Why You’re Likely to Stay in a Bad Relationship

Have you ever wondered what the chances are that you’d stay in a bad relationship? Probably not. I never gave it much thought myself until I read an interesting article about how we as humans are likely to view investments. I can’t remember where I read the article or who the author was but I remember something stuck out to me about the way that he/she explained a person’s disposition to investments using the following scenario:

Let’s assume you go to the cinema to watch a movie. After scanning through available options, you settle on the one you think would be interesting. You pay for your ticket, grab your popcorn and head to the hall excitedly. A few minutes into the movie, you realize that it’s not along the lines of anything you like or it’s just really boring. What would you do?

There are two possibilities that may immediately come to mind:

  1. To sit through the movie and bear the boredom; afterall, you already paid for it. OR
  2. To leave the cinema hall the moment you realize the movie is not what you hoped it would be, and either pay for another movie that would give you what you need, or go elsewhere to have a good time.

According to the author of that article, most people are likely to choose option 1, i.e sit through a movie they do not like or are not likely to enjoy rather than leave the hall to choose a different movie or go do something else.

This got me thinking about why people stay in bad relationships. Why do people resort to sticking with unhappy relationships, abusive relationships, stuck-and-heading-nowhere relationships? Think about it: there are many people who say “we’ve been together for xx years so we just have to make it work” even though they know that their relationships are filled with bitterness, anger and resentment. There are people who prioritize the duration of their relationships over the quality of it and tend to focus on prolonging the duration rather than improving the quality.

This is because people worry about how much they have invested in a bad decision (in terms of time and money) and become obsessed with making it work. This kind of thinking continuously looks backwards and regurgitates the investments that have been made into the relationship rather than the returns on those investments. It’s a way of life that prevents many people from taking risks and daring to seek new possibilities. It’s a way of life many people have adapted to.

So here’s a challenge for you: Look back on your relationship and ask yourself if you have received returns on your investments? Please bear in mind that these returns should not include children. You do not need to invest your heart in a relationship to get a child so focus on other things like: are you respected? are you treated with love? Do you feel, in spite of the bumpy days that your partner will consistently support and care for you like you do for him/her? Are you confident, in spite of the turbulence you might face that your relationship is headed for a happy ending? That your relationship is filled with substance and not just symbols?

For once, forget about the investments you have made and ask yourself if you are happy in your partnership.

Because the truth is it does not matter how long you have been investng if you have been investing wrongly. It is equivalent to pouring water into a basket but refusing to stop because you have been at it for a very long time. The basket will never fill up and you will never stop pouring. So do what’s good for you.

XOXO

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You Are Good Enough

 Have you been in a relationship where your inadequacies are constantly the focus of criticism and discussion? Are you still in such a relationship? Are you listening to the voices in your head that tell you you have to compete with others to feel good? Are you listening to the voices in your head that constantly tell you you don’t match up to other people? Stop listening!

It does not matter if you have not attained society’s model of success. It does not matter if people are constantly pointing your flaws and your inadequacies. It does not show how little you are, it shows how threatened they are by your potential. Isn’t that a hint that you are already good enough if your potential threatens others without any manifestation of your purpose?

Stop accepting the lies that you are not good enough; stop listening to those who use their attitude or words to propagate these lies. You are good enough just as you are! You are amazing just as you are! You are a beacon of hope and inspiration to many so stop walking with your head bowed, carrying the burden of other people’s lies. The most important opinion is what you think of yourself, and that opinion should always be YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

Nothing is Wrong With You!

You have probably been there a few times; looked into the mirror and asked yourself what it is about you that repulses the opposite sex? Why is it that in spite of all your gracious efforts to make your relationships work, something just sets the whole ball into a downward spiral? You’ve probably sat on your own many times and tried to dissect what you did wrong, and how you could have fixed it, but for some reason, you just can’t find anything substantial that you did wrong. Why then do all your relationships fail? Is there an invisible sign on your forehead that says “available for mistreatment”? What exactly is wrong with you that makes the guys and girls want to take advantage of you? My response? Nothing.
As humans, our self-esteem is tied to a whole lot of things; whether we like to admit it or not, a better-paying job is a boost for our self-esteem; a stable relationship where you are cherished and adored is more than a self-esteem boost, it’s a contribution to personal growth and happiness. It’s a place of comfort where you go when you’ve had a hard day at work, or just feel blue because the sky is grey. It is understandable then that if that place of comfort turns out to be a sham, your self-esteem will take a knock, and you’ll feel low. If you find yourself in such situations successively, then you might start to think you are the problem. This is very common amongst women who have been mistreated, cheated on, abused, taken for granted or even played for fools.
Read and understand this…You are not the problem! There are people who are ill-mannered, care-free about their spouses, and have no respect for their relationship who have the stability that you crave. It is not because of who they are, it is because of who they got. The fact that you haven’t gotten the right person does not mean there’s anything wrong with you. It just means you are going through a learning process to equip you with knowledge and maturity that will make you appreciate the right person.
Instead of dwelling on the endless list of what could be wrong with you, look at it this way: someone saw you, checked you out, saw how happy you were, and how you had everything together, and that person decided to interrupt the flow of your life, turn it upside down, use you for your kindheartedness, take advantage of you, and play you for a fool. Something is wrong with them! Something is wrong with someone who looks at you and decides you need to be broken or lied to. Something is wrong with someone who feels you are too happy on your own, and draws you into a web of lies, deceit and abuse. Something is wrong with the person who decides to hurt you because someone else hurt him or her. Something is wrong with the person who kept reiterating your flaws in a bid to tear you down. Something is wrong with that married man who decides to keep you in emotional bondage by making promises he can’t keep. Something is wrong with that lady who is simply leading you on for sport. Yes, you may have fallen victim, but that is not because you are stupid. It is because your intentions towards others are so pure, you can’t conceive in your mind that anyone would want to treat another human being the way you have been treated.
Stop dwelling on the mistreatment; I know the more it happens, the more frequently it chips away at your self-esteem, and you start to walk around with your head bowed and shoulders drooped, but you have to deliberately fight it! You have to deliberate affirm your identity. Speak positive words to yourself every single day! The fact that someone else could not see your worth does not in any way reduce it. Nothing is wrong with you, so stop believing it. XOXO
This post is also published on covenantrelationships.org by me. To read all my other posts, please like my facebook page by clicking here