This is Why Many Christian Women Accept Abuse

I started writing this post about four years ago, and for some reason, I did not finish it. It was a very angry post, written with a lot of emotions that would have caused you all to wonder if my page was hacked.

Since I have decided to finish all the posts I saved as draft in honor of forgotten dreams during the month of August, here goes:

 You may not like the tone of this post but I will simply come out and say it: the abuse many women suffer in relationships is often a result of ill-conceived notions others have projected on to them. Notions that have come from the realities of others, which are now projected as facts rather than the isolated experiences they are. Notions that lead them to believe there is nothing better out there, notions that continually impress on their minds that abuse is a normal way of life, and no one is free from it. Yes sure, there are self-esteem issues to consider and parental patterns that have been imprinted from childhood, but in this post, let’s first discuss the impact other women have on the movement of abuse.

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There are many women in the world, in this age of enlightenment who indeed believe that abuse is a normal way of life. There are many women who spread notions such as “all men cheat”, “a man can still love you and cheat”, and “learn to avoid speaking up so he does not abuse you.” There are many Christian women who stand in places of influence and indirectly support the abuse of their fellow women.

I remember watching a video where a woman had asked a panel of Christian women for advice concerning her marriage where she was the breadwinner and was abused everyday by a husband who was in a drunken state most of the time. One of the female panelists started by asking her if she was watching what she was saying to her husband, because you know, “speaking to him disrespectfully could provoke his anger.” HUH???!!! A woman had just said in the full view of a gathering of women that she was getting hit everyday by her husband and the first point was to address her manner of speaking (via speculation) and proceed to advise her to watch war room and find an older Christian woman to mentor her. I closed the video thinking if that is what young Christian women will get from being mentored by older Christian women, they are better off taking advice from magazines.

I tried to imagine the impact the position of this woman on the panel had on many women who were in abusive relationships and present in that gathering.

It’s probably my fault

I should do better

A wise woman builds her home. I need to stay so the world does not consider me foolish

I came to the conclusion that the reason many women accept abuse is not necessarily because they don’t have the strength to leave. It is not because they can’t find their feet afterward.

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It is because society and the church make it seem as though leaving an abusive relationship is a crime. Many Christian women are quick to spring up and say “God hates divorce” but would not speak up to proclaim that the same God wants his children to be loved and treated with dignity and respect. Many Christian women march in favour of blind submission where their counterparts are exploited and humiliated over and over again. Many Christian women… wait for it… believe indeed that abuse is NORMAL; so normal, that they do not even call it abuse anymore. They call it the authority of the husband, the right of the husband to correct his wife… They say things like “all men cheat. It is just the grace of God that protects us from diseases” (I kid you not, someone said this to me).

They consider women who leave abusive situations as rebellious women who are undeserving of support and love. “If she needs help, she should go back to her husband”, they say. WOW… No wonder the tales that touch mostly come from the church (I am not referring to any church in particular).

The culture of silence is one many Christian women still seek to protect. The art of appearing ‘picture perfect’ has indeed been perfected so much that any woman who seeks to break the code of conduct by speaking up is seen as a wave that must be silenced, else other women follow her lead. The culture of victim blaming is prevalent. In a bid to appear pious, fellow Christian women will convict an abused sister for her lack of tolerance but will not stand up to the man who broke her spirit.

So of course, many Christian women accept abuse. They put on their lipstick and foundation, position their hats at the perfect angle and flash the smile that has fooled many into believing their idyllic lies. They quieten their hearts before they head out to church with their everyday mantra:

“God sees what I am going through. My reward is in heaven”.



Why That Fire-Spitting, Demon-Chasing Christian brother is just NOT RIGHT for you

Whenever christian women get the question “What kind of guy would you like?”, the first response is “he must be christian” and other qualities such as tall, handsome, financially well-to-do and bla bla follow. Of course, if you are asking someone who is scared to show she is interested in something ‘worldly’ like money, you get the “As long as he is Christian, I’m fine! I don’t care if he is a pauper or a hobo” Who are you kidding?

I have seen and heard from many women who found their christian man; they dressed the right way, spoke the right bible verses at the right time, acted the right way and of course looked in the right place- the church. Where else would you find a man that is able to spit fire when he speaks in tongues and have demons running at 400km/h? Many of these marriages are successful while some are camouflages- presented in a certain way to fool the public; it would be a big shame if people discovered what went on behind closed doors! Whatever the case, many women married to their dream Christian men try to spur their friends in the same direction. It may look attractive but is that choice really for you?

There are many reasons I would not date a fire-spitting brother and no it’s not because I have been carried away on a wave of worldly emotions or in love with ‘bad boys’. On the contrary, it’s because there are many qualities most christian brothers have that would simply make me jump off a cliff WILLINGLY.

  • He’s too judgemental: Many Christian men have taken the role of Christ upon themselves; they want to judge every friend you have, every move you make and everything you say. Don’t you dare mention you have a past, he’ll run out the door and share your past with his prayer group, in a bid to ‘pray for you’ while he keeps his distance from the Jezebel trying to come to Christ. I see many brothers raising their eyebrows at ladies that wear jewellery or have weaves or even pedicures. Like seriously? *No comment*

  • He’s spiritually arrogant: In case you don’t know, there are many christian men that are so full of themselves, they have enough ego for ten men! If you date such a man, be ready to be on the receiving end of his constant self-appraisal, self-admiration, self-centeredness and every other kind of self-word you can think of except self-control! Even when you feel the need to share something God has laid on your heart with him, he is quick to brush you aside and call your interpretation of the word -immature and myopic. As far as he is concerned, spirituality begins and ends with him in your home, you are just his disciple.
  • He wants you to change: Nothing is wrong with change if it’s in a good way and for the right reasons but what happens when your man decides you are not good enough to be known as his spouse simply because you have a different attitude towards life from his? He doesn’t want you to read ‘worldly’ books. Loving your Danielle Steel novel? Wait till you receive that lecture about how it adds nothing to you and you should be buried only in books that increase your spirituality. Do not get me wrong here; I love to read inspirational books written by pastors but do I want to read them everyday? Nope! Sometimes, I want to read a tragic love story or an exciting crime tale, something thrilling about a fictional family feud and so on. It doesn’t end with books- music, TV and everything else will be added on to it.
  • He HATES your sense of style: This is a very controversial topic amongst many christian men and women. Some men believe the christian woman must be absolutely modest in her appearance- the only piece of skin people can see is her fingers, she can’t wear jewellery, she MUST cover her hair always, she can’t paint her nails, she can’t wear makeup, some even go to the extent of criticising women that relax and condition their hair. Oh wow! Many times I find myself tongue-tied when I speak to such men but when my tongue loosens up a bit, I tell them to please search the convents for their spouses. I am not supporting women that walk around with half of their assets hanging out; in my opinion, that looks disgusting. But what is the issue with not being allowed to wear pants or makeup? Are baggy brown dresses, tangled frizzly hair and chappy skin the description of the Christian woman? Enlighten me.
  • He’s caught up in a divine world: I’d sure love to have a husband that hears from God but do I want him in a trance every second of the day? Erm…no thanks. Many marriages suffer because husbands are too spiritual to show their wives how much they care. They are constantly on the run trying to solve the problems of others while their families are at home in dire need of their attention and affection. When you bring up the need to spend time together, he’ll tell you you need to join him in the spiritual realm. Well, if that’s not what God has called you to do, you will not succeed in joining him. Instead you’ll end up frustrated, in tears and might be tempted to get attention elsewhere.

Some of you will read this post, wrinkle your noses and raise your eyebrows and probably pray for my dear ‘lost soul’ (thank you in advance) while some of you will understand where I am coming from. When I pray to God for my man, I always pray that he’d make my spouse my best friend and that we’d live together in harmony and serve God all the days of our lives. I don’t need him to quote a bible scripture everytime I make a mistake, I don’t need him to make me his disciple, I’m already a Child of God. I don’t need him to constantly remind me of how God has bestowed a certain talent upon him and I’d better listen or face eternal damnation. Hahaha! Being married to an arrogant self-centred man- christian or not- is already a preview of eternal damnation.