“Lower Your Standards”

This is one advice I think every single girl has heard at some point in her life.

When people ask you why you’re single (by the way I find it surprising people haven’t figured out this question is annoying), they’re sometimes fishing to hear what barriers you’ve built around yourself, preventing you from finding eternal happiness. I always say “oh wow… I don’t know. Perhaps you can tell me.” Of course, this gets them excited and the next question comes –  “What do you want in a partner?”

This is where you probably get shaky; there is a strong urge to not come across as shallow, and at the same time, not aim too high because you don’t want to be seen as a gold digger (whatever that means); so you find yourself rambling off the perfect textbook response; “I don’t care about looks or achievements. As long as he has potential and he’s sweet, I’m good”. This is the response that is supposed to get you the clap on the back as they sing your praises for knowing what it is exactly to look for in a man, yet it sometimes fails to impress. They might still say “why does he need to have potential? You can build potential into him when you start dating!” or you might get the “Don’t think men are always sweet; just be ready to look past the difficult times!” It seems you can never win, and will always get the advice to lower your standards till you have nothing left. You don’t want to hear the long lecture I get due to my precise list of standards, so I’ll spare you.

There is constant pressure on us single women to lower our standards; it is not about waiting for who you deserve, it’s about making the available desirable, and the world will not stop reminding us about that educated woman who married an uneducated bus driver, and succeeded in her marriage. Society will not stop pointing at that lady who married the unemployed man and is now the happiest wife on earth. Of course, they will not forget to point out that woman who earns more than her husband, so she gives him her salary and lets him decide what should be done with it. With your education, exposure, and independence, you’re still single because you are looking for a man who has everything you have, and more…. Like that is some kind of crime.

I watched a 25 year old doctor break down in tears on TV during the course of a dating show. She had her standards, very reasonable ones if I might add. She didn’t want a guy who drinks because she’d had a bad experience with an alcoholic in her past, and she wanted him to be a man who had a good relationship with God. This was a 25 year old medical doctor who was beautiful, and seemed to have excelled against all odds. Sadly, everyone, including the men themselves thought her requirements were just too high. She ended up in tears, like many of us have, wondering if we will ever meet this dream man.

Do not lower your standards except you can tolerate the lowered version! The reason many women end up brokenhearted over and over again is not necessarily because some men are jerks; it is sometimes because as women we tell ourselves to give an undeserving man a chance, because we might find happiness in the relationship. We lower our standards and instead of allowing kings into our lives, we open the door for clowns and jesters. We keep lowering our standards until we start to doubt our identity, and we find that  with the barest minimum, we are unhappy.

I have come to learn that it is OK to want whatever it is that you want. If you want him to be tall, dark, handsome, and successful, and a good man, you should not apologize for it. Stay true to that, and you will get it! Stop compromising stupidly, and then spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself it was worth it. From experience, I can tell you compromising to a point you can’t handle will only bring you loads of regret. You will ask yourself why you stooped so low, and you’ll always be on the lookout for someone better. What on earth is the point of the relationship in that case?

Stop lowering your standards except you can cope; I love men who are drop-dead gorgeous but it doesn’t hurt me to date a man who’s just good-looking, as long as he’s not an eye sore, and I don’t foresee my children being teased on the school playground. When it comes to drive, ambition, achievements, success, intellectual conversations and emotional maturity, those are non-negotiable! I should probably feel bad for wanting so much, but I don’t, and you shouldn’t too. You’ve worked hard to be where you are; you are still working hard to be where you want to be. Why should you aim lower when you can reach higher? XOXO

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“I Don’t Want to Get Married”

Ladies, I know I don’t have to ask if you’ve ever uttered those words. Except you have been absolutely sheltered from heartbreak, or you’re one of those annoyingly lucky people who happen to find their perfect partner in the first guy they date, you must have uttered these words at the peak of hurt, frustration or downright anger against one man or men as the situation may be. Of course, there are many women who TRULY do not want to be married; the idea of such a hectic commit takes a difficult bearing on their psyche, but this post is not about criticizing or approving anyone’s choices regarding marriage. This post is about the women who REALLY DO want to be married but feel it’s a crime to admit it.

Image credit: http://www.stephanspeaks.com

In a typical long term relationship, most women start settling into the routine of things; they cook religiously (I mean enough food to last the dude a couple of weeks), they clean as soon as they arrive at his apartment (why some women make sanitation of their man’s space their mission is still beyond me), and of course, they give up the cookie as often as he wants, in any bendy twisty direction he likes. Afterall, the way to a man’s heart momma never told us about is something other than food. But here’s the thing, many women, in spite of fulfilling these wifely duties, and fitting the role of the perfect wife often find themselves confronted with one of these statements from their man:

“I don’t think I’m ready to get married” (The usual reaction is there’s a bit of hope he’ll be ready soon).

“I’m not sure I am the best for you” (what they actually mean is “I’m not sure you are the best for me” but this is lost on many women so what do they do? They go on a mission to convince him he’s the best they could ever hope for, even if they know deep down he certainly is not).

And of course, there’s the “I don’t want to get married” statement, which either sends a woman into shock or confusion or a very common act of defensiveness. Most women usually respond with the same statement thrown at them “I also don’t want to get married”, and this is where things really start to go downhill.

Image credit: everydaylife.globalpost.com

You see, in our society, a desire for marriage has been labeled to be some kind of latent desperation in women. This is not to say some women are not desperate to the point where they’d marry an empty three-piece suit; yes, those women exist. But also there are women who genuinely want to be married because they want to raise a family, have a husband, have someone warm to cuddle next to during the winter nights, and someone to go to the beach with during summer. It’s a desire that comes from a place of sincerity, but for the sake of not coming across as desperate, many women are ashamed to admit they want to be married.

Modesty, lack of identification of desires, and a general feeling of guilt for admitting what we want to others, are some of the reasons women think it’s OK to let their men know they don’t want to get married, even though they are dying inside. I find it very weird that anyone would want to kill their desires simply because someone else is not onboard with them. Why do women sink themselves into relationships that head nowhere all in a bid to not appear too needy or desperate? What exactly do you intend to achieve by claiming untruths and establishing them as your reality?

First things first, if a man says he’s not ready to get married, chances are you’ll feel like a nag. Why bring it up? You’ll ask yourself. ‘Now he’ll think I want to dictate the pace of the relationship!’ Well, I don’t know about dictating the pace, but I do believe the more probable reasons your man is saying he’s not ready to get married are a.) he doesn’t see himself spending eternity with you, irrespective of how hard you may have worked to prove yourself; b.) He’s really not ready because he’s not as mature as you are, and feels he’s been trapped in a relationship with you, while his friends sowed some wild oats. So yes, there might be hope, but there is also a huge chance of disappointment. It’s up to you to decide what’s likely to happen based on his character.

“I’m not sure I’m the best for you” – this right here is the oldest trick in the book. This is the seed of guilt that somehow chips away at you, and eats away at the corners of your heart. How could he possibly think he’s not perfect for you after all these years? Surely you must prove him wrong. DON’T! When a person says they don’t deserve you, believe them. By all means, please believe them. Don’t try to prove them wrong by devaluing yourself, and overdoing to compensate for their insecurities. If they don’t consider themselves good enough for you, chances are they will project their insecurities on to you. Sometimes, this is a statement that actually means “pack up and leave. I’d rather be with someone else”.

“I don’t want to get married” is sometimes an incomplete statement that ends with “to you”, but they know it would be too cruel to tell you the whole truth so they’d rather leave you to go into confusion trying to understand how you never realized you both didn’t share the vision of marriage. To alleviate the risk of losing the love of your life, you will claim in all entirety that you do not want to get married. You will tell him how you love what you both have, and don’t want to mess it up by getting married, and of course, you will start to question your desire to be married. STOP!!! If you want to be married, girl be bold enough to say so! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married; yes for some people, you’ll be coming on a little too strong, but we are talking about what you want here. Why should you apologize for it? Why should you beat your heart till it stops beating for your sincere desire? Why should you let someone else dictate what you want or do not want? It’s difficult, I know, but it’s best to leave. If a person doesn’t want to get married (to you as we now know), why stick around to fulfill that person’s desires at the detriment of yours?

I understand many of us women still subconsciously reside in a patriarchal society where the needs of a man dictate the pace of the relationship. I am onboard with that if his needs are aligned with yours! So before you utter the words “I don’t want to get married” next time, ask yourself what it is exactly you’re doing- Are you killing your desire to fulfill his dreams, or are you just scared of losing the love of your life, who by the way is probably not in love with you anymore? XOXO

Are You Dating Down Just to Settle Down?

The incessant race to get married is not helping society in any way. Single ladies in their mid and late twenties are not spared third degree style questioning by family members with regards to their intention to settle down. “When are you getting married?”, “I hope you are not chasing men away with your attitude?”, “Lower your standards, no man can meet all these requirements”…the list of advice goes on and on until you find yourself looking exasperated and questioning where your life is heading. I was home for a couple of weeks and these questions were on everyone’s lips… Needless to say, I was tired of answering all the questions and I could feel the migraines approaching. No wonder many women date down just so they can settle down.

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Now, when many of us hear the phrase ‘dating down’, we immediately think about money and social class. While those two are important factors when a lady is about to get married, there are many women out there married to men with good financial standing and from high social class, yet they know at the bottom of their hearts that they married undeserving men. If you are dating an abusive man, believe me, you are dating down! If you are dating a man who is totally uneducated while you are aspiring to reach great heights with your education, you are dating down! If you are dating a man who expects you to wear the pants around the house, simply because he’s too weak to make decisions or support you financially, you are dating down! Dating down is a crime no woman should commit if she respects and loves herself. When you start dating down, you have basically entered into a relationship with someone who cannot understand your drive for success, your dreams or your legit hustle to achieve them. I have friends telling me their husbands don’t want them to pursue their masters degrees, just so they won’t be more qualified. I have friends that are broken, telling me they don’t have husbands; instead they have an extra mouth to feed as the mister is just home, chilling on the couch, doing nothing! Society can tell you your reasonable standards are too high; don’t listen. Society won’t lift a finger to help you when you start doing a lifetime sentence for dating down. I am not saying if you have a car, he must have three or if you have a PhD, he must have one too. On the contrary, I am saying you need to be with a man who is emotionally, intellectually and financially compatible with you. He has to be someone who is actively working to achieve his dreams, and not just telling you about how much potential he has. Everyone that is alive has potential! Don’t get stuck in that trap!

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While I was home, my sister’s best friend made a statement that caught my attention. She said “When you get to a certain age, you just have to settle for whoever comes your way.” I didn’t argue or respond, simply because I didn’t have the energy to. Besides, she is way older than I am so I couldn’t understand where she was coming from. My thoughts however were ‘what’s the point of settling if you’ll be miserable till death parts you and your unfit partner?’ That explains why many people kill their partners! Aha! Riddle solved! Don’t date down! Don’t settle for an abusive man (be it physical or emotional), because your biological clock is ticking. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t respect you simply because society said marriage will change him. Don’t settle for a man who will stand in the way of your dreams simply because they are bigger than his! Don’t settle for what’s beneath you! It’s a sign you don’t love yourself enough. Aim high, work towards your dreams, achieve your goals! Unlike society thinks, there is a lid for every pot! XOXO

 

PS: I missed you all these past few weeks! Now share your thoughts on the subject. As usual, I am looking forward to reading them.

 

Lies Single Women Tell Themselves

Single women lie to themselves- that is not news. Married women lie to single women- Oh! Are you surprised?! Sometimes, people feed us with information to sway our desires and decisions to suit the lifestyles they already live…. I will address this in a later post.

Today, I was working on my book when this topic came to mind- lies we single women tell ourselves and the lies society has made us believe. These are the lies that mostly influence our relationship decisions and lead to so many of us living unhappy discontent lives by the time we are 40, married with three kids and worried about the bank coming to repossess the house.

#1 The ‘Display Your Personal Assets’ lie: These days, the belief of this lie is conspicuous in the way women carry themselves. some of us call it the effects of modernization while I just call it selling yourself cheap; whatever the case, we can all agree that this is one lie that hurts us women today even though we struggle to accept it. In case you are still wondering what this is about, I am referring to the new dress code women have adopted- boobs hanging out, legs and half of our butts exposed…then we go on dates and claim we want a man who is after God’s heart. How exactly will that work? This dress code stems from the belief that men want a woman who is sexy and is not afraid to display it. Afterall, these are the kinds of women getting married these days- no doubt but the question is what kind of man are they married to? Is that the kind of man you would like to marry? Can any man take you serious when the whole world can see your nipples and your butt hanging out on a date? The truth is this: Men like excitement and thrill but once they are done with the treat, they throw the lady in a ‘tool box’ of tools they will only open when they feel like it and she may not even be the tool of choice. Let a man see you for what is in your head and your heart, not what should be hidden beneath your clothes.  Displaying your assets will not attract men, it will attract dogs that are simply hungry for a piece of meat. When the meat is all chowed up, be sure some more dogs will come for the bones, until there is no evidence left of the meat…well, besides some cartilage pieces.

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#2 Poverty breeds good behaviour: LIE LIE LIE!!!! i don’t know where this came from but it really bothers me. These days, when a wealthy couple’s marriage end in divorce, many people are lined up and ready to point out that money i snot everything, it doesn’t bring happiness and bla bla.And living in a shack does? Ladies please!!!! Many of our married friends that married down are quick to point out how rosy things are for them but the truth they don’t tell you is how bent their backs are from carrying the dead weight of their husbands.Many women believe when a man has nothing, he is automatically a good person, while a financially stable man has a higher chance of being abusive and unavailable in marriage, hence women date down. Stop lying to yourself. That philosophy does not hold. If a man has nothing, that is dangerous to you, not just financially but emotionally too! Are you aware of what he might become when he starts to make it? I always say that you know a man when he has power and money by the way he treats himself, those below him and those around him. You can’t know anything about a man who is on the floor! If you ask him to lick your ass, he will because he doesn’t have any status to refuse! I’m not saying some poor men are not good but being poor is not the prerequisite for good behaviour. Hint: always aspire for a man who is on the same level as you are or higher! Dating down is self-crime!Image

For more on this, check out my post on gold digging here–>  https://ladydacreme.wordpress.com/2013/10/25/be-a-gold-digger/

#3 Potential Is All I Need to See: This one cracks me up; I am sure you are surprised because this is a statement that is very common amongst single women. Everyone talks about potential, potential and more potential. Lady, EVERY LIVING BEING HAS POTENTIAL! As long as a person is alive and breathing, he has the potential to turn his life in any direction, a drug addict has the potential to change, a child that is terrible at maths has the potential to become better….with practice. In other words, POTENTIAL IS NOT ENOUGH! Action is what you need to see. I have the potential to become a best-selling author in a year or two but I don’t see that happening if i laze around on the couch all day and do nothing. I can write a whole book but it’s not going anyway if I don’t get an agent, a publisher or the whole nine yards. Potential just won’t do! You need to see him in action, making changes in his life and striving to make sure life is better for both of you. Many women are in the potential trap, growing grey hairs, don’t be one of them!

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#4 Men will be intimidated If I’m Intelligent: Yea…this is one many of us that have dared to venture into the world of postgraduate studies face. Our mothers even get scared for us..”You are pursuing a PhD? Where will you find a man?” Oh well! *shrug*… I should do a post on lies our mothers told us. Anyway, back to the point; if a man is intimidated by your achievements, he is not the man for you. An oppressed man expresses himself in different ways- he is either a wimp or a monster. The ‘wimpy’ ones are willing to lick your feet, unable to take a decision about their own lives and will nicely sit around like lap dogs until you throw them a ball to fetch. The monsters on the other hand want you to know who wears the pants in the relationship and will not miss an opportunity to talk you down or tell you how unnecessary it is for you to tell his friends what your research is about. No….they want you to sit quietly like a lap dog until they tell you to fetch, get it? They attempt to break you until you become a wimp. Sadly, many well-achieved women are attracted to the monsters because they believe that is the best bet they have, and that is certainly better than having a man that is a wimp. Wrong! None of them would do. Don’t dumb yourself down for any man and really, you don’t need to carry your achievements on your shoulders like honorary badges. Be yourself, go on dates, have fun, enjoy your life, enjoy it when a worthy man chases you and let him know you can be caught (give him a bit of a hard time, it’s just fun that way *evil grin*), but whatever you do, don’t accept that you can’t find a man because you are smart. No! The truth is, you can’t find an idiot because you are smart; he will simply faint from the aroma of your intelligence, and yeah…that’s the way it should be! 😉

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XOXO