Men Are Victims Of Society Too

Feminism is becoming more popular as more women and men fight for the equal rights of both sexes. As a result, more and more opponents to the feminist cause keep rising in a bid to champion the status quo that has persisted over the years and favoured men. For many of these opponents, feminism is absolute nonsense. Men and women are not equal; hence they cannot have equal social and economic rights. Many men are against the feminist movement as it makes women ‘undateable’. Someone on twitter recently said, “women are unhappy in their marriages because they don’t want to give up complete control to their men”. A guy on a TV show said he chose to marry from a different country because the women in his country were feminists who had not learned to rely on the ability of men to control the relationship (I really hate that word ‘control’ by the way). His choice of a bride was however very interesting – a woman who threw major tantrums, cancelled his flight via his email and even cleaned out his iPhone because he failed to get her a designer purse. It made me realise two things: 1. Many men do not understand what feminism or who a feminist is, and 2. men are victims of society as much as women have been.

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Growing up in an African society, it was normal to hear the phrase “Be a man” whenever a man was facing a situation that drove him to tears. The phrase was meant to remind him of the fallacy that real men don’t shed tears. Real men take every pain in stride and move on like nothing ever happened. It was also common to hear elderly men tell younger men “you must show her you are the man” when giving relationship advice. The idea behind such advice was to urge the man to make sure the woman in his life did whatever he wanted, the way he wanted it. Even when these men were unfaithful to their partners, these elders told younger men to show themselves as men and not mind the painful groaning of their wives.Afterall, they are men!

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I got to realise now that the feminist movement has exposed the fragile parts of masculinity that men have been raised to believe they are not men except they are able to control another person’s life, subject another person to pain and make decisions whose weight they don’t necessarily have to carry alone.

Society has victimised men by giving them power that they have not earned and by letting them ride on the insecurity wave that presents itself as security. Many men would not live with a woman who makes decisions regarding her career and her heart’s desires, not because she does not value their input, but because they are not in control of the situation. Many men would not marry women who are as educated as they are because they believe women who are ‘too educated’ (by the way, there is no such thing as too much education) are hard to control. Many men who marry educated women make it a point of duty to ‘clip their wings’ just so they can show them who’s boss. And interestingly, in all of this,  these men consider themselves secure in their identity and individuality. Well, guess what? They are not. If anything at all, society has sown the ultimate seed of insecurity in men, telling them that they are not enough as they are, except someone is enslaved by them.

That is why feminism is regarded as a problem, rather than progress. That is why men don’t want women with vision but will happily put up with a woman who has no direction or plans for her life. It is the reason men will detest a woman who has her life together and will celebrate a woman who is unaware her brain is in her head. This is why submission is still a word in relationships and power is necessary to make the man feel good. It is why words like leverage are thrown around in discussions with their partners, and the term head of the home is more important than anything else. It is why many men are afraid of genuine love because it is too carefree, too happy, too free. It cannot be controlled; hence they let it fo (post for another day).

It is so difficult to be a man, but the added pressure from society to prove that masculinity adds a whole different dimension to that difficulty. Society has raised men to be narcissistic and self-destructive. They are not raised to choose the partners that uplift them; they are raised to choose the partners they can subdue. As a matter of fact, they are not raised to choose partners, they are raised to choose disciples and robotic elements who agree with everything they do, do everything they say, and say everything they want them to say at the time they want them to say it. With time, these men get bored and begin to feel like they are hibernating in life. In spite of that, they would not be caught dead with a woman who has an opinion, a vision or plans for her life. Of course, this spills over into other aspects of their lives. I have heard of men who refuse to rent houses owned by women, find it hard to take instructions from a female boss at work, and even disrespect women they barely know on the street because they have someone like her at home *sigh.

If you think society victimised only women, observe men and think again. As we liberate women, we must liberate men too! We are all victims of sick societal values that foster insecurity. XOXO


Five types of men women should avoid

It is very important for single women to be able to discern the kinds of men around them in order to know where to draw the line. Some women get caught unawares because they don’t know the kind of guy they are dealing with until he pulls a weird stunt on them. I did some research from my experience archives and from those of my friends and I have made a list of five types of men you should not take seriously.

  • The jumper: This is a man who meets you today and ten minutes into the conversation, tells you he is madly in love with you. While that may sound romantic in hollywood movies, it is super-creepy in real life. The jumper doesn’t understand boundaries; he doesn’t understand the lines between acquaintance, friend, boyfriend and fiance. No matter what you tell him to put him off, he keeps blurring the lines and gets upset when you don’t reciprocate. he doesn’t give you time to even get to know his last name. If he has your number, he will send you all the love poems in the world 24 hours after meeting you. Beware, the jumper is after something and ‘something could be anything perhaps even an idiotic urge to satisfy his ego. RUN from this man! He can go from romantic to aggressive in the twinkle of an eye. and he has great tendencies to be a stalker. *singing… I got a feeling, somebody’s watching me*
  • The public avoider: This is a man who NEVER wants to go on a date! The excuse “babe, I am just an indoor type of person” is right at the tip of his tongue. The public avoider can spend hours indoors with you but none of his friends will know where he is; if your friends call you to say they are coming to hang out, your public avoider will quickly come up with an excuse about the ghastly accident his cat had and vanish into thin air. Any attempt to get him to meet you for breakfast or a milkshake will be met with a long explanation about how busy he is followed by him crawling into his shell for weeks. Ladies, he simply wants to hit and run. Once he gets the cookie out of the jar, you’ll never see a strand of his hair or his toe nail at your doorstep again….well, until he gets bored.
  • The under-achiever: This is a man who is content with sitting back while you break your back. He is the kind of guy that will tell you all about his potential but will never get started on achieving his goals. I know it is very common for people to say “Go for a guy that has potential.” Forgive me, potential is not enough! he has to take steps to make things happen. Everyone in the world has potential. Every single person! It’s our actions that differentiate us. Don’t waste your time listening to how he can become the next David Guetta, the next Michael Jordan or Donald Trump. Make sure he is showing you that he is already going about it. Don’t walk into the ‘potential’ trap. Beware, the under-achiever may first start out as a jumper!
  • The over-achiever: Too much of everything is bad, and that goes for ambition too. the over-achiever is mostly an annoying man so you probably won’t like him but just in case, here’s what he is like. He never lets things go even when they are trivial. He wants you to act a certain way, dress a certain way, have a certain kind of personality…forget about your heaven-given personality, the over-achiever needs you to fit in with all his trophies because that’s all you are to him- another achievement. The over achiever is also sel-absorbed, if you are ready to get in line with his routine, lady, you can walk and talk at the same time! Note that he also has features of ‘the owner’.
  • The Owner: The owner is someone I have met many times and given my slightly stubborn nature, he had to run away from me! *big grin* The owner is usually mistaken to be sweet and jealous in a ‘loving’ way and it takes some time for women to realize that the owner is a sick man who hates to lose control over anything…including you. He is possessive and the type that will ask to speak to your friends if you tell him you’re hanging out just to make sure they are female friends. He is the type that asks you to move in after dating for two weeks! It’s not because he is madly in love with you, it’s because he wants to keep an eye on you! The owner doesn’t give you space, nor does he give you the freedom to do what you want. As your owner, when he says “sit!” you better do it with your tail wagging.
Be careful out there ladies.
This post is also published on check out many exciting posts on that blog by yours truly!

He wants to cheat… should you join him?

Cheating is fast becoming a norm! As a matter of fact, many women accept it as a relationship factor alongside other factors like giving, going on dates, emotional support etc. Many women are willing to join what I can only describe as a harem because they’d rather share their man openly than have a ‘cheating’ boyfriend. I really should applaud men that are able to convince women to become part of such; it really has to be the women who need psychological re-programming because I refuse to believe a man can force you to become part of his crew of power puff girls except you’re willing.

There’s something that tingles in a good way, in a girl’s heart when a man in a relationship (not necessarily married) approaches her and offers a relationship. Yes, he’s offering her a relationship as a side dish but still, something about the admiration he has for her excites her and most of the time, it’s not necessarily because she wants to cheat, it’s because she feels like the winner of a competition that’s not even happening.

“Men are competitive beings because of testosterone” Men do not compete with each other everyday at work in order to get a compliment from everyone (at least straight men don’t). Men are hardly secretly resenting each other because well, Tom has a BMW and Dave still has to make do with a Toyota tazz. Whoever said men are competitive because of testosterone clearly did not do a lot of research on oestrogen! Men compete when there’s a defined competition on the table. We women? We can do it all year long – every hour of the day, every day of the week, every week of the month…you get the gist. We compete over everything even though we don’t like to admit it. It gets worse when an alpha female joins the office – she looks good, smells good, has firm thighs, no signs of cellulite or stretch marks… And it’s that same spirit that we take into cheating.

When a man wants to cheat and approaches us, we feel flattered and think to ourselves “I’m better than his partner”. Some of us quickly remember to tell ourselves “I’m way better than being any man’s spare wheel that he can turn to when the ‘main’ wheel is flat while the rest of us feed the “I’m better than his partner” notion until we reach a point of no return…. A point where he’s giving excuses about how leaving his partner would break her heart, afterall she was with him when he had nothing; a point where he’s becoming irritated whenever he sees your number calling and he starts yelling, or a point where, after squeezing all he can get out of you (fun, a shoulder to cry on, support, help with a project, sex etc) he starts acting cold and disconnected from you and you’re left to wonder and question every conversation you had with him just to try to figure out where things went wrong.

Men usually cheat because they’re missing something in their relationship and don’t have the patience to wait for their partner to give it to them; they are big toddlers, even though they refuse to admit it; and sometimes, they cheat because they can. It doesn’t matter if they have supermodel partners or the woman with the highest IQ lying next to them everyday, or even the most supportive girlfriend anyone can think of…they cheat.

As a woman, you should not be the spare wheel he turns to when he’s bored in his relationship. You should not be the girl who has to leave the room first and he leaves 20 minutes later simply because he doesn’t want people to see you together. You shouldn’t be the one he takes to dinghy hotel rooms to hide the affair and he even asks you to use your name for reservations because well, girlfriend can’t trace your name, she doesn’t know who you are. Truth be told, most times she doesn’t know you exist! Not because she’s an idiot as he would have you believe but because he’s the most loving man on earth when he’s with her. I know when married men want to cheat, many of them say “We don’t even have sex anymore”, appealing to the compassionate woman in you, yet, four months down the line, you see the wife with a bulging belly that says “baby on the way”. How on earth did that happen?!

Don’t play his game. It feels good to be flattered; when you’ve been single for a long time, it feels great for someone to approach you and tell you how wonderful you are, even if he’s already hooked but don’t feed the “I’m better than his partner” notion till you find yourself in a place you can’t understand.

I know some of you would argue that you actually found love that way; it happens! He could have made a wrong decision and realised it after meeting you. Sometimes, you meet a man in a relationship and he realises you’re what he has been looking for all this while. In that case, that man will go out of his way to show you that you mean everything, including putting the other woman out of her misery and not making you his main wheel, but his only wheel. When you break down, he’ll be with you because he has no spare, when you’re pumped up again, the ride continues.

He who finds a wife…

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).

I have heard this bible verse so many times that I often find myself reciting it automatically to men that have an aversion to marriage. I recited it without really thinking there was any depth to it. I’ve heard it at almost every wedding I’ve attended, at church seminars for singles, at meetings organised to uplift women and help them build their self-esteem in their relationships… Yeah that bible verse has been around so that explains why it’s been stuck in my head even though I barely understood it.

I never gave it much thought until recently. Being on strict bed rest and unable to do anything remotely energy-consuming, I entertained myself with my thoughts, ‘regurgitating’ some conversations I had with friends. Slowly, a trend started to form in my mind as I remembered conversations I had with many of my married male friends. After the wedding, many of them had testimonies to share- better jobs, new houses, better cars, great financial stability etc.

This bible verse popped into my mind as I thought about those conversations and something became clear. Proverbs 18:22 wasn’t a verse by King Solomon simply to uplift women, it was a fact that this king who was richly blessed with wisdom had noticed during his time!

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from God… In my interpretation, “he who marries God’s daughter (a woman after God’s heart, a woman who trusts God fully, a woman who is led by God in every step she takes) finds a good thing and obtains favour from God. Well, why wouldn’t he?

Imagine if you married the daughter of a businessman who owned various companies across the country? If you were living a good life before your wedding, you can be assured that you’ll live a much better life after the wedding because such a father wouldn’t want his daughter to lack anything. How much more our God that owns the heavens and the earth in all its entirety?

A male friend of mine that recently got married confided in me that his wedding cost 35,000 dollars- an amount that caused him to stagger when he first heard the budget. But somehow, things started falling into place. He had been struggling to get a job but after sealing the deal, a top position in a foreign country opened and he got it, he got a beautiful new car, he got more money than expected from his research group, he became blessed in every way…. I smiled as he testified to God’s goodness- he married God’s daughter.

You might be wondering….’How do I know she’s God’s daughter?’ Well, here are some things I know:

God’s daughter is beautiful inside and out, she has a heart of gold, she’s ready to give, ready to support, she’s thankful even when life offers sour lemons, she lives by God’s word, she praises Him even when she’s being tormented by the devil.

God’s daughter is not lazy; she doesn’t sit around and expect everything to be handed out to her! She gets up every morning with a plan to do something great with herself. God’s daughter is decent in her appearance, she is decent with her language, she doesn’t curse and swear at everyone on the street. God’s daughter is imperfect and she knows it but she accepts her imperfections and believes there’s a lot for God to carve into her.

God’s daughter is a pillar of strength to her man. She is ready to fight their relationship battles in prayer, she is loving, selfless and kind. No matter how successful she is, she is humble and submissive, though she’s assertive and strong when the need arises.

It is a proven fact! When you marry God’s daughter, he has no choice than to bless you richly. He doesn’t want the apple of his eye to lack anything so he will fill your heart and home with joy! This is not to say men are not precious to God. We all are, irrespective of gender but you have to agree with me, there must be something special about a woman that made King Solomon write that verse.

“He who finds a wife (not a selfish woman, not a woman driven only by the pleasures of this world, not a woman who’s too lazy to even have aspirations for her future, not a woman who’s only there for the good times, but a woman who understands the sanctity of marriage and walks with her hand in God’s hands all the time) finds a good thing and obtains favour from God!

Merry christmas in advance dear followers and visitors. May this season bring you all great happiness and blessings in all your endeavours.

Do share your thoughts about this verse! I would like to know what you think. God bless!

Be a “Gold-digger”

These days, I see women thrown from one relationship to another, not exactly sure of who they are and worse, not knowing for sure what they deserve. I see many females, in a bid not be called gold-diggers settling for what I can only describe as rotten wood or perhaps sawdust that can be blown away and scattered by the wind in a matter of seconds…. Afterall, if he’s not poor and struggling to make ends meet, he is not a good guy….right? Right????

Why is it that it’s called gold-digging when a woman chooses to go for a man who has everything she has and more but when a man does it, it’s called true love? Why is that we women fail to realize who we are and what we deserve, and instead live our lives trying to satisfy the requirements of society? What is gold digging anyway? Is it having a college degree,a professional job, being able to afford your own home, a car, having substantial savings in the bank and wanting a man who has the same?

some people are even digging for diamonds

If you are a woman who has managed to pull through the adversaries of life, the stress of making a name for yourself, building a career and pushing hard to be better every time, then really, you should be a ‘Gold-digger’. By Gold digging, I don’t mean you need to go after his wallet, you already have yours. But you need to have someone who shares the same values as you do, someone who you are intellectually compatible with and someone who you are financially compatible with. You might wonder at the term “financial compatibility” but trust me it is important. We all know that love and kisses don’t pay anyone’s bills and money is one of the major reasons couples fight. Why then would you want to settle for a man who does not contribute to your wellbeing in any way, a man who sits on the couch all day and tells you he’s trying to become the next David Guetta yet you don’t hear any beats from his computer? A man who sits around and does nothing all day, waiting for you to work your ass off, bring the money home so he can buy the latest Lacoste sneakers? You settle for such a man and then get mad at the world and even at him for not trying to make something of himself. Hellooooo…you chose to settle for him, knowing he is not driven in any way, knowing he is blind when it comes to vision and knowing for sure that he is willing to let you be the sole provider.

When i say “dig for gold”, I mean dig for a man with substance! Any man can sit in a flashy car and wear an expensive Armani suit but not many men have visions or dreams. Many of them don’t even have a steady source of income. Like my girls would say, they are hustlers, looking for a chic that’s willing to ride the wave for just the moment. They have no interest in your future dreams and aspirations nor do they have any interest in helping you become the best you can be. Money is all they can offer and that’s just it.

Dig for a man who is profound with his thoughts, a man who is able to be your man (not ‘every woman on the street’s’ man), dig for a man who you can connect with not just sexually – intellectual connection is important too otherwise the relationship will be characterised by many baseless arguments that do not make any sense. Dig for a man with a good heart, a man who can look after you even though you have your own source of income. Remember, before God gave Eve to Adam, he gave Adam a job – to name the animals and to tend to the Garden of Eden. The job paid Adam with accommodation and food which was all he needed! A man’s role is to provide and protect. a woman’s role is to support and provide comfort in hard times.

While you are in search of all these, don’t be an idle woman too! An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Eve was idle, walking around the garden with nothing to do, while Adam was tending to it which is why the devil was able to tempt her with the forbidden fruit. If Adam had been the idle one, he most likely would have been the easy target. Don’t be one of those women that walk around with painted faces but no substance. In other words, don’t be a fancy container with no contents.

Like calls to Like. If you are made of gold, you will certainly attract gold or something much better. Go for a man who cares about your soul, your body, your dreams, your aspirations… a man that won’t stifle you or make you less of who and what ought you to be. That is real gold right there!

A note to men

As a woman, I can only imagine how good it feels to not have to chase after skirts once you become successful; the skirts come chasing and being a specie with a third leg that does most of the thinking, you find it hard to wade off all the attention. Scrap that! You bask in the attention showered on you by women of different genre – the lady with the meagre self-esteem that looks up to you for completion, the Miss that enjoys sitting in your car and taking a ride around all the hot spots in town, the club-hoppers, the ‘available for a three-some’ best buddies and…you know the rest, fill in the gap.

You cannot be blamed for being chased; afterall, it is not your fault. All you did was to make yourself more attractive which really there is no law against. However, your attractiveness is not a license to make stupid mistakes. Yes, I call them mistakes because you also call them that.

To all men who are single and mingling, I have a request to make of you,. If you are not serious about her, don’t chase her. I have seen many cases and been in a few myself of where a man sweeps a lady off her feet and then hands her the broom – Oh yes! It suddenly becomes her turn to sweep him off his feet. The roles are reversed and now she has to do the chasing. Of course, we ladies fall hard when we fall in love and find it hard to understand why prince Charming has suddenly become a frog. No matter how much we kiss the frog, he doesn’t turn back into a prince; why? because he doesn’t want to. So please dear men stop living by the saying

“Breaking your heart is the last thing I would do because it’s the last thing on the list”. A little empathy would be nice.

Don’t take a single girl, who is happy and full of life and turn her into a dull and lifeless zombie. Don’t suck the life out of her with your emotional unavailability. If you can’t accept her the way she is, then stay the way you are. Don’t chase her and try to change every little detail about her. If she is skinny when you meet her, don’t make her eat, become an ‘umba-bumba’ and then disappear into thin air, leaving her with her desk covered with loads of diet books and exercise kits that she wouldn’t have needed before meeting you. If she is dark-skinned when you meet her, don’t ask her to bleach her skin because you like light-skinned girls. Dude, there are millions of light-skinned women out there. Go for what you want.

Please, please quit with the lies! I know many women out there blame other women for the infidelity of their partners but sometimes, men are the strategic liars behind the chaos. If you are married, make it clear! If you are in a complicated relationship, say so! If you are still nursing a broken heart from your last relationship, make it super clear! Don’t rope women into a messy situation and then abscond, leaving them to sort out the emotional trauma you have caused. It is cowardly!

One woman is enough for you. You are a man, not a powerless infant. An infant sees a box of chocolates and wants to eat them all. A man exercises self-control because he knows how terrible toothache and diarrhoea can be. Choose the woman you want and make a decision to stick with her. Women are not always easy to live with but here’s a tip: You can never go wrong with a woman after God’s heart

Lastly, be supportive rather than a douche bag. If your woman is going places, standing by her and supporting her does not make you less of a man. Being an irritant and doing unnecessarily stupid things to make her realize you are a man actually makes you less of a man. Abuse is not just about the physical, it is emotional too. Don’t break your woman, make her! Some women become engrossed in looking after others, they forget about themselves. Don’t go looking for a side dish or a spare bike to ride simply because your woman hasn’t been to the salon in a month. Rather help her with her work and get her to take time off.

Always remember “If you love a woman to the point of madness, she’ll blossom”- Brad Pitt

Perhaps some men can restore the faith of some good women out there so we don’t have to sing along to the Saturday’s song —>”A real husband is so 1999, so hard for a girl to find.” My girl sure did a good post on that one. Check it out here “A real husband is so 1999, so hard for a girl to find…”.