Now I See Me…

It has taken years for me to arrive at this point – a point where I look at everyone and everything I thought I lost and said to myself “but truly, they had to go because if they did not, I would not be where or who I am today.” This epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks. It was sudden, unexpected, shocking, yet enlightening.

For years, I had sacrificed myself at the altar of approval. I chased down what I thought I needed to the detriment of my own sanity. I sacrificed my heart over and over, with the hope that these sacrifices would be enough to convince subjects of my affection to reciprocate my affection for them. But that did not happen. The more I sacrificed, the more I lost myself; not because sacrifices are synonymous to loss, but because I was cutting myself for things and people who did not care I was bleeding. In retrospect, I cannot blame them for not noticing. I could barely see myself bleeding. I was so focused on what I believed would be the perfect compensation, that I failed to realize how much of myself was bleeding out for affections I yearned for but did not deserve.

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Don’t get me wrong. I did not deserve them, not because I was insufficient, but because they were insufficient to satisfy me and take me where I needed to be. I did not deserve the nonchalance with which they would have treated me, or the emptiness they would have constantly poured into my life. I did not deserve the pain they would have brought or the feelings of insecurity they would have happily fostered in my spirit. I did not deserve these but I also did not know because I could not see me. I was so focused on seeing them as I wanted them to be, rather than seeing them as they were.

But today, it hit me. Like a blinding ray of sunlight hits the eyes when the blinds are pulled back without warning, so did the image of me hit my consciousness. Here I am, gloriously and beautifully created, crafted in the gentle hands of God, filled with the beauty of his grace and blessed with the power only his love can give. For love in its truest form only seeks to empower. In true love, there is no fear of loss. There is no fear that requires me to constantly contort myself for the sake of pleasing. There is simply no fear.

Now I see me – who I am, what I am and who I can become. I see me and I realize with peace in my heart that everything and everyone I lost was insufficient for where I am meant to be.

Now I see me, and I hope you see you too.

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“You’ve Never Been In Love If…”

Image result for loveEverytime a sentence starts like this, I find myself leaning forward with all the eagerness I can muster, dying to hear the second half of what love feels like. Even though I have met many people who are in love, I have never really heard any of them describe it with an all-encompassing description that beats everything else. So yes, I am always eager to listen and collect these descriptions of love that people drop here and there. But so many times, my eagerness has been met with an anti-climax. The many halves I’ve heard have made it so clear that many people truly do not know what love is. Cultural beliefs, environmental influence, and patriarchal relationship propaganda have influenced the way many people, especially women, view and understand love.

So I was not surprised when one day, a colleague interrupted my conversation with another colleague to tell me point blank that I have never been in love. She sounded really convinced, that anyone who was meeting me for the first time at that very moment would have indeed believed my life has been void of love.

Let me give you a little background.

In our communal office space, I was discussing continuous infidelity with one colleague and was explaining as I have on this blog many times, that so many women have been hurt badly, and by badly I mean terribly. Many women are insane as it is, trailing their husbands everywhere, stalking all his female friends and colleagues and threatening fire and brimstone whenever they see any woman with him. Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual act and substance of love.

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Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual acts and substance of love are missing. Some women have found themselves exploring infidelity as a coping mechanism. Many of those on these ‘coping gang’ look fine, they act fine, they sound fine, but truly they are not.

I explained to the person I was having this conversation with that one factor that is responsible for loss of self-worth, loss of identity and all the different kinds of emotional chaos many women in relationships experience when they try to sleep at night, is the fact that love is no longer being served, but they are not willing to leave the table.

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Then the interruption came thundering from the desk across the room…

You have never been in love… because you clearly don’t know how to give your all to someone, and not receive anything in return.

I knew who it was. She had a knack for jumping into shallow waters with a dive, so I really was not surprised that she was yet again jumping uninvited into my conversation with someone else.

The first thought that crossed my mind was to silence her with the most cutting response that crossed my mind; but instead, I smiled and asked how she arrived at that conclusion. She didn’t answer my question but had many more lessons for me about how love makes a person give and give, and even after they’ve been hurt continuously and ripped of their self-worth, they cannot leave because they are in love.

You’ve never been in love if you’ve been hurt over and over and you leave. Love makes you give yourself without expecting anything in return.

“You’ve never been in love if you don’t feel the need to give up your dreams and aspirations for this person.”

“You’ve never been in love if you have never felt the need to love him so much, your love is enough for the both of you.”

What does that even mean? Loving someone enough for the both of you. That’s like loving a nomadic stray dog and hoping it will stay with you because your love is enough for both of you. I proceeded to ask her the questions that fired through my mind.

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 Does love leave you empty? Does it make you question your worth? Does love make you cry, make you insane, make you stalk other women and threaten them? Does love leave you unhappy?

Yes, these were the questions I asked her, and she could not respond.

Why do people think being in love is equal to emotional bankruptcy? Why are women out there still thinking that expectations are not required in a relationship? I see it every time: “Don’t expect anything and you will not be hurt.” What on earth is wrong with people who peddle this notion as the gospel foundation of every relationship?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. They have developed a coping mechanism that expects hurt and puts up with it. They have put up with an erosion of their self-worth for so long, that they do not expect anyone to treat them better. I hear even Christian women peddling this (Since the devil now sends demons to pose in churches as bachelors)

“I don’t expect my husband to make me happy. God is the only one who can make me happy.” 

Image result for heartbrokenYea…it does not get sadder than that. If your husband is not expected to make you happy, then he is by default either going to make you sad or have absolutely no effect on you. And yea, I hear some of you championing for the latter, so I’ll ask: if he has no effect on you, why is he your husband? What is the purpose of your union? Why are you with him? Why are people peddling this martyr-ish type of love as normal? It is not. Sure your husband cannot give you JOY. God gives that. But your husband should aim to make you happy as you also aim to do the same for him. It is his duty to make you happy as it is yours to make him happy. What he cannot give you is joy. That comes from within.

If you still believe in giving up yourself till you are completely eroded without expecting anything in return, please understand this:

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Love does not leave you void. It cannot leave you void even if it tried. Love does not make you give up yourself for nothing. Love does not make you stand in front of the mirror and question if you are still pretty enough or if you still got it. Love does not hit you with pain pangs that feel as though your heart is about to fall out of your chest, nor does it make you anxious about yourself, your life, your decisions and even your past.

“Oh Demi please spare us. You are single. You don’t know the reality of life.” LOL.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is the fact that love makes you better. Love brings out the innermost in you and makes it grow. Love reaches you in places you didn’t think you even had. And yes, you will give yourself for this love. But you will not have to train yourself to expect nothing in return. Because this love will always seek to ‘outgive‘ you.

XOXO.

PS: Check out my YouTube channel. Search Demi Fayemiwo.

Love Is Not About Giving

 When we think of the word ‘love’, we often think of selfless acts of giving and an unconditional desire to satisfy the needs of others, sometimes at our own detriment.

I have very often heard of people declare and swear by the love that gives unconditionally, the love that cares without any expectation, the love that makes hearts soar even though they are not receiving. To be able to give unconditionally and endlessly, is considered to be true love- a kind of noble quest many people embark on, while some find themselves psychologically orientated towards this kind of love- the self-sacrificial kind of love that makes us feel we are paying our dues to the world.

I can’t help but wonder…if this is the ideal kind of love, if this is the true love, the real love people so often speak about with dreamy eyes, why then do people get hurt by it? Why do people end up broken and distraught after loving so unconditionally? Why do they feel betrayed? I mean, if you have zero expectations, you ought to have zero disappointments right? Here’s the bitter truth we all need to understand: Love is not just about giving. It is about receiving.

We cannot claim to have experienced love when we do not receive any love ourselves. That in its own right is a form of self-robbery.

Many of us, especially women, like Chimamanda Adichie rightly pointed out in her speech at Wellesley college, are taught to love in a scarificial manner. We are only admired for our love when it is a form of sacrifice on our part. Women who marry men below their pay grade are praised for truly loving their husbands, while their colleagues who marry men who are well-to-do are immediately tagged as gold diggers, irrespective of the genuine love they have for their husbands. We are taught and expected to only give, but to receive love is a crime to society. The fact is that we cannot claim to have experienced love when we do not recieve any love. That in its own right is a form of self-robbery.

We get hurt because we give and give until we are empty. We go out on a limb for others at our own detriment in a bid to show them love, but we are really doing is telling others that we can come second while they come first, yet we get surprised when we are treated accordingly. We give until our reserves have been used up, and when we have nothing left to give, we start seeking to receive but by then, it is too late!

Girls are often raised to see love as only giving. Women are praised for their love when that love is an act of giving. But to love is to give and to take. Please love by giving and by taking. Give and be given- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Stop giving all of yourself andf receiving nothing in return; the bible says love your neighbours AS YOURSELVES. In other words, loving yourself first and considering yourself to be number one is the first step to true love. When you love yourself, you will want to be given love (I am yet to meet anyone who does not like gifts). Think of love as an exchange of gifts between two people at Christmas. You can’t be the only one filling up the stockings or putting boxes under the tree, while the other person simply unwraps, eats, and plays with all the gifts you have given. It is an exchange- you have to receive love!

The ideology that love is all about giving is what blindsides many people in relationships. They find themselves giving so much and receiving nothing in return, and they are falsely led to believe that the love they are giving is sufficient to carry them and their beloved through difficult times. Sadly, this is hardly ever the case. The love you are not receiving from your beloved is being given to someone else, or kept for someone else. If you are not being given love, do not be scared to call it quits. Move right along and go to where love is being served. Like Chimamanda said: “Give and be given”.

Love is not a noble quest; it’s not about saving a damsel in distress, it is not a battle for chivalry. Love is not about paying your dues to the world, it is not a charity project. It should not be a sacrifice. Love is food for the soul, and every soul must be fed. Do not neglect your soul by giving without receiving. True love is not just about giving, it’s about receiving- a two-way channel that ensures both ends are well-nourished.

So the question is: do you have love?XOXO

How Much Should You Give Up For Love?

This question tugged at the strings of my heart for weeks after I returned home from an eye-opening conference. I was privileged to be selected to attend a conference designed to empower young women who are just embarking on the inception of their careers. I may have been partly prepared for the awesome experience but I was in no way prepared for some of the horror stories that made me question what was more important. Some of the women who came to address us at the conference spoke about how they had to sacrifice something for their careers, and in most cases, that the sacrificial lamb was marriage.

I couldn’t help but wonder….how did my mom, my aunts and so many other strong, ‘career-driven yet married’ women do it? Do we have to sacrifice one thing to get the other or can we have it all? Why are women often expected to drop their dreams and aspirations and become someone else? How on earth did my mother manage her career, get to the top, yet kept the whole family happy and intact? Do women who have it all have some sort of super powers that makes everything fall into place? Hmmm…I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of this train of thought and the answer I have arrived at is “No, women who have it all do not have super powers. They do not give up anything for love”.

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As women, we are emotional beings; that in itself is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we are a pleasure to work with, we are sensitive to the feelings of others and we tend to possess higher emotional intelligence. It is a curse because based on our emotions, we are willing and ready to throw away dreams we have held dear for so many years! When we fall in love, we tend to change our dreams to fit that of the man who has managed to steal our hearts. Some of us throw away all our dreams and aspirations altogether. Afterall, according to society’s standards, if we are married, we are the epitome of success. Society says marriage is all we need to feel fulfilled….society couldn’t be more wrong!

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STOP giving up your dreams for the sake of love. It is very unhealthy! If a man expects you to give up your dreams and aspirations so  you can become half of him, then it is time for you to hit the curb, wave goodbye and start walking. I know… I know…marriage is based on compromise, but sacrificing your identity just so someone else can be happy is not the type of compromise you want to make. Not only does it result in a dissatisfied you, it will cause resentment to build up in your relationship over time. You are one whole individual with whole dreams and aspirations! Any compromise in your relationship should be geared towards finding middle ground so both of you can achieve the dreams you desire.

Many women eventually have to give up love because they realize sometimes a little too late that it cannot replace the feeling of pursuing and achieving their dreams. The love they abandoned everything for evolves into something else that may be sustainable but may also be a routine- a routine they didn’t plan for because they thought they’d have butterflies everyday and talk long walks in the park. Surprise surprise when the mister who did not give up on his dream has to work late, has to travel to meetings, has interesting issues to discuss at the dinner table and they have nothing to say except “Sally got 80% on her maths test”. Inevitably, such women will start to long for the dreams they abandoned, they will long for the life they desired before Mr. X came into the picture and slowly, they will start to rebel against the terms and conditions Mr X has grown very comfortable with. irreconcilable Differences becomes the term of their divorce and Mr X is angry that he was deceived. ‘She agreed we’d move to New York; I’d work and she’d stay home with the kids. She’s so selfish!’ Well…can’t blame him for something you agreed to in the first place.

Stop giving up your whole self to be half of someone else. Don’t let go of your dreams simply because you believe someone else’s dream is more important. All those women I know who have it all, stood their ground from day one! If Mr. wanted to move to Los Angeles, the question they asked was “Can I pursue my dream in Los Angeles?” Stop giving up everything for love. As a woman, your dreams are important too! Your aspirations are important too! If you make this clear from the beginning, a man who truly wants you in his life will understand he must take your dreams into consideration before he makes any life-changing decisions. However, if you give him the impression that your dreams can be swept under the carpet, well….that’s what you’ll get!

How much should you give up for love? Nothing! True love won’t make you half of who you truly are. XOXO

Single Women Don’t Need Advice

Well, at least we don’t need unsolicited advice. There is a recent hike in articles aimed at single women, pointing out what they are doing wrong, why they are still single and how it will be difficult for them to find suitable partners if they keep walking down the same path. Oh dear! Sometimes, these articles make me roll my eyes while other times, I am tempted to write a lengthy response to the author and ask ….”what do you know about being a woman?”

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Single women are always on the receiving end of unsolicited advice; be it from a bitter guy that expresses his anger of rejection by giving insults masked as advice, or a newly married friend who believes she has crossed the threshold into success and can stand in the position to give advice. Don’t even get me started on that rollEyes

Dear avid single women advisers, you are targeting the wrong audience! Single women are not the ones that are in desperate need of advice and guidance, single men are. I don’t understand the way society leans to favour women and put women at the fault of everything that is not working. If a relationship ends drastically because a man was cheating, society will say “Oh…she overreacted”. If a woman gains a bit of weight after four kids, then the words “she let herself go” is at the tip of every woman’s tongue, the same is hardly ever said for a man with a pot belly or even mind numbing body odour. The saying “a wise woman builds her home” has been taken out of context to mean “a woman bears the entire burden of making her relationship or marriage work”, and sadly, fellow women are the ones propagating these thoughts. When will men start to take some responsibility???!!! Are they infants?

Sometimes when I read some articles, I wonder why they have the undertone of the woman needing the relationship more than the man, hence she needs to put in more work. Where on earth did that come from?! The desperate acts of women to get hitched or the societal generalization that women are lesser beings and should bear the brunt of everything. STOP advising women! Start advising men! Advise men to stop cheating, to stop feeling intimidated and to stop acting like they are the prize and women are just puppets on a stage! Advice men to stop using women and start caring for them, to stop going into relationships when they know for sure that they intend to leave the poor woman high and dry. The way society has shifted, men need advice more than women! Stop telling women how to act to attract men while the man is given the free reins to use and dispose as he pleases. Single women don’t need all the unnecessary unsolicited advice that only addresses one side of the coin and leaves the other untouched. that horse I daresay has been over-flogged. Move on to the next please.

 

Are You Dating Down Just to Settle Down?

The incessant race to get married is not helping society in any way. Single ladies in their mid and late twenties are not spared third degree style questioning by family members with regards to their intention to settle down. “When are you getting married?”, “I hope you are not chasing men away with your attitude?”, “Lower your standards, no man can meet all these requirements”…the list of advice goes on and on until you find yourself looking exasperated and questioning where your life is heading. I was home for a couple of weeks and these questions were on everyone’s lips… Needless to say, I was tired of answering all the questions and I could feel the migraines approaching. No wonder many women date down just so they can settle down.

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Now, when many of us hear the phrase ‘dating down’, we immediately think about money and social class. While those two are important factors when a lady is about to get married, there are many women out there married to men with good financial standing and from high social class, yet they know at the bottom of their hearts that they married undeserving men. If you are dating an abusive man, believe me, you are dating down! If you are dating a man who is totally uneducated while you are aspiring to reach great heights with your education, you are dating down! If you are dating a man who expects you to wear the pants around the house, simply because he’s too weak to make decisions or support you financially, you are dating down! Dating down is a crime no woman should commit if she respects and loves herself. When you start dating down, you have basically entered into a relationship with someone who cannot understand your drive for success, your dreams or your legit hustle to achieve them. I have friends telling me their husbands don’t want them to pursue their masters degrees, just so they won’t be more qualified. I have friends that are broken, telling me they don’t have husbands; instead they have an extra mouth to feed as the mister is just home, chilling on the couch, doing nothing! Society can tell you your reasonable standards are too high; don’t listen. Society won’t lift a finger to help you when you start doing a lifetime sentence for dating down. I am not saying if you have a car, he must have three or if you have a PhD, he must have one too. On the contrary, I am saying you need to be with a man who is emotionally, intellectually and financially compatible with you. He has to be someone who is actively working to achieve his dreams, and not just telling you about how much potential he has. Everyone that is alive has potential! Don’t get stuck in that trap!

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While I was home, my sister’s best friend made a statement that caught my attention. She said “When you get to a certain age, you just have to settle for whoever comes your way.” I didn’t argue or respond, simply because I didn’t have the energy to. Besides, she is way older than I am so I couldn’t understand where she was coming from. My thoughts however were ‘what’s the point of settling if you’ll be miserable till death parts you and your unfit partner?’ That explains why many people kill their partners! Aha! Riddle solved! Don’t date down! Don’t settle for an abusive man (be it physical or emotional), because your biological clock is ticking. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t respect you simply because society said marriage will change him. Don’t settle for a man who will stand in the way of your dreams simply because they are bigger than his! Don’t settle for what’s beneath you! It’s a sign you don’t love yourself enough. Aim high, work towards your dreams, achieve your goals! Unlike society thinks, there is a lid for every pot! XOXO

 

PS: I missed you all these past few weeks! Now share your thoughts on the subject. As usual, I am looking forward to reading them.

 

“Don’t Be Left Behind!!!”

Those were the words that haunted me as I went to bed a couple of nights ago. After my usual routine of watching tv for at least a couple of hours a day, I struck up a spontaneous conversation with one of my acquaintances on BBM and the conversation steered in the direction of relationships. She asked why I wasn’t seeing anyone and I simply told her “I haven’t met the one. Many men out there are either cheats and liars or downright shady in the way they earn a living.” (I’m not planning to have a criminal record. I may be a president’s wife one day).

She went on to ask how many women get married every saturday if good men are so hard to find, I responded that some women are lucky, while others are willing to put up with liars and cheats for the glory of being called “Mrs”. Her response? “At least they are getting married”. I paused….. and carried on the conversation. Like I stated earlier, she is an acquaintance of mine and I really didn’t think I knew her well enough to have an in-depth discussion about that response. I went on to say many men are weirdos, they meet you today and propose to marry you next week. That sounds really sweet, but am I willing to marry someone I barely know? No! The divorce rate is high enough as it is, I have no plans to contribute to it. Worse still is the fact that some of these men get offended when you ask for sufficient time to know them and often accompany their proposals with a barrage of insults.

Her response? Times have changed! You can’t expect a man to chase you for years (I was thinking, if he’s chasing me for years, then he must have a really thick skull. I usually make it clear after a month or even a couple of weeks if I’m not interested. Give me a couple of months to know you, a few more months to date you before you spring marriage on me). I continued reading her messages… “You just have to be smart about it”, she said. “If a man proposes marriage after a couple of weeks, keep him interested while you get to know him. You might be prude and conservative but you need to move with the world! Don’t be left behind!!!”

Oh? I managed a LOL and announced my intention to drift off to la la land, switched off my phone and tried to sleep but I couldn’t! If a woman doesn’t jump at a marriage proposal from a man she barely knows, does that make her a prude? If a woman wants to get some time to know the man who is interested in her, does that make her conservative and boring? I need some clarification here, because I have been confused since I had that conversation. What i could infer from response 1,”At least they are getting married” is  that it doesn’t matter who the man is, or how much of a liar he is, you will be married and that is what is most important. LOL. Now I am really laughing, no wonder some men think the sun shines out of their ass. We are to blame! These days, when men joke, they usually take jabs at women, claiming  women will be over the moon if they were to propose. Marriage proposals are seen as favours by men with fragile egos and small minds. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against marriage. I love marriage, I want to be married but do I want to be married to just anyone? NO! Not every man who proposes marriage is good for you. You need to be able to know what you want in a man and be patient enough to wait for it.I am not saying you should be on the lookout for Mr. Perfect, there are some superficial characteristics that can be overlooked but you need to have a connection with the man you marry; intellectually, emotionally, financially and spiritually! Just because a man says “I want to marry you” doesn’t mean he’s good enough!

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About being a prude, oh well! better a prude than a vagina with warts and herpes, right? In an effort to not be described as prudish and old school, many women are moving with the world, jumping into bed to keep men interested, falling for a man that hints at marriage,getting dumped, abused and heartbroken every other month…how’s that working out for you ladies? I am not saying you should act like you’ve been living in a cave, I am not saying you should be boring or act offended when a guy makes jokes or comments about things you’d rather leave unsaid, but it doesn’t mean you should entertain every guy, simply to prove you are not a prude! Marriage looks nice and glamorous, especially on the wedding day, but believe me, forever is a long time! Avoid getting caught up in the rhythms of the world, just because you don’t want to be left behind.

Think Like a Man…. ERM… No Thanks

Disclaimer: No offence to Steve Harvey’s popular book, which I did not read and no offence to the movie which I watched and enjoyed.

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These days, it is a growing trend that women want to think like men. We believe we are failing at relationships because we are not thinking like men. We want to put ourselves in the position of men, we want to make moves like men, talk like men expect us to and act like they want us to. And of course, Steve Harvey’s popular book sent many women into ‘think like a man’ mode but hey don’t forget to act like a woman…Erm, is that possible?

I am sure you are aware by now that your thoughts become your actions; why would you want to think like a man when you were created to be a woman? It just doesn’t add up to me. It is impossible to think like a man and act like a lady. Believe me, i have tried it and I know all you will end up achieving is attracting other women to you. In the midst of men, they will read your mannerisms and start to treat you like one of them; you will be another guy…why? because you think like them! You don’t understand why their girlfriends are upset because they didn’t call last night, but you understand the men had other things to attend to and couldn’t be bothered to call. Before you know it, you start to receive pats on the back and perhaps one day, they might attempt giving you a wedgie. Don’t blame them; all they see when they look at you is another man who can see things the way they do and that of course is boring to them. As much as men complain about the weird and intolerable factors that make up women, they love to be with a woman who possesses those weird and intolerable factors.

Do you think your inability to think like a man is what is standing between you and your happiness? No! Your obstacles range from your pre-conceived notions about men to your completely unacceptable attitude towards admirers, your partner and your relationship as a whole. Many of us believe all men are cheats and liars and can’t wait to jump ship once they get what they want, while many of us, though single, have anger issues for no reason. Some women are angry when a good-looking, ok-ish man asks for their number; “I don’t give my number out”…. How do you get dates then? Do you only date the guys you met in primary school? I can understand the need to be careful because there are so many psychos out there but at least, give some of your admirers a chance. You don’t have to invite him to your apartment or cook him dinner within the first few weeks of knowing him. You can take your time, but give men a chance!

Stop thinking your relationships will be successful when you think like men. No sister. Men and women are deliberately wired differently. Like an ad I saw on TV said “Men’s brains are made of little boxes and none of the boxes touch each other. Women’s brains on the other hand are made of little wires and everything is connected to everything!” That is sooo true and believe me, it wa created that way for a reason. If God felt relationships would work out well if we could all think the same way, he would have created Adam and Steve but guess what? he didn’t! He made Eve with the brain that’s made up of tiny little wires that connects everything to everything. Be yourself; love yourself, be empathetic, be compassionate, be caring, even towards yourself and the right man will be glad you don’t think like him.

xoxo

Lies Single Women Tell Themselves

Single women lie to themselves- that is not news. Married women lie to single women- Oh! Are you surprised?! Sometimes, people feed us with information to sway our desires and decisions to suit the lifestyles they already live…. I will address this in a later post.

Today, I was working on my book when this topic came to mind- lies we single women tell ourselves and the lies society has made us believe. These are the lies that mostly influence our relationship decisions and lead to so many of us living unhappy discontent lives by the time we are 40, married with three kids and worried about the bank coming to repossess the house.

#1 The ‘Display Your Personal Assets’ lie: These days, the belief of this lie is conspicuous in the way women carry themselves. some of us call it the effects of modernization while I just call it selling yourself cheap; whatever the case, we can all agree that this is one lie that hurts us women today even though we struggle to accept it. In case you are still wondering what this is about, I am referring to the new dress code women have adopted- boobs hanging out, legs and half of our butts exposed…then we go on dates and claim we want a man who is after God’s heart. How exactly will that work? This dress code stems from the belief that men want a woman who is sexy and is not afraid to display it. Afterall, these are the kinds of women getting married these days- no doubt but the question is what kind of man are they married to? Is that the kind of man you would like to marry? Can any man take you serious when the whole world can see your nipples and your butt hanging out on a date? The truth is this: Men like excitement and thrill but once they are done with the treat, they throw the lady in a ‘tool box’ of tools they will only open when they feel like it and she may not even be the tool of choice. Let a man see you for what is in your head and your heart, not what should be hidden beneath your clothes.  Displaying your assets will not attract men, it will attract dogs that are simply hungry for a piece of meat. When the meat is all chowed up, be sure some more dogs will come for the bones, until there is no evidence left of the meat…well, besides some cartilage pieces.

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#2 Poverty breeds good behaviour: LIE LIE LIE!!!! i don’t know where this came from but it really bothers me. These days, when a wealthy couple’s marriage end in divorce, many people are lined up and ready to point out that money i snot everything, it doesn’t bring happiness and bla bla.And living in a shack does? Ladies please!!!! Many of our married friends that married down are quick to point out how rosy things are for them but the truth they don’t tell you is how bent their backs are from carrying the dead weight of their husbands.Many women believe when a man has nothing, he is automatically a good person, while a financially stable man has a higher chance of being abusive and unavailable in marriage, hence women date down. Stop lying to yourself. That philosophy does not hold. If a man has nothing, that is dangerous to you, not just financially but emotionally too! Are you aware of what he might become when he starts to make it? I always say that you know a man when he has power and money by the way he treats himself, those below him and those around him. You can’t know anything about a man who is on the floor! If you ask him to lick your ass, he will because he doesn’t have any status to refuse! I’m not saying some poor men are not good but being poor is not the prerequisite for good behaviour. Hint: always aspire for a man who is on the same level as you are or higher! Dating down is self-crime!Image

For more on this, check out my post on gold digging here–>  https://ladydacreme.wordpress.com/2013/10/25/be-a-gold-digger/

#3 Potential Is All I Need to See: This one cracks me up; I am sure you are surprised because this is a statement that is very common amongst single women. Everyone talks about potential, potential and more potential. Lady, EVERY LIVING BEING HAS POTENTIAL! As long as a person is alive and breathing, he has the potential to turn his life in any direction, a drug addict has the potential to change, a child that is terrible at maths has the potential to become better….with practice. In other words, POTENTIAL IS NOT ENOUGH! Action is what you need to see. I have the potential to become a best-selling author in a year or two but I don’t see that happening if i laze around on the couch all day and do nothing. I can write a whole book but it’s not going anyway if I don’t get an agent, a publisher or the whole nine yards. Potential just won’t do! You need to see him in action, making changes in his life and striving to make sure life is better for both of you. Many women are in the potential trap, growing grey hairs, don’t be one of them!

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#4 Men will be intimidated If I’m Intelligent: Yea…this is one many of us that have dared to venture into the world of postgraduate studies face. Our mothers even get scared for us..”You are pursuing a PhD? Where will you find a man?” Oh well! *shrug*… I should do a post on lies our mothers told us. Anyway, back to the point; if a man is intimidated by your achievements, he is not the man for you. An oppressed man expresses himself in different ways- he is either a wimp or a monster. The ‘wimpy’ ones are willing to lick your feet, unable to take a decision about their own lives and will nicely sit around like lap dogs until you throw them a ball to fetch. The monsters on the other hand want you to know who wears the pants in the relationship and will not miss an opportunity to talk you down or tell you how unnecessary it is for you to tell his friends what your research is about. No….they want you to sit quietly like a lap dog until they tell you to fetch, get it? They attempt to break you until you become a wimp. Sadly, many well-achieved women are attracted to the monsters because they believe that is the best bet they have, and that is certainly better than having a man that is a wimp. Wrong! None of them would do. Don’t dumb yourself down for any man and really, you don’t need to carry your achievements on your shoulders like honorary badges. Be yourself, go on dates, have fun, enjoy your life, enjoy it when a worthy man chases you and let him know you can be caught (give him a bit of a hard time, it’s just fun that way *evil grin*), but whatever you do, don’t accept that you can’t find a man because you are smart. No! The truth is, you can’t find an idiot because you are smart; he will simply faint from the aroma of your intelligence, and yeah…that’s the way it should be! 😉

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XOXO

I Just Can’t Find a Wife!

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This is the song many men that claim they’d like to be married are singing… “I just can’t find a wife, so many ladies are deceitful. Too many ladies ‘have been around’ and those that seem good enough to marry are so unapproachable or uninterested.”

Ok guys… I hear you. It is easy to find a girlfriend, date her for five years or more, wake up one morning and have an epiphany that she just doesn’t fit into your future dream- she’s too lazy, she’s too fat, she farts when she sleeps, she dresses too simply, she’s too intelligent, she looks like a snob, my friends don’t get her, she is too talkative, she is too serious, she is just too much….If i hear one more complaint along these lines, I’ll have a fit! Jeez! I thought women were the queens of complaints. Clearly, I was wrong.

One of my male friends recently asked me…”How do I find my wife?” It seemed like a difficult question considering I am not on talking terms with cupid. however, I offered him some tips which I am about to regurgitate in this post. Hopefully, many young men in the “i can’t find a wife” boat will relate well with them.

#1 Stop Making Excuses! So many young men today dwell in the valley of excuses when it comes to not being able to approach a certain girl or not being able to commit. “Her face is just so discouraging, she hardly smiles”. I have gotten this so many times, I started to wonder if I ought to walk around with a smile constantly plastered on my face like i just had botoxNancy_Pelosi_Botox_Smile I mean seriously? What does her face have to do with anything? You like her, strap on a pair or ten pairs if you feel you’ll need them and just say a few words to her- a compliment, pleasantries, a comment about the weather….the worst she can do is show you she’s engaged.

#2 Stop Acting Like the Prize!!! Oh my! I can write a whole book on this one. I don’t know if it’s the psychological imbalance in society or the fact that many women carry the desperation billboards on their foreheads but many men approach women with the wrong mindset. They assume if she is in her mid or late twenties or thirties, she is definitely looking for a husband and they are the best offer on the table. So instead of a “Hello miss, How are you?”, they start off with the “Hey, I’m Mr X, and it would be in your best interest to know me.” Well, not those exact words but you get the point. No self-respecting lady would respond well to that. I met a guy like that, that even took it upon himself to point out to me that my mates were married while I was busy pursuing another degree. Oh well, his ass is roasting nicely on the curb now.

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#3 Learn the art of woo-ing I must confess now that I judge every lady that goes into a relationship with a man without being wooed. Yes, you can snarl at me, but i think it is the one phase every woman should let herself enjoy and it is the one skill every man should learn. I get shock waves when guys meet a girl at a party, ask her out to dinner, go on one date and then get upset that she is just not that into them. What happened to taking your time to woo the lady you claim to like? Why do men just expect women to fall into their laps like over-ripe fruits fall to the ground? Learn to woo! A compliment here and there, a thoughtful gesture, fun conversations…. you are the guys, you should know all these things! My interpretation of Woman? Someone a man should woo. Get it? I hope so!

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#4 Girls don’t like bad boys It is popular belief that many women like to hang out with bad boys and get hurt over and over again. Well, this is definitely not the case! I’ll try to explain why it seems that way. Many women don’t like wimps! Yes, you read right, no one wants a wimp. Many guys, in their efforts to portray themselves as good men, act like spiders on remote-controlled roller skates, no balance of any sort, just ready to go in whatever direction the miss pushes you. Jeez! the only kind of women that will be super happy living with that are women with control issues.So before you start lamenting about how your ‘goodness’ puts women off, know this…it is not the ‘bad-ness’ in bad boys that we like, it’s the assertive-ness (and I don’t mean that in an abusive way; so don’t go slap some girl and wake up in a hospital bed three weeks later. Yes, some women can induce comas with one slap, don’t push).

#5 You are not her god I used to think women were the ones that liked to be worshipped and treated like eggs but seriously, my research has shown that men take the cake when it comes to this. These days, men expect a woman to prove she is worthy of attaining ‘his wife’s status’. She has to cook, clean his crib, wash his clothes, watch his friends mess everything up and clean up after them. Again, no self-respecting lady would do all this for you simply because you are dangling a ring in front of her eyes. donkeymotivation WE ARE NOT DONKEYS!!!!

You either want to marry a girl or you don’t. Using a carrot and stick approach is so unacceptable!!! These days, men say “If she can’t cook my meals, wash my clothes and clean my crib, she’s stuck up and spoilt and I just can’t marry her.” OOOOH I’m scared of being alone. *cyber shivering*.

If you are truly looking for a wife, I suggest you get cleansed from such thoughts. Yes, women want to be married and sadly, a number of women would do anything to be named Mrs, but bear in mind, many women who appreciate themselves are not willing to roll in the mud just so they can give up their last name.