it work, rather than tell you to cut your losses and move on. When ‘your man’ takes interest in another woman, society will tell you to stay and make it work else the other woman wins. Wins? It is not a damn contest! Those people do not understand the emotional pressure you are under in a toxic relationship. When a woman hits a man, the man is often advised to keep it hush-hush to avoid coming across as a sissy. He cannot fully express the pressure he is under, and if he leaves, he is considered a failure. The toxicity continues to grow in the silence we are all forced to adopt, and after a while people burst at the seams and act in unimaginable ways that leave everyone else stunned.

Get out now. It will be difficult after you’ve invested so much in the relationship. It will be difficult because the world is telling you to hold on; no relationship is perfect. True. But some relationships are healthy even in their imperfections. Choose health over everything else – emotional, physical and psychological health.

Quit obsessing over the relationship. The moment you start to throw tantrums, attack other men or women, or find yourself enduring emotional outbursts that end in violence, it is time to pack your bags and leave. It is time to go on a retreat and let it go. The moment you start to play James or Janet Bond, it is time to exit peacefully. Get out now. It is not worth it to make it work.

My friend destroyed two lives in her emotional outburst – hers and that of a promising young man. She was a prosecutor who will never live the life she built with so much effort. He was a property developer who will never see the light of day again. She had no right to kill a man. No one has any right to kill. She could have left; he could have left. It doesn’t matter what anyone does, walking away is always an option. Use it! Sometimes, it is not worth it to make it work. Rather save your life and preserve the life of the other person. Get out now and have peace. Choose freedom over obsession. May the soul of the departed rest in peace.