Four Types of Good People You Should Not Marry

Everyone wants to marry a good person; I strongly doubt people wake up in the morning and pray to God for an abusive partner who takes them for granted and makes their life hell. Surely, no one asks for that. People want a partner who’s not shy with the loving or stingy with the cherishing. People want a partner who is God-fearing, sweet-natured, understanding, tolerant and mature. And if you find a person who embodies all these traits, you’ve hit the jackpot. However, do you know that you can meet a person who embodies all these traits, yet does not fit into your life?

This post is about the four types of good people you should not bother dating.

#1 The people who are skilled at talking but not skilled at doing: There are many people out there who are amazing and have the core of sweetness embedded in them but they are the most frustrating partners you will ever have. They thrive on talking about what they want to do, and where they want to do. These are the people who dream and speak aboout those dreams more than they actually do anything about them. Provide them with the resources they actually need to get started and you’ll see them pull away, citing a thousand and one excuses as to why they can’t do it ‘just yet’. Spouses like this make relationships unsustainable. They create a lot of hope but you will never see that hope materialize into anything substantial. Instead, you will be faced with a dull reality filled with ambition but zero action.

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Don’t even bother punishing yourself

#2 The people who keep waiting for the dream to work out the exact way they dreamed it: We all have dreams and aspirations. And of course, many of us play things out in our heads and hope that everything works out just the way we planned. But let’s face it! Nothing ever really plays out the way we want. We sometimes find ourselves taking a roundabout route to get to our desired destination. There are many good people out there who will refuse to adapt to circumstances because they are waiting for the dream to play out the way they dreamed it. Offer them a position in Australia, and they will tell you about how their dream is to live in Belgium; hence they cannot accept the position in Australia even if it propels them forward.

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Oh yea? Good luck with that

#3 The people who do not speak or do anything. They are just thankful: I personally feel these are the most frustrating set of good people you will ever meet. These are the people who believe everything is fine just as it is. They are the people who never make any moves, never go after any aspirations (because they don’t have any). They are simply thankful to exist, and are satisfied to remain in one place for the rest of their lives. Even when the opportunity to make a major positive change in their lives presents itself, they cannot be bothered. They are just thankful!

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So gratitude means not aiming higher? 

#4 The people who believe prayer alone is sufficient: It is not a bad thing to pray. I myself am focusing on improving my prayer life, but let us be realistic; praying and sitting still results in nothing. I cannot say I want to take a trip overseas, pray about it, but never buy a ticket or make the necessary arrangements. Sadly, many people, good people, think that prayer is the only way they will be successful. They pray but they never gain an understanding of the times we live in or even gain knowledge that makes them valuable to their communities or society at large. They think it is not a Christian attitude to pursue knowledge, become important or advance in anything in life.

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Certainly joking!

AVOID these good people! Sure they won’t cheat or abuse you but they will put your life at a standstill, and will certainly not push you to achieve your full potential. You might go ahead against the odds they present, but be ready to carry them around as deadweight. To be truly happy, choose a partner who will not hold you back! XOXO

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Here’s Why You’ll Keep Choosing the Wrong Partner

The saddest thing I have ever heard anyone say is “we don’t always marry the ones we love”. First time I heard it, I was taken aback. How do you love a person but go ahead to marry someone else? Is it some kind of calculated strategy to keep your heart from bursting from all the love and happiness you’ll enjoy? Or is this a result of deep-seated issues many people have swept beneath the carpets of their hearts? I did not understand it then, and till now, I am struggling. Why are we accepting that it is OK to marry those we do not love? Why are we accepting that it is OK to punish ourselves, our unloved choices and our loved ones who keep tugging at the strings of our hearts? I may have the answer…

It is becoming clearer to me as the days go by that many people feel they should be with the partners they deserve, and not the partners they love. Some people feel they have had it good so they need to have some form of pain in their lives so they can level with everyone else (crazy I know), and some people really just don’t feel good enough to be with the person their hearts truly yearn for. They keep asking themselves questions like “will I be good enough for her?” “Will I be able to make him happy?” Here’s my question: Can you please stop torturing yourself and just take a step in the actual right direction i.e. towards the person you genuinely love? There are many reasons holding you back but I’ll just share three here. If you would like to know more, please send me a request in the comments section of this post

Reason #1 You think the person you love deserves better: Please if this thought has been residing in your head, it is time to raise the rent and kick it out. I’ll share a secret I have gleaned from conversations with happily married couples – there is no such thing as the partner you deserve. People don’t end up happy together because they deserve each other. People end up happy together because they are willing to become the best they can be for each other. People end up together because they know they are imperfect, and they are willing to bring their strengths an weaknesses to the table, unedited and work together to make each other better. That is why they say love makes you a better person. It’s not because cupid waves a wand at you and says “Abracadabra!” It’s because love makes you decide to be who your partner deserves and even more. Love makes you take action in the right direction not just to make your partner feel good but also to grow into who you are truly meant to be. When you think the person you love deserves better than you, it is your mind indirectly telling you that a.) you are not good enough and b.) even if you tried, you still wouldn’t be good enough. Both of these are lies you should not entertain.

Reason #2 You are worried about who you are and what you have to offer: The reason you can’t make the decision to be with the one you love and be a better  person for him/her is because you are too hung up on what you are not. You’re too busy seeking out your flaws and imperfections to realize someone loves you just as you are. Your obsession with your shortcomings will make you wonder why this person loves you. You will even ask what it is they see in you that makes them feel you are so special, and truly, they will have no answer for you that will be good enough. My advice? Don’t let your shortcomings hold you back from genuine love and happiness. Everyone has shortcomings; you just seem to be looking at yours through a concave mirror while others are using a microscope to view theirs. Sometimes, these shortcomings are actually not existent, and is just your mind’s way of telling you you have not earned the love you are enjoying so you start to seek ways to sabotage it. Shortcomings can evolve into strengths when you let yourself enjoy genuine love, and sometimes, they can fade away and you’ll find yourself saying “I used to be such a douchebag but for some reason I can’t explain, I stopped”… yea love works that way. Stop worrying about what you have to offer and bring yourself to the table. You are more than enough, and the person who genuinely loves you will see that.

livehappy.com

Reason #3 You are used to the status quo – chaos, uncertainty, instability, aimless relationships from the past: You are afraid to choose love because you are secretly yearning for chaos. Love is very stable… yes butterflies might flutter and passion might be fiery but one standard characteristic of love is that it is stable. It feels like home, and for some people, that kind of stability is unnerving. There is a yearning for the drama; a yearning for instability; a yearning for uncertainty. Why? Because that is what you are used to. Perhaps you were raised in an environment where uncertainty ruled the day…where you did not know what to expect whenever you arrived home, and you sort of built your life around that; hence the thought of a stable love that is genuine is just nerve racking and scary. Perhaps all your past relationships have been uncertain and ‘directionless’ and even though you claim you want something different, your mind instinctively keeps yearning for it. My advice: cut yourself loose form the ties of the past by telling yourself constantly that you deserve better. Deliberately choose someone completely different from the kind of people you’ve been with. Deliberately choose someone who feels like home. Deliberately choose someone who is stable and happy. You deserve stability; you deserve genuine love; don’t stress about the anxiety you’ll feel around that stability in the beginning. Just like you learned to build your life around instability, you will be able to build it around this new stability that will make you a better person too.

Do share your thoughts. XOXO

Women were Created for the Pleasure of Men

“Women were created to please men”

This is the general thought many men walk around with even if they refuse to say it out loud (no thanks to female emancipation). This is the thought many women believe hence the urge they have to ensure their relationships work out at all cost. This is the thought society has thrived on – that women are lesser beings whose purpose are only found when they find a man. Just like the life of a Christian is useless if he’s not serving God, the life of a woman amounts to nothing if she has no man to serve. When she does have a man to serve, if she is not doing everything he wants to please him, she is missing the core of her existence- the real reason she was created, the exact calling on her life, the mandate of her destiny.

Women are lesser beings. We were created to get married, listen to the well-laid rules by men, try our possible best to abide by the rules, and then over-compensate when we fail.

I have heard the rules many times from men: “when I get married, my wife has to do my laundry by handwashing”, “When I get married, I expect my meals to be freshly prepared everyday, and the dishes done right after I am done eating”, “when I get married, I expect my wife to wake up every morning, clean the house, pack up my lunch, get the kids ready for school and make sure my shirt is ironed before I am done taking a shower”. Don’t rule out the fact that you may need to change his boxers when he’s too tired to do so himself, and might have to be waiting at the door, drink in hand, ready to greet him after a long day you’ve both had. He is the king of the castle, and you are not the princess he wooed, but the servant he employed. The rules are set; the mandate of the purpose is defined. Your cage is built and your individuality is non-existent

Any woman who dares to question these rules is asked the one question that will set her aback for a moment.

“If you cannot do these things, what are you contributing to the marriage?”

It is hilarious when this question comes up because it appears that the only contributions a woman can make to marriage are those of a domestic nature. If she’s not cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry by handwashing, packing his lunch, and treating him like her adopted grown son, what exactly is she bringing to the table?

You’ve probably realized the sad truth: many men still believe that women have nothing more to give except sex, childbearing and culinary skills. Women cannot contribute financially or intellectually; women are not expected to be successful. But even more shocking is the realization these thoughts have shown about men.

Men are unable to chuck their own clothes in the washing machine, or handwash their own delicates. Men are unable to eat food that has been refrigerated, and are unable to quickly whip something up on their own. It gets even weirder from here on. Men are unable to wash their own dishes after eating, iron their own shirts, or help get the kids ready for school. Men are unable to function on their own, so they get  married to a woman who will do all these things for them, while they continue to ride the false wave of masculinity society keeps feeding them with.

Of course there is nothing wrong with doing the dishes or cooking or any of the other mundane tasks that need to be done around the house. There is however a problem when these tasks are stated as obligations that must be fulfilled by ONLY one party, because the other party believes his partner has nothing else to contribute.

Are we getting married so I can do all your laundry? Or are we getting married because you need a companion you can speak to about issues, make decisions with, build a life with and partner with? Do you understand my brain is functional, and is capable of more than picking which cereal the family should have for breakfast?

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It is a false ideology that women were created to serve men, and if you are a man reading this, it is time to rid yourself of it completely. If you are choosing a spouse solely based on her ability to fulfill mundane tasks you can do yourself (if you’d just get off the couch), then you are setting your relationship up for failure. Not only will she lose her lustre for life because she has been reduced to your expectations, you will get bored for the same reason- she has been reduced to your expectations and there’s nothing exciting about them.

Expect more from your spouse. She was not created to serve you; she was created to partner with you. She is not there to fulfill your every expectation if they do not agree with her; she is there to find common ground with you. She is not there for a king-servant relationship; she is there for a king-queen connection. Your patriarchal expectations and entitlements? Chuck them in the bin. You don’t need them if you want a woman who will give a new zest for life, new courage, new idea, and new grounds to break. You won’t need them if you need a woman who will add value to you just like you add to hers. You won’t need them if you want a woman who knows she has a lot more to contribute to your life than laundry and dishwashing. XOXO. Before you leave, check out Ariel’s “share the load” video below

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Don’t Marry Me Because I’m Nigerian

I can’t count the number of times I’ve met Nigerian men overseas, and when the issue of relationships came up, they talked about how they’ve been emotionally battered and used by women of other nationalities, and are now ready to ‘settle’ for  a Nigerian wife.

The first time I heard it, I was flattered. “Aww! He wants to come back home. Nigerian girls are the best!” but as time went on, I started to wonder if flattery was the right response to such a statement? What makes up a Nigerian wife anyway?

A typical Nigerian wife is respectful; she lets her husband make most of the decisions, does not challenge his authority and always aims to please. She’s the submissive woman who will not move an inch if her husband decides she doesn’t need to earn her own money or study further…. Well that is the image of the typical Nigerian wife. I daresay my Nigerian sisters of the 21st century will march on in the direction of their dreams. I digress, back to the issue at hand.

Many men have lamented about the need for this ‘Nigerian wife’- the one who will show them the respect they believe they deserve and treat them like the kings they think they are. When they approach a woman, they expect that this statement should be adequate to win her over “I’ve been looking for a Nigerian wife, so I’m so glad I met you.” Are they meaning to say the only criterion on their list is she must be Nigerian? What about her personality, her dreams, her values, her moral code? Is it enough to accept a man who just wants me because I’m Nigerian and nothing more? Hell no!

I find that many men make that mistake overseas. They pick any available Nigerian girl as their partner simply because she’s Nigerian, and then begin to complain bitterly because her attitude does not automatically fit the image of the Nigerian wife. I’ve met Nigerian men who have been utterly disappointed by the fact that my dinner of choice is sometimes a chicken wrap instead of the good old eba and ila alasepo (Okra soup made with all kinds of meats and fish). I’ve met Nigerian men who just couldn’t wrap their minds around the fact that my weekend activity of choice is stretching on my sofa, reading a good book, or watching an old movie I’ve seen a thousand times, just because I don’t feel like doing anything and cannot be bothered. Weekend cooking? The Pizza and Chinese restaurants deliver! And of course there are those Nigerian men who get the shock of their lives when they visit hoping I’ve made a scrumptious dinner to impress them, only to find me dressed up, ready to go eat out with them. And even more interesting are those who get surprised when I visit them, and I don’t rush to help with the dishes or collect the broom when they are sweeping. LOL! Seriously, they exist! I’ve met them!

But I’m Nigerian, isn’t that what they were looking for?

Please, my Nigerian brothers, biko stop looking for a Nigerian wife, look for a woman who makes your heart dance and makes you feel young at heart when you’re with her. Nationality counts for nothing. That I was born in Nigeria does not mean I will become the typical Nigerian wife; and I honestly don’t want anyone to marry me because I am Nigerian. Date me because you love my personality because you understand my values and because you believe I can add value to your life as you add value to mine. My nationality should not be the deciding factor! That I’m Nigerian does not mean I will not challenge some of your decisions or try to make you see things from my own point of view. That I’m Nigerian does not mean you can tell me to sit quietly and I will listen. Those were the Nigerian women of ages past! The Nigerian women of today will laugh out loud, put on their heels and leave. Shikena! End of story.

So please, don’t come to me and tell me about how you’ve been looking for a Nigerian wife all this while. It would seem to me that you want my nationality more than my personality and that to me just does not make sense. If you cannot love me with zero expectations of what you think my nationality should have instilled in me, please leave me single. Don’t even bother trying to tell me those expectations. I cannot mould myself to meet the expectations of every Nigerian guy I meet.

I am very aware after reading this many more Nigerian men will run away from a rebellious girl like me. Issorai! I am who I am and I’m happy with myself. If you cannot love me for me, leave me. Don’t marry me because you expect me to be the ‘Nigerian wife’ you want.

XOXO

EDIT: By the way, No Nigerian girl should feel flattered by a man who has wasted the best part of his years chasing after undeserving women, only to decide he wants a Nigerian woman now that’s he old and tired!

The New Marriage of Convenience

Let’s face one simple truth: Many married couples in this 21st century generation do not love each other

A marriage of convenience has always been a measure taken by the individuals involved to avoid the development of unpleasant situations or strengthen certain family ties. Of course, most of these marriages hit the rocks even before the voyage begins, however the ‘convenience’ keeps them together, making them appear strong and formidable. These days, the cracks are more visible; (thank goodness for social media, how else will we know whose husband refused to add her on facebook?)

Do you remember that thing called love? The one that gives you butterflies in your tummy and makes you giddy with happiness when you see your spouse? Yeah, that factor is becoming extinct.

Age is fast becoming a deciding factor where marriage is concerned. The older you get, whether you are male or female, the harder it is for you to sit around and tell people you are waiting for someone you love. Love? Hello? Mr. X is a good, tall and handsome tongues-speaking usher, and Miss Z wears knee-length skirts, has no bad friends and sings in the choir. What more could you be looking for? With society hammering all these good qualities of Mr. X and Miss Z in your head, you subconsciously start to settle for the new idea of convenience rather than love. In other words, these days, the preaching of a person’s good character is enough to rope an unsuspecting party into a marriage of convenience. I have fallen prey to these conversations, and three weeks into the relationship, I extracted myself and hit the reset button. Yes, he was a very good guy, he spoke in tongues and he was an usher in church but that was by no means enough to overshadow the fact that I felt absolutely nothing.

“That he or she is a good person, does not mean the relationship or marriage will be successful”

Of course, sermons of a person’s great character are not the only openings for a marriage of convenience. Many of us get roped in by the idea of marriage being an achievement we must attain by a certain age, lest the world ask us what we have been doing with our lives. The basic factor of attraction is all we need to seal the deal but we forget that attraction wears off, while love sticks like glue. I’ve heard men say about their brides-to be “she’s not wow! But she’s not bad looking either”, “she’s a good woman, with a good job, what more could I possibly need?” and of course there is a lot of this reiterated on the female end of things: “He loves me a lot so I’ll manage. The koko na to marry”, “How many women can boast of a guy who does everything to please them? I don’t really fancy him but he wants to kill himself for me, biko na husband material be that! What more could a girl want?” Yes, what more could a person possibly need besides a non-robotic marriage, passion with your spouse, the willingness of both parties to make sacrifices and compromises, and the need to feel loved everyday?

No wonder many eyes wander after marriage, and lots of feet are found where they shouldn’t be. No wonder it becomes a boring old routine after a while! No wonder some people who are married tend to look unhappy compared to their single counterparts. In the words of a woman who has been married for 10 years, “I felt since he loved me more than I loved him, our marriage will survive. Now I met someone who I genuinely love at work, and I’m scared to leave it all behind.” This is the story of many married folks- wondering why on earth they chose to walk down the aisle in the first place. No wonder some of them cry at their weddings! It is not necessarily about affection, more like “why on earth am I standing here?

We end up in marriages of convenience because we tend to consider availability, rather than compatibility. Men are more prone to this error, as they tend to settle for the closest female when they feel they have reached marriageable age, and ought to catch up with their colleagues.

“The new marriage of convenience is simply about people who are itching to seal the deal, with anyone even if they hardly know or love that person!”

The new marriage of convenience strengthens nothing and no one. Both parties end up exhausted, leading separate lives under the same roof and having coitus just to wade off the winter cold, or simply satisfy chemical alterations in the brain that tell them “YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX”. The new marriage of convenience ends up with battered couples who tell you “marriage is so much work; I miss being single”. I thought the whole point of marriage was to find someone who will not make you feel like being single again? I may be wrong…what do I know?

I am not a fan of this new wave of ‘convenient marriages’. I find it creepy when a man well into his thirties meets me and starts proposing marriage five minutes later (Yeah, men get desperate too! The life of a spinster is more flowery than that of a bachelor in some ways). I find it weird when people get married but are unwilling to make sacrifices for their spouse or even give their spouse any form of support. I detest it when marriage seems like nothing more than a job description with duties and expectations outlined in an invisible contract that is often used to assess the efforts of a spouse.

I may sound like a helpless romantic but I believe love should be a key factor, and I’m not talking about the friendship type of love, or platonic love as you may call it (don’t get me started on that ‘marry your best friend’ sermon). Being friends is not enough; you should have the ‘hots’ for each other in a very passionate kind of way, because after being all friendly, kind and sweet, you need to have crazy sex and enjoy it with the person you marry. If you are not having sex, you might as well start plotting your exit strategy (not a fan of divorce, just saying).

“There are way too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them”

Do You Have a Partner for Life?

Reading time: 5 minutes

I am probably the biggest fan of the Amazing Race; it’s one show I NEVER miss. It doesn’t matter which continent I may find myself, trust me to either stream the episode online or hunt down the channel that shows it. Last night, I was seated on the couch, waiting for the final episode of the Amazing Race Australia. My heart threatened to fall out out of my chest, because it beat so fast, you’d have sworn a relative of mine was on the show. I was excited and couldn’t wait to see which team made it to the finish line first. Of course I had my favorites but at that point, three out of eleven teams remained and it all boiled down to a formidable partnership.

My favorite team so far! Yay! for girl power! [photo culled from http://www.news.com.au]

For clarification purposes, the amazing race is literally a race around the world. As an entrant, you are expected to choose a teammate. During the course of the race, you will be subjected to tasks that put you under pressure, tasks that test your skills both individually and as a team, and tasks that test your relationship. Of course, completing each task requires excellent communication, acknowledgement ad appreciation. Husbands get frustrated with wives that can’t keep up, and wives get mad at husbands who can’t read maps (you know, because men are just bad at reading maps). But here’s an epiphany I had: You cannot complete the race if you have a partner that gives up!

I realized after watching the finale for Amazing Race Australia season 1yesterday, that marriage, courtship, relationships…whatever stage you may be is just like the amazing race. You are a participant in the show and you have to choose a partner. Of course, many people choose their spouse; it only makes logical sense to do so. However, when the pressure builds, they start to crack, and you really start to hear what they think of their spouses. They get angry, they yell and they fight! And all of that is normal…except giving up should never be a choice!

Dave and Rachel won eight legs of the race, and eventually won the final leg

to become season winners [photo culled from cbs.com]

This show made me ponder…how many people in relationships have a partner for life? Like really, do you have a partner who’s there to stick with you through thick and thin? Like the amazing race, relationships have their moments. There are times when you win because the tasks or problems at hand can be easily resolved by both of you. But what happens when you fail your partner because the task was just not to your strengths or skills? How does it all end? Does your partner bail on you, or does he encourage you to try harder, without being the least bit condescending? Relationships are sometimes tough, and they can be emotional roller coasters every now and then. It is important to choose a partner who will stand by you. A loyal partner will always be there for you, uplifting you, talking you through fear when you have to walk on a tight rope, and holding your hand through a difficult task.

Many of us do not have life partners; we have partners that are simply good for the moment we’re in; partners who threaten to break up after every petty quarrel, partners who get scared because things are moving too fast because really they never planned for things to get that far, partners who are constantly on the lookout for a better person- they expect you to play your role while they have other people auditioning for it, partners who are simply with us for what we have to offer, and once we hit a little bump in life, they wave goodbye and move on to someone else. These are the partners many of us have settled for, hoping that they won’t bail, when really we know in the depths of our hearts that they can barely wait!

It’s time to be honest with yourself! Before you choose a partner, think about it like you are going to the amazing race, except you’ll be running this race forever. You will face difficulties along the way, you’ll have successes to celebrate too. You will face tasks you can’t figure out quickly enough, you will get irritated with each other, you may even scream and fight because the other person just doesn’t see everything the way you do, but the important thing is even at the peak of your anger and frustration, your partner genuinely cares and is willing to work with you till the very end.

Uchenna and Joyce won season 7 of the race. Joyce cut her hair becauseshe was told it will bring her and her husband good luck! [photo culled from amazingrace.wikia.com]

Understand very clearly that the essence of the race is not to win your partner, but rather to win with your partner, so you need to ask yourself if your choice of a partner is someone who wants to work with you, or win against you. If during the course of this amazing race called a relationship, all your partner wants to do is outshine you for the sake of the cameras, then you do not have a partner for life. A partner who intends to be with you for life will uplift you and celebrate you when you’ve done a great job! That same partner will encourage you when you’re struggling and will understand when you fail, that you are not perfect.

Do not settle for a partner who is standing by the door, waiting to bail on you. The best teams I’ve seen on the amazing race are the teams who understood the importance of working together against all odds, apologizing after they did wrong and did not let the thought of giving up on each other cross their minds! So again, I ask you, do you have a partner for life? XOXO.

P.S: I wonder when the amazing race is coming to South Africa. I so want to take part, although I’m left with the tricky issue of who to go with #SingleGirlProblems! *sigh! I may just move to Australia or the US!

Lies Single Women Tell Themselves

Single women lie to themselves- that is not news. Married women lie to single women- Oh! Are you surprised?! Sometimes, people feed us with information to sway our desires and decisions to suit the lifestyles they already live…. I will address this in a later post.

Today, I was working on my book when this topic came to mind- lies we single women tell ourselves and the lies society has made us believe. These are the lies that mostly influence our relationship decisions and lead to so many of us living unhappy discontent lives by the time we are 40, married with three kids and worried about the bank coming to repossess the house.

#1 The ‘Display Your Personal Assets’ lie: These days, the belief of this lie is conspicuous in the way women carry themselves. some of us call it the effects of modernization while I just call it selling yourself cheap; whatever the case, we can all agree that this is one lie that hurts us women today even though we struggle to accept it. In case you are still wondering what this is about, I am referring to the new dress code women have adopted- boobs hanging out, legs and half of our butts exposed…then we go on dates and claim we want a man who is after God’s heart. How exactly will that work? This dress code stems from the belief that men want a woman who is sexy and is not afraid to display it. Afterall, these are the kinds of women getting married these days- no doubt but the question is what kind of man are they married to? Is that the kind of man you would like to marry? Can any man take you serious when the whole world can see your nipples and your butt hanging out on a date? The truth is this: Men like excitement and thrill but once they are done with the treat, they throw the lady in a ‘tool box’ of tools they will only open when they feel like it and she may not even be the tool of choice. Let a man see you for what is in your head and your heart, not what should be hidden beneath your clothes.  Displaying your assets will not attract men, it will attract dogs that are simply hungry for a piece of meat. When the meat is all chowed up, be sure some more dogs will come for the bones, until there is no evidence left of the meat…well, besides some cartilage pieces.

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#2 Poverty breeds good behaviour: LIE LIE LIE!!!! i don’t know where this came from but it really bothers me. These days, when a wealthy couple’s marriage end in divorce, many people are lined up and ready to point out that money i snot everything, it doesn’t bring happiness and bla bla.And living in a shack does? Ladies please!!!! Many of our married friends that married down are quick to point out how rosy things are for them but the truth they don’t tell you is how bent their backs are from carrying the dead weight of their husbands.Many women believe when a man has nothing, he is automatically a good person, while a financially stable man has a higher chance of being abusive and unavailable in marriage, hence women date down. Stop lying to yourself. That philosophy does not hold. If a man has nothing, that is dangerous to you, not just financially but emotionally too! Are you aware of what he might become when he starts to make it? I always say that you know a man when he has power and money by the way he treats himself, those below him and those around him. You can’t know anything about a man who is on the floor! If you ask him to lick your ass, he will because he doesn’t have any status to refuse! I’m not saying some poor men are not good but being poor is not the prerequisite for good behaviour. Hint: always aspire for a man who is on the same level as you are or higher! Dating down is self-crime!Image

For more on this, check out my post on gold digging here–>  https://ladydacreme.wordpress.com/2013/10/25/be-a-gold-digger/

#3 Potential Is All I Need to See: This one cracks me up; I am sure you are surprised because this is a statement that is very common amongst single women. Everyone talks about potential, potential and more potential. Lady, EVERY LIVING BEING HAS POTENTIAL! As long as a person is alive and breathing, he has the potential to turn his life in any direction, a drug addict has the potential to change, a child that is terrible at maths has the potential to become better….with practice. In other words, POTENTIAL IS NOT ENOUGH! Action is what you need to see. I have the potential to become a best-selling author in a year or two but I don’t see that happening if i laze around on the couch all day and do nothing. I can write a whole book but it’s not going anyway if I don’t get an agent, a publisher or the whole nine yards. Potential just won’t do! You need to see him in action, making changes in his life and striving to make sure life is better for both of you. Many women are in the potential trap, growing grey hairs, don’t be one of them!

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#4 Men will be intimidated If I’m Intelligent: Yea…this is one many of us that have dared to venture into the world of postgraduate studies face. Our mothers even get scared for us..”You are pursuing a PhD? Where will you find a man?” Oh well! *shrug*… I should do a post on lies our mothers told us. Anyway, back to the point; if a man is intimidated by your achievements, he is not the man for you. An oppressed man expresses himself in different ways- he is either a wimp or a monster. The ‘wimpy’ ones are willing to lick your feet, unable to take a decision about their own lives and will nicely sit around like lap dogs until you throw them a ball to fetch. The monsters on the other hand want you to know who wears the pants in the relationship and will not miss an opportunity to talk you down or tell you how unnecessary it is for you to tell his friends what your research is about. No….they want you to sit quietly like a lap dog until they tell you to fetch, get it? They attempt to break you until you become a wimp. Sadly, many well-achieved women are attracted to the monsters because they believe that is the best bet they have, and that is certainly better than having a man that is a wimp. Wrong! None of them would do. Don’t dumb yourself down for any man and really, you don’t need to carry your achievements on your shoulders like honorary badges. Be yourself, go on dates, have fun, enjoy your life, enjoy it when a worthy man chases you and let him know you can be caught (give him a bit of a hard time, it’s just fun that way *evil grin*), but whatever you do, don’t accept that you can’t find a man because you are smart. No! The truth is, you can’t find an idiot because you are smart; he will simply faint from the aroma of your intelligence, and yeah…that’s the way it should be! 😉

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XOXO