Ladies, Just Started Dating? Here are Five Ground Rules For You

I wrote this post for the covenant relationship blog, and I just had to share it here as well with followers of motivation springs.

People say there are no rules regarding relationships, hence couples are free to decide what they want in their relationship and how they want their interactions to play out. While that is a very nice disposition to have as it helps you avoid being swept away by society’s wave of how relationships should play out, it is important to know that you can only get to that stage if you follow some well-defined ground rules.

Usually, when people start a new relationship, they tend to throw caution to the wind and allow a lot of misdeeds in order to avoid coming across as ‘too complicated’. This is very common with women who are often so excited to be in a relationship, they will do anything to make sure it works. Before you set out to do anything to make your relationship work, here are five ground rules you may want to consider.

marieclaire.co.uk

#1 Don’t Lay Down Your Insecurities: Many people in a bid to come across as real, and quit beating around the bush often start their relationships by listing out all the things they are insecure about. “I feel like my complexion is uneven”, “Sorry my apartment is not halfway as fancy as yours”, “I wonder if you’ll leave me for someone who’s more educated later on”…. These are the different insecurities people express at the beginning of  a relationship that immediately reduce their worth in the eyes of their new partner. Oh yes, it sounds like that partner is  a jerk, but truly, your vague expressions of what you lack show that you value yourself based on what you have, and by expressing them, you are teaching your partner to value you the same way too. Some women have believe this will make them closer to their new partner quicker and he can immediately assume his role as prince charming. Free advice from me? It does not work.

#2 Don’t Accept Everything: Some people are really desperate to be in relationships, even more desperate than they would like to admit. These are the people who accept all kinds of disrespectful behavior just so they can tell others they are with someone. You are better off on your own than being with a person who cheats on you, compares you to other people or gets irritated by you for being yourself, and feels the need to change you. Believe me when I tell you whatever you compromise yourself to keep, you will eventually lose.

#3 Don’t Play a Role; Play yourself! A role suggests that you are taking on an identity you have read about somewhere. Many women are guilty of this. The moment they start dating a guy, they switch to wife and mother mode. This is because women have been told they have to prove they are worth the commitment of marriage. They go to his home to cook and clean. They do his laundry, rearrange his closet, and try to establish their place in his life by acting like the madam of the house. It is not your duty to crown yourself as the madam of his home when he hasn’t even mentioned his intentions to marry you. It is not your duty to push him to propose either. It is his duty to establish your place in his life, and if he can’t do that, never forget you can use the door.

Rather than aiming to play a role,

aim to have loads of fun!

#4 Don’t be in a haste to do the deed: There is a lot more satisfaction that comes from delayed gratification, and there is nothing that brings more confusion and hurt than unripe sexual gratification in a new relationship. Take your time, what’s the rush? Showing him early on that you are a hybrid of Jackie Chan and Nicki Minaj in bed does not guarantee anything. He might even end up marrying someone who’s a nun compared to you, so take your time.

#5 Don’t apologize for the way you live your life: Yes, there are certain compromises that need to be made in order to make a relationship work, but they should not be compromises that will make you feel like you are being abused, used or forced to adopt a new way of life. Many people don’t know who they are anymore because they are always adapting themselves to whoever they are dating. If you are one of those people, here’s  a harsh truth you should know: Many people who often say they want a very particular type of person are usually unhappy with you when you change to become that person. So what is the point really? Be yourself! Flaws can be gently tweaked, and excesses can be curbed but your individuality should never be at stake during the process. Love who you are, accept it and DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR IT. XOXO

Advertisements

On the Brink of Insanity: The Case of Janet Bond

When it comes to life, people, jobs, and anything else that can play on my emotions, I have one simple rule – “the moment you start to act in an unbecoming manner, or you find yourself evolving into someone/something else, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.”

photo credit: girlsgun.tumblr.com

This rule has always worked for me; perhaps it is one of the reasons why people get frustrated with me when I don’t rise to the occasion of anger, emotional outbursts of unnecessary slander, and fist fights. Nope, you would not catch me engaging in any of those. If I need to give a piece of my mind, I will do so as calmly as possible and be on my way. But of course you’re not here to read about how I handle conflict or emotional displays of strife in my life. You are here to read about Janet Bond, and possibly find out who she is. No need to keep you in suspense- You are Janet Bond. You and the many other women who have let the failure of their relationships push them to the brink of insanity.

I’ve always known that women are not always big fans of one another. Placing a seemingly superior woman in a room full of seemingly ‘normal’ women can turn the room green with envy. O yes, there is such a thing as collective envy where women hate on someone they perceive as superior, not because she’s a bad person but because you know… she swishes into the room like she owns the place and comes across as ‘off-ish’. That really does not surprise me. It’s not normal for me, but it’s not surprising. What surprises me is the women who date and marry philandering men, or force men to be with them, and then proceed to stalk, threaten and possibly maim any other woman that man comes in contact with.

Yes, those are the Janet Bonds… they can tell you how many parts per million of oxgen their man inhales in a day, his resting heart rate, and the color of his poo. They check the car mileage to be sure he went to work and nowhere else; they divert his calls to their phone just so they can yell at any female voice on the other end. Yes, they actively seek out any woman they think might take their place, and proceed to announce that they are married to the man in question, and have no plans whatsoever of relinquishing their position. It doesn’t matter if she’s just his buddy or even a client; the lines must be drawn and she must know who calls the shots where the mister is concerned.

*SIGH*

Dear Janet Bond, please stop! Stop before you go over the wall into full insanity. Stop before you end up in a psychiatric hospital chained to a bed, with doctors administering sedatives to keep you normal. Your public displays, stalking, and emotional tantrums are all you need to see that your relationship is not working. No, it’s not because of his female friend or his female colleague. It’s because he doesn’t care enough for you and deep inside you know it. You are already insecure in the fact that he just does not love you anymore, but at this point, the thought of starting over is just too daunting. Where will you begin and with who? How will you piece every part of you back together? Yes, these are the thoughts that fuel your unbecoming behavior and slowly push you to the edge of identity oblivion. These are the thoughts that slowly swirl you around in a pool of insanity. Of course you’ll find friends who will join you. They will help you hatch plans on how to catch out this other woman who does not exist. They will help you monitor him and report to you with alacrity should he dare smile at any other woman! Afterall, if you are able to chase off any woman close to him, he’ll have no choice but to stay with you.

vogue.co.uk

Janet Bond, G.I. Jane, or whatever identity you may have evolved into, let me just say it is time to go on a retreat, on holiday, or best still, cut your losses and move on. Surely, the loss of a relationship cannot result in the loss of your identity. Or should I rather say it should not result in the loss of your identity. It is not your duty to wade women off your man. He’s a man, not a toddler. If he’s a cheater, stalking all his female friends won’t stop him. Threatening him/ them, or all of them while you have them bound in chains will not help either. It will not make him love you, and it definitely will not make him hate them (whoever they are). It will not fix your relationship or make it the fairy tale you want it to be. It will not change the fact that he’s just not into you anymore and has psychologically and emotionally departed from the relationship. You need to bring yourself back from the brink of insanity. Don’t go overboard just yet.

Love yourself enough to leave when love is no longer being served.

What exactly are you afraid of? That you will not find another him? That’s OK! You can find someone better! You are beautiful, strong, and a rare gem. If he can’t see it, it’s not your duty to make him. Your duty is not to make a relationship survive to avoid being ostracized by society. Your duty is not to chase away the skirts, or constantly make a fool of yourself, or even end up with a murder charge on your head. Your duty in this life is to yourself first and foremost – to know your worth and love yourself; to know what you bring to the table so you can have the courage to eat alone should the need arise.

Love yourself enough to leave when love is no longer being served. Drop the Janet Bond identity and just be you. A man already knows who he wants. If it’s you, he’ll definitely know where to find you. All your theatrics, emotional manipulation and stalking will not help. and Oh! Just by the way, it is impossible to steal a man. Men leave; they don’t get stolen. XOXO

Six Lessons Women Should Learn From Men

Growing up, I found it a lot easier to relate with boys than with girls. Boys were free, easy to handle, hardly got offended, and were just fun to be around. Of course, girls were fun too! I was lucky to be blessed with girlfriends I could easily get along with. Luckily for me,many of my female friends back then had similar character traits to my male friends. We were mischievous, care-free, and free of judgment. It was a very simple time that I miss dearly sometimes. If only I could go back to being 14 when all I really cared about was tormenting my tutor, and reading Shakespeare. These days, I have come to learn that female friendships, especially when formed after the early twenties phase come with a lot of surprises, questions, weird adjustments, and downright unnecessary arguments. This is why I believe women can take some lessons from men. As a matter of fact, it is imperative that we do!

Lesson #1: Two male strangers with the same shirt at a party become friends – I cannot say the same for my fellow women. It seems like there is a need to prove superiority over other women, and wardrobe is one of the sectors where we must prove ourselves. Seriously, it is the dumbest thing ever. You are aware that except you get Ralph Lauren to personally design your wardrobe, someone out there has exactly the same clothing item right? So what’s the big deal? Why can’t we shake hands like men would, hug each other and NOT compare prices or store quality? Just have a good time and take pictures. Life’s too short to hate on a stranger for wearing the same shirt as you.

Lesson #2: With men, there’s no gossip; gist is simply what it is- gist! With women, it’s a different plot and tale altogether. Have you ever noticed that men can sit and talk about their friends, laugh about it, leave, and none of them would sneak a call later in the day to say “Hey they were discussing you today”. Yeah! With women, there’s that one person that brings out the gossip in simple gist. Before you can roll your tongue twice, it becomes a battle of “she said, you said” Seems we are only safe around each other if we are discussing the weather and cooking recipes.

huffingtonpost.com

Lesson #3: Men don’t watch what they say around each other. For real, they don’t. I still keep a good group of male friends, and I have noticed they speak freely. Yes, some egos might be bruised, but it’s often taken in the good faith that they all have good intentions towards one another, and before you know it, it is water off a duck’s back. With women, it’s like cow dung stuck on grass! There’s the fear of hitting a nerve or a sore spot even with the purest of intentions. This is because women for some reason assume other women have it out for them, hence they listen to every word, every breath, every sigh, and if possible, everything you did not say. Is it me or is that just a great recipe for migraines? #NoTime

Lesson #4: Men are loyal; they support each other even without proof. I cannot count the number of times I have heard my male friends say “X can’t do that; I just know he can’t”, even though they are not sure. With women, yes sometimes, there’s that “I don’t think she can do that”, but with the right persuasion, it becomes “Hey.. it’s possible who knows if she is telling the truth” Yeah, we are all guilty of this one. Seriously we need re-programming! This is why it is so easy to come between female friends than it is to come between male friends. More often than not, women are quick to put knives in each other’s backs, and hilariously enough, they are willing to do so to support men. Yeah.. that’s just messed up.

Lesson #5: After marriage, men stay friends – I am yet to meet a guy who cut off his male friends (single/married) after tying the knot. For most women, the sanitation begins as soon as they arrive from the honeymoon. Many single friends get axed for petty reasons or no reasons at all. Sometimes, it’s due to the delusion of grandeur of a married status; sometimes it is due to the insecurity and fear of becoming a classic victim of husband-snatching. Whatever the reason may be, it is idiotic please. Women need each other more after marriage! Sometimes your single friend is your most objective friend when you find yourself in a sticky situation. Men hardly ever cut off their friends out of insecurity, sense of achievement or fear, so why do we women do it? #QuestionForTheGods

iwishiknewthis.com

Lesson #6: Men hang out; and NO it’s not because they want others to see their new Prada boots, or get a whiff of their Thierry Mugler . Men hang out for the sake of hanging out; no ulterior motives whatsoever; no desire to prove superiority; in fact, men can hang out in their PJs, and have fun. Men don’t mind being cooped up in the house playing PlayStation games. Ah with women, hanging out can be difficult simply because everyone is wondering what will be said about them the following day. Women will actually refuse to hang out with their friends if they believe their friends are doing better in life. No I’m not kidding. I’ve met these people. It seems women find it burdensome to hang out together. They would rather rush home to be with men who end up leaving to hang out with their buddies. A top executive once told me this is the reason men succeed at work better than women. They go out, sign deals over beers or golf, and meet VIPs just by watching soccer at a local pub. Women? Not so much. We would rather sit alone at home watching Telemundo than sit with our friends to FREELY discuss whatever burdens we are carrying. It is hilarious that some women refuse to hang out with their friends so they can be considered as desirable wife material. Lord help us! #Can’tDeal

The truth is that many women would survive better in relationships, their careers, and life in general if they adopted some of these ‘male rules’ in their relations with other women. Women, my fellow women! Let us learn to love and support one another. Stop fishing for hurt where there isn’t any, and stop assuming every woman out there is out to get you. Yes, there are some crazies you must avoid, but there are also many sincere people you can connect with. Reach out to a fellow woman today. XOXO

“Lower Your Standards”

This is one advice I think every single girl has heard at some point in her life.

When people ask you why you’re single (by the way I find it surprising people haven’t figured out this question is annoying), they’re sometimes fishing to hear what barriers you’ve built around yourself, preventing you from finding eternal happiness. I always say “oh wow… I don’t know. Perhaps you can tell me.” Of course, this gets them excited and the next question comes –  “What do you want in a partner?”

This is where you probably get shaky; there is a strong urge to not come across as shallow, and at the same time, not aim too high because you don’t want to be seen as a gold digger (whatever that means); so you find yourself rambling off the perfect textbook response; “I don’t care about looks or achievements. As long as he has potential and he’s sweet, I’m good”. This is the response that is supposed to get you the clap on the back as they sing your praises for knowing what it is exactly to look for in a man, yet it sometimes fails to impress. They might still say “why does he need to have potential? You can build potential into him when you start dating!” or you might get the “Don’t think men are always sweet; just be ready to look past the difficult times!” It seems you can never win, and will always get the advice to lower your standards till you have nothing left. You don’t want to hear the long lecture I get due to my precise list of standards, so I’ll spare you.

There is constant pressure on us single women to lower our standards; it is not about waiting for who you deserve, it’s about making the available desirable, and the world will not stop reminding us about that educated woman who married an uneducated bus driver, and succeeded in her marriage. Society will not stop pointing at that lady who married the unemployed man and is now the happiest wife on earth. Of course, they will not forget to point out that woman who earns more than her husband, so she gives him her salary and lets him decide what should be done with it. With your education, exposure, and independence, you’re still single because you are looking for a man who has everything you have, and more…. Like that is some kind of crime.

I watched a 25 year old doctor break down in tears on TV during the course of a dating show. She had her standards, very reasonable ones if I might add. She didn’t want a guy who drinks because she’d had a bad experience with an alcoholic in her past, and she wanted him to be a man who had a good relationship with God. This was a 25 year old medical doctor who was beautiful, and seemed to have excelled against all odds. Sadly, everyone, including the men themselves thought her requirements were just too high. She ended up in tears, like many of us have, wondering if we will ever meet this dream man.

Do not lower your standards except you can tolerate the lowered version! The reason many women end up brokenhearted over and over again is not necessarily because some men are jerks; it is sometimes because as women we tell ourselves to give an undeserving man a chance, because we might find happiness in the relationship. We lower our standards and instead of allowing kings into our lives, we open the door for clowns and jesters. We keep lowering our standards until we start to doubt our identity, and we find that  with the barest minimum, we are unhappy.

I have come to learn that it is OK to want whatever it is that you want. If you want him to be tall, dark, handsome, and successful, and a good man, you should not apologize for it. Stay true to that, and you will get it! Stop compromising stupidly, and then spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself it was worth it. From experience, I can tell you compromising to a point you can’t handle will only bring you loads of regret. You will ask yourself why you stooped so low, and you’ll always be on the lookout for someone better. What on earth is the point of the relationship in that case?

Stop lowering your standards except you can cope; I love men who are drop-dead gorgeous but it doesn’t hurt me to date a man who’s just good-looking, as long as he’s not an eye sore, and I don’t foresee my children being teased on the school playground. When it comes to drive, ambition, achievements, success, intellectual conversations and emotional maturity, those are non-negotiable! I should probably feel bad for wanting so much, but I don’t, and you shouldn’t too. You’ve worked hard to be where you are; you are still working hard to be where you want to be. Why should you aim lower when you can reach higher? XOXO

Know When to Give Up on ‘Your Man’

Today has been an unproductive day; not only are my sinuses acting up like crazy, I simply feel like doing nothing. Thank goodness for ‘work from home’ days, else I’d probably be at my desk at work sleeping like a dunce. My unproductive day got exciting when I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. With my constant search for opportunities in motivational speaking, I really thought someone was calling to invite me to an event. So you can imagine my surprise when the caller started with “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I’d like you to please stay away from my man’. HUH?! What man? I was thinking ‘who is this?’ Next thing the threats start coming; “If you keep speaking to him, I will embarrass you in public; I’ll show you who I am, I’ll do this and do that, make the clouds descend to earth”… you get the gist. I laughed in response; what else do you do when you’re dealing with yet another disoriented woman with no sense of self-dignity?

I eventually figured out who the guy is; he’s a friend I’ve had for about a couple of years now. we hardly got along at first because he never really said much when he was with me. I found it hard to keep conversations flowing so I just let him be. But recently, we started hanging out, and it turns out he’s been a really fun person to hang out with. We’re cool, we talk, and of course he had told me about his psycho ex, and even asked for my advice. So again, you can imagine my surprise when I get a call from this ex telling me to stay away.

Ladies, first things first, you cannot expect a man to give up his friendships just because he is dating or dated you (I’m yet to know what the true story is here- are they together or not?- a question for the gods). But still, whatever the case may be, get your own life! Get your own friends! For goodness sake, don’t become Janet Bond, trying to eliminate anyone you think might be a threat. It’s an indication that you have way too much time on your hands, and you don’t have any confidence in your relationship.

Know when to give up on ‘your man’, and no those quote marks aren’t just there for the effect. Your man is only your man if he commits to you and doesn’t give you the need to call other women who barely know of your existence. If you have to fight really hard, or call up women to threaten them, all in a bid to save your ‘relationship’, then you have crossed over to the dark side, and you need to reassess your sanity. I always tell my female friends- if you have an issue with your man’s relationship with another woman, talk to him; ask him to deal with it! it is not your place to call women up and tell them how to relate with your man. If he is truly yours, he will draw the necessary boundaries with the source of your worries. If he is not willing to put your mind at ease, then it’s time to save your dignity, respect yourself and walk out the door. Stealing numbers from phones, stalking other women on Facebook, twitter or Instagram, when they don’t even know you exist is evidence the man you are fighting over is not yours, hence the need to eliminate everyone else until he believes he has no choice but to settle for you; which begs the question “would you like him to settle for you because you’re the last option he has, or would you like to be his first choice everyday?”

Threatening other innocent women, and trying to destroy ‘your man’s’ friendship with them will not endear him to you in anyway. If anything at all, it will make him run farther away from you! Not only is it an undignified way of acting, it is clearly a show of low self-esteem. Come hail or storm, I have never had any reason to call my boyfriend’s female friends or even his exes. That’s his stuff to handle. He’s a man, not a toddler. I see no reason to dictate which friendships he should keep! Am I the only one that thinks that’s what normal women should do?

Girl, get your mind right! If you have to fight hard to keep him, he is certainly not yours. No one can steal a man except he’s ready to leave, or has already left! If you have to threaten other women around him, then he’s just not that into you! It’s time to give up! Don’t wait till he has to tattoo it on his forehead that he no longer wants you! Jeez woman, have some self-respect.

In case you are wondering how we left things, she ranted and hung up without hearing anything I had to say; so I sent her a nice text saying she could always come to me for relationship advice. Let’s see if we can get her sanity back on track.

XOXO

Thirsty for love?

Everyone wants to be loved; there is no doubt about that- the most socially awkward people, the stone-hearted boss that wouldn’t care if you get hit by a train as long as she gets her coffee on time, the homeless guy watching as people happily walk past…everyone craves to be loved. And the truth is, many of us are loved- we have family members that may not speak to us everyday but get depressed whenever we are unhappy, friends who like to share our pain and sit next to us, handing us tissues while we cry our eyes out over that relationship that was supposed to lead down the aisle but just didn’t work out….. Many of us are loved but for some reason, we are willing to forget that all for the sake of an underserving partner

Yes, I know you are thinking what the angle to this post is. What are you waiting for? Read on!

During a discussion with a group of friends, I got infuriated (to put it lightly) about how everyone was lamenting about the one guy that took them to the highest mountain, showed them the world and in an instant pushed them down with a grin on his face. Phrases like “He didn’t always treat me right but when he did…” “I knew he was horrible but I just had to make it work….” “You can’t choose how you act when you are in love..” *YAWN* Wake me up when the melodrama is over.

Why do women act like they have no roots? I mean seriously, why do we go into relationships with someone that is not an inch deserving of us and we hold on tight like if he walks out the door, the black cloak of death will suddenly be over us and our souls will be sailing in the sea of lost hearts? While my friends wemt on and on about how they just want to be loved by this guy, I watched “Come dine with me” and had an amazing laugh. Needless to say I was not going to join the pathetic love pity party. Why? I know where I come from and the calibre of people that value me.

That was my question to them when ‘Come dine with me’ unfortunately ended. “Do you have family?” “Do you have friends?” “Do you get showered, sprayed, sprinkled, soaked and even submerged by the love these people have to show you? ALL answers were affirmative and that led to my next question “Then why do you let some guy with the emotional maturity range of a teaspoon drag you through the mud, kick you into the ground and still have you chasing after him like he holds the air you’re breathing?”

I’d never understand why we do that. I’m not judging; I’ve also done all that before but one day I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror, I noticed how beautiful God made me, I looked at my phone records- my family members call me almost everyday to check on me, fill me in on what’s happening at home and simply just tell me they miss me and would love to have me home for the holidays. I thought about my many friends that encouraged me when the walls of life closed in on me and through prayers and motivation, we pushed the walls apart so I could breathe easy. I even thought of my church members that had compliments for or just a reassuring hug after the service and the many “God bless you” “Have a super dupa week” and “Drive safe” statements that accompanied warm goodbyes and then it hit me. I was worth more to many others but I chose to stick with the one person that didn’t care about the fact that I was a rare gem. I chose to be with someone that did not hesitate to use derogatory words all in the name of anger, someone who could not even introduce me as the girl in his life but rather I was a ‘friend’, someone who probably wouldn’t have cared if I started dating someone else, someone who simply did not care, period!

It’s time to stop all that thirst! It’s self-created and not healthy. When you project a ‘thirsty for love’ outlook, it is only normal that an undeserving guy will perceive himself as your saviour and end up treating you like a piece of rag. There are many people out there who love you; key into that love and stop chasing after one person who does not care! xoxo

Do You HaveThe Saviour Syndrome?

When i was younger and mills and boons novels were the in-thing, I read a zillion of them; I was fascinated by many ways in which the men played ‘saviour’. In case you are unfamiliar with mills and boons novels, they usually start off with a heroine character- one that’s confident, knows what she wants from life and is out to get it; she’s probably  a hurt heroine who has made a vow never to love again until a strong man comes and saves her from that pit of loveless-ness. In my imagination, the summaries of the stories looked something like this

Image

romantic enough to make any young girl wish her real life could be that of a heroine and a hero could come sweep her off her feet, right? How times have changed! *sigh*.

These days, many women are caught up in what I call the saviour syndrome web and they don’t even know it!. You may wonder…what on earth is she on about today? You’ll figure it out after you have answered these questions

  • Do you find yourself attracted to men that are caught up in a relationship with the ‘wrong girl’ or are heartbroken from being in a relationship with the ‘wrong girl’?
  • Do you often find yourself attracted to men who you have to look after with no chances of those gestures being reciprocated?
  • Are you often in relationships where the financial burden of the relationship rests on you and you don’t mind it at all?
  • Do you find yourself resisting men that are in a better position to care for you and look after you simply because you are afraid they might control you?
  • Need I ask anymore questions before you get the point? That you like to play saviour and it is so damn unhealthy?

I don’t know if it’s the feminist in most women that have them confused or if they were programmed in Mars and not venus,but i know for sure that playing saviour is fast becoming a part of women today! We play saviour in many ways, some of which make me laugh till tears roll down my eyes. One common saviour role we like to take is the “I can change him” role. Dear sister, wake up and smell the bullshit stink emanating from him. If a man acts recklessly with his life, why on earth do you think you can change him? Yeah, I know there are those “we went to church together and he gave his life to Christ” incidents but honey, that doesn’t mean you changed him! God changed him! We don’t have the power to change men; like really, that statement goes alongside the likes of “He doesn’t know what he wants in a woman, I’ll help him figure it out” or “he’s so heartbroken, I’ll help him heal”….*clearing my throat*…………at whose expense?

what happens most of the time is that we women play saviour to men who couldn’t care less if they grew a tail and two additional arms; we put in all our effort to save these men ‘from themselves’ and in the process of playing saviour, we abandon our lives as they were and adorn ourselves with motherly, sisterly and ‘lover-ly’ robes to save men that are not even clear as to whether they intend to invest in us. Sad, isn’t it?

I once happened to overhear a conversation between two ladies while I was waiting for a smoothie at a restaurant; one of the ladies was defending herself as not being a gold-digger, hence the reason she only dates men she can help out financially. I think my jaw dropped, I can’t remember but i do remember walking back to my office, wondering “What?!” Why would any woman want to always play financial saviour to a man who has not even hinted at wanting to be by her side forever? The picture in my head is something like this:

Image

Am I the only one that thinks that is a very odd picture? Ladies wake up!!! You can’t save a man! When a man says “I just don’t know what I want in a woman”, it’s an euphemism for “you don’t have what I want in a woman” because belive me, if you have what he wants or even half of what he wants, he would not be uttering that statement to you. Don’t hang around hoping he’ll  wake up one morning and magically realize you are the one. Don’t put your love life on hold for someone that knows for sure that you are not what he wants in a woman! Stop hanging around, trying to heal the broken hearted man with the hope that he will fall in love with you and you will live happily ever after. Don’t get me wrong, you can be his friend (if you are strong enough to control your emotions) but make sure you give him room to mourn the relationship he just lost. Failure to do this and you risk being the rebound chic.

Funny how we women fall everytime we try to play saviour; we fall into despair, heartbreak, the “I’m unlovable” pit and every other heart-wrenching ditch you can think of. The reason is simple; it’s not our duty to play saviour to any man! xoxo

Five types of men women should avoid

It is very important for single women to be able to discern the kinds of men around them in order to know where to draw the line. Some women get caught unawares because they don’t know the kind of guy they are dealing with until he pulls a weird stunt on them. I did some research from my experience archives and from those of my friends and I have made a list of five types of men you should not take seriously.

  • The jumper: This is a man who meets you today and ten minutes into the conversation, tells you he is madly in love with you. While that may sound romantic in hollywood movies, it is super-creepy in real life. The jumper doesn’t understand boundaries; he doesn’t understand the lines between acquaintance, friend, boyfriend and fiance. No matter what you tell him to put him off, he keeps blurring the lines and gets upset when you don’t reciprocate. he doesn’t give you time to even get to know his last name. If he has your number, he will send you all the love poems in the world 24 hours after meeting you. Beware, the jumper is after something and ‘something could be anything perhaps even an idiotic urge to satisfy his ego. RUN from this man! He can go from romantic to aggressive in the twinkle of an eye. and he has great tendencies to be a stalker. *singing… I got a feeling, somebody’s watching me*
  • The public avoider: This is a man who NEVER wants to go on a date! The excuse “babe, I am just an indoor type of person” is right at the tip of his tongue. The public avoider can spend hours indoors with you but none of his friends will know where he is; if your friends call you to say they are coming to hang out, your public avoider will quickly come up with an excuse about the ghastly accident his cat had and vanish into thin air. Any attempt to get him to meet you for breakfast or a milkshake will be met with a long explanation about how busy he is followed by him crawling into his shell for weeks. Ladies, he simply wants to hit and run. Once he gets the cookie out of the jar, you’ll never see a strand of his hair or his toe nail at your doorstep again….well, until he gets bored.
  • The under-achiever: This is a man who is content with sitting back while you break your back. He is the kind of guy that will tell you all about his potential but will never get started on achieving his goals. I know it is very common for people to say “Go for a guy that has potential.” Forgive me, potential is not enough! he has to take steps to make things happen. Everyone in the world has potential. Every single person! It’s our actions that differentiate us. Don’t waste your time listening to how he can become the next David Guetta, the next Michael Jordan or Donald Trump. Make sure he is showing you that he is already going about it. Don’t walk into the ‘potential’ trap. Beware, the under-achiever may first start out as a jumper!
  • The over-achiever: Too much of everything is bad, and that goes for ambition too. the over-achiever is mostly an annoying man so you probably won’t like him but just in case, here’s what he is like. He never lets things go even when they are trivial. He wants you to act a certain way, dress a certain way, have a certain kind of personality…forget about your heaven-given personality, the over-achiever needs you to fit in with all his trophies because that’s all you are to him- another achievement. The over achiever is also sel-absorbed, if you are ready to get in line with his routine, lady, you can walk and talk at the same time! Note that he also has features of ‘the owner’.
  • The Owner: The owner is someone I have met many times and given my slightly stubborn nature, he had to run away from me! *big grin* The owner is usually mistaken to be sweet and jealous in a ‘loving’ way and it takes some time for women to realize that the owner is a sick man who hates to lose control over anything…including you. He is possessive and the type that will ask to speak to your friends if you tell him you’re hanging out just to make sure they are female friends. He is the type that asks you to move in after dating for two weeks! It’s not because he is madly in love with you, it’s because he wants to keep an eye on you! The owner doesn’t give you space, nor does he give you the freedom to do what you want. As your owner, when he says “sit!” you better do it with your tail wagging.
Be careful out there ladies.
This post is also published on http://www.covenantrelationships.org check out many exciting posts on that blog by yours truly!
xoxo!

He wants to cheat… should you join him?

Cheating is fast becoming a norm! As a matter of fact, many women accept it as a relationship factor alongside other factors like giving, going on dates, emotional support etc. Many women are willing to join what I can only describe as a harem because they’d rather share their man openly than have a ‘cheating’ boyfriend. I really should applaud men that are able to convince women to become part of such; it really has to be the women who need psychological re-programming because I refuse to believe a man can force you to become part of his crew of power puff girls except you’re willing.

There’s something that tingles in a good way, in a girl’s heart when a man in a relationship (not necessarily married) approaches her and offers a relationship. Yes, he’s offering her a relationship as a side dish but still, something about the admiration he has for her excites her and most of the time, it’s not necessarily because she wants to cheat, it’s because she feels like the winner of a competition that’s not even happening.

“Men are competitive beings because of testosterone” Men do not compete with each other everyday at work in order to get a compliment from everyone (at least straight men don’t). Men are hardly secretly resenting each other because well, Tom has a BMW and Dave still has to make do with a Toyota tazz. Whoever said men are competitive because of testosterone clearly did not do a lot of research on oestrogen! Men compete when there’s a defined competition on the table. We women? We can do it all year long – every hour of the day, every day of the week, every week of the month…you get the gist. We compete over everything even though we don’t like to admit it. It gets worse when an alpha female joins the office – she looks good, smells good, has firm thighs, no signs of cellulite or stretch marks… And it’s that same spirit that we take into cheating.

When a man wants to cheat and approaches us, we feel flattered and think to ourselves “I’m better than his partner”. Some of us quickly remember to tell ourselves “I’m way better than being any man’s spare wheel that he can turn to when the ‘main’ wheel is flat while the rest of us feed the “I’m better than his partner” notion until we reach a point of no return…. A point where he’s giving excuses about how leaving his partner would break her heart, afterall she was with him when he had nothing; a point where he’s becoming irritated whenever he sees your number calling and he starts yelling, or a point where, after squeezing all he can get out of you (fun, a shoulder to cry on, support, help with a project, sex etc) he starts acting cold and disconnected from you and you’re left to wonder and question every conversation you had with him just to try to figure out where things went wrong.

Men usually cheat because they’re missing something in their relationship and don’t have the patience to wait for their partner to give it to them; they are big toddlers, even though they refuse to admit it; and sometimes, they cheat because they can. It doesn’t matter if they have supermodel partners or the woman with the highest IQ lying next to them everyday, or even the most supportive girlfriend anyone can think of…they cheat.

As a woman, you should not be the spare wheel he turns to when he’s bored in his relationship. You should not be the girl who has to leave the room first and he leaves 20 minutes later simply because he doesn’t want people to see you together. You shouldn’t be the one he takes to dinghy hotel rooms to hide the affair and he even asks you to use your name for reservations because well, girlfriend can’t trace your name, she doesn’t know who you are. Truth be told, most times she doesn’t know you exist! Not because she’s an idiot as he would have you believe but because he’s the most loving man on earth when he’s with her. I know when married men want to cheat, many of them say “We don’t even have sex anymore”, appealing to the compassionate woman in you, yet, four months down the line, you see the wife with a bulging belly that says “baby on the way”. How on earth did that happen?!

Don’t play his game. It feels good to be flattered; when you’ve been single for a long time, it feels great for someone to approach you and tell you how wonderful you are, even if he’s already hooked but don’t feed the “I’m better than his partner” notion till you find yourself in a place you can’t understand.

I know some of you would argue that you actually found love that way; it happens! He could have made a wrong decision and realised it after meeting you. Sometimes, you meet a man in a relationship and he realises you’re what he has been looking for all this while. In that case, that man will go out of his way to show you that you mean everything, including putting the other woman out of her misery and not making you his main wheel, but his only wheel. When you break down, he’ll be with you because he has no spare, when you’re pumped up again, the ride continues.