Women were Created for the Pleasure of Men

“Women were created to please men”

This is the general thought many men walk around with even if they refuse to say it out loud (no thanks to female emancipation). This is the thought many women believe hence the urge they have to ensure their relationships work out at all cost. This is the thought society has thrived on – that women are lesser beings whose purpose are only found when they find a man. Just like the life of a Christian is useless if he’s not serving God, the life of a woman amounts to nothing if she has no man to serve. When she does have a man to serve, if she is not doing everything he wants to please him, she is missing the core of her existence- the real reason she was created, the exact calling on her life, the mandate of her destiny.

Women are lesser beings. We were created to get married, listen to the well-laid rules by men, try our possible best to abide by the rules, and then over-compensate when we fail.

I have heard the rules many times from men: “when I get married, my wife has to do my laundry by handwashing”, “When I get married, I expect my meals to be freshly prepared everyday, and the dishes done right after I am done eating”, “when I get married, I expect my wife to wake up every morning, clean the house, pack up my lunch, get the kids ready for school and make sure my shirt is ironed before I am done taking a shower”. Don’t rule out the fact that you may need to change his boxers when he’s too tired to do so himself, and might have to be waiting at the door, drink in hand, ready to greet him after a long day you’ve both had. He is the king of the castle, and you are not the princess he wooed, but the servant he employed. The rules are set; the mandate of the purpose is defined. Your cage is built and your individuality is non-existent

Any woman who dares to question these rules is asked the one question that will set her aback for a moment.

“If you cannot do these things, what are you contributing to the marriage?”

It is hilarious when this question comes up because it appears that the only contributions a woman can make to marriage are those of a domestic nature. If she’s not cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry by handwashing, packing his lunch, and treating him like her adopted grown son, what exactly is she bringing to the table?

You’ve probably realized the sad truth: many men still believe that women have nothing more to give except sex, childbearing and culinary skills. Women cannot contribute financially or intellectually; women are not expected to be successful. But even more shocking is the realization these thoughts have shown about men.

Men are unable to chuck their own clothes in the washing machine, or handwash their own delicates. Men are unable to eat food that has been refrigerated, and are unable to quickly whip something up on their own. It gets even weirder from here on. Men are unable to wash their own dishes after eating, iron their own shirts, or help get the kids ready for school. Men are unable to function on their own, so they get  married to a woman who will do all these things for them, while they continue to ride the false wave of masculinity society keeps feeding them with.

Of course there is nothing wrong with doing the dishes or cooking or any of the other mundane tasks that need to be done around the house. There is however a problem when these tasks are stated as obligations that must be fulfilled by ONLY one party, because the other party believes his partner has nothing else to contribute.

Are we getting married so I can do all your laundry? Or are we getting married because you need a companion you can speak to about issues, make decisions with, build a life with and partner with? Do you understand my brain is functional, and is capable of more than picking which cereal the family should have for breakfast?

telegraph.co.uk

It is a false ideology that women were created to serve men, and if you are a man reading this, it is time to rid yourself of it completely. If you are choosing a spouse solely based on her ability to fulfill mundane tasks you can do yourself (if you’d just get off the couch), then you are setting your relationship up for failure. Not only will she lose her lustre for life because she has been reduced to your expectations, you will get bored for the same reason- she has been reduced to your expectations and there’s nothing exciting about them.

Expect more from your spouse. She was not created to serve you; she was created to partner with you. She is not there to fulfill your every expectation if they do not agree with her; she is there to find common ground with you. She is not there for a king-servant relationship; she is there for a king-queen connection. Your patriarchal expectations and entitlements? Chuck them in the bin. You don’t need them if you want a woman who will give a new zest for life, new courage, new idea, and new grounds to break. You won’t need them if you need a woman who will add value to you just like you add to hers. You won’t need them if you want a woman who knows she has a lot more to contribute to your life than laundry and dishwashing. XOXO. Before you leave, check out Ariel’s “share the load” video below

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“Lower Your Standards”

This is one advice I think every single girl has heard at some point in her life.

When people ask you why you’re single (by the way I find it surprising people haven’t figured out this question is annoying), they’re sometimes fishing to hear what barriers you’ve built around yourself, preventing you from finding eternal happiness. I always say “oh wow… I don’t know. Perhaps you can tell me.” Of course, this gets them excited and the next question comes –  “What do you want in a partner?”

This is where you probably get shaky; there is a strong urge to not come across as shallow, and at the same time, not aim too high because you don’t want to be seen as a gold digger (whatever that means); so you find yourself rambling off the perfect textbook response; “I don’t care about looks or achievements. As long as he has potential and he’s sweet, I’m good”. This is the response that is supposed to get you the clap on the back as they sing your praises for knowing what it is exactly to look for in a man, yet it sometimes fails to impress. They might still say “why does he need to have potential? You can build potential into him when you start dating!” or you might get the “Don’t think men are always sweet; just be ready to look past the difficult times!” It seems you can never win, and will always get the advice to lower your standards till you have nothing left. You don’t want to hear the long lecture I get due to my precise list of standards, so I’ll spare you.

There is constant pressure on us single women to lower our standards; it is not about waiting for who you deserve, it’s about making the available desirable, and the world will not stop reminding us about that educated woman who married an uneducated bus driver, and succeeded in her marriage. Society will not stop pointing at that lady who married the unemployed man and is now the happiest wife on earth. Of course, they will not forget to point out that woman who earns more than her husband, so she gives him her salary and lets him decide what should be done with it. With your education, exposure, and independence, you’re still single because you are looking for a man who has everything you have, and more…. Like that is some kind of crime.

I watched a 25 year old doctor break down in tears on TV during the course of a dating show. She had her standards, very reasonable ones if I might add. She didn’t want a guy who drinks because she’d had a bad experience with an alcoholic in her past, and she wanted him to be a man who had a good relationship with God. This was a 25 year old medical doctor who was beautiful, and seemed to have excelled against all odds. Sadly, everyone, including the men themselves thought her requirements were just too high. She ended up in tears, like many of us have, wondering if we will ever meet this dream man.

Do not lower your standards except you can tolerate the lowered version! The reason many women end up brokenhearted over and over again is not necessarily because some men are jerks; it is sometimes because as women we tell ourselves to give an undeserving man a chance, because we might find happiness in the relationship. We lower our standards and instead of allowing kings into our lives, we open the door for clowns and jesters. We keep lowering our standards until we start to doubt our identity, and we find that  with the barest minimum, we are unhappy.

I have come to learn that it is OK to want whatever it is that you want. If you want him to be tall, dark, handsome, and successful, and a good man, you should not apologize for it. Stay true to that, and you will get it! Stop compromising stupidly, and then spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself it was worth it. From experience, I can tell you compromising to a point you can’t handle will only bring you loads of regret. You will ask yourself why you stooped so low, and you’ll always be on the lookout for someone better. What on earth is the point of the relationship in that case?

Stop lowering your standards except you can cope; I love men who are drop-dead gorgeous but it doesn’t hurt me to date a man who’s just good-looking, as long as he’s not an eye sore, and I don’t foresee my children being teased on the school playground. When it comes to drive, ambition, achievements, success, intellectual conversations and emotional maturity, those are non-negotiable! I should probably feel bad for wanting so much, but I don’t, and you shouldn’t too. You’ve worked hard to be where you are; you are still working hard to be where you want to be. Why should you aim lower when you can reach higher? XOXO

My Dad and his Old, Trusted Radio

My dad has a radio; a radio that has defied the rules of nature and managed to stay in one piece till this very moment. As far as I can remember my childhood, this radio has been catered for and loved by my dad. I often wondered as a teenager if my dad understood how embarrassing it was for his teenage children that he still carried this old  radio around, with its antenna stretched. Every morning, the hum of this radio woke us all, in the evenings, it kept us company with international news, and even when we were stuck in traffic, my dad brought out his old and trusted radio, stretched out the antenna and enjoyed himself. We soon came to the hard realization that my dad had no plans of parting with his radio. Our conclusion was not as a result of lack of trial. Oh we tried…we bought iPod docks and iPods, we bought modern day CD players, and even tried our best to convince him to give these new gadgets a shot but he didn’t budge, and we know he’s not going to anytime soon so really, we have decided to let him be.

I recently had nostalgic thoughts of home, and I found myself laughing at the many times my siblings and I were exasperated because of dad’s old and trusted radio. In the midst of my laughter, I learned a lesson: my dad’s loyalty to his old and trusted radio is something we should emulate in our relationships.

Aren’t we all like my dad’s old and trusted radio? I mean aren’t our partners just like dad’s old radio? Fancy when we first meet them, in vogue, keeping up with all the trends, fit and firm bodies, and generally wrinkle-free? But as time goes on, they age, the beauty fades, and the bodies change. They take some battering from life and we realize they just can’t stay wrinkle-free forever. Women have kids and develop stretch marks against their will, they gain weight against their will, and with everything so busy, there just isn’t enough time to look like Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez. Men also change, although women are more more tolerant to that fact. They develop pot bellies, and begin to snore like the coal trains from back in the day. This is not to say we become less attractive as we age, but we certainly change, and sometimes our partners or even us ourselves get irritated by the changing and  aging…

So we seek newer models; younger versions that look and feel better. Younger versions that are still in vogue because suddenly we believe our partners who are now like old radios need to be replaced. We let our eyes wander and we feed our desire for ‘something different’, something better than that ‘old hag’ who is always standing over the stove cooking, she doesn’t even do her manicure anymore, or that ‘fat pig’ who is too tired after a hard day at work and just snores all night. Of course it would be easier to just dump this ‘piece of garbage’ and go for a newer model…. Dad’s love for his radio taught me differently.

See, I learned that the reason dad never gave up on his radio and went to any lengths to fix it when it was broken was because dad was well aware of what his radio was made of. You see, my dad is a retired telecommunications engineer who was into the development of electronics at some point, so he knew for sure what his radio had in it. He valued what his radio was made of, and he cared for his radio genuinely. I often found him polishing it and cleaning off the dust particles that clung to the speakers, and everyday when dad left the house with his radio, it was shiny and sparkly.

Take a lesson from my dad and his old trusted radio. Instead of dumping that ‘old hag’ or that ‘fat pig’, start caring for them, Starting polishing them and removing the dust particles. Switching to a newer model? Not worth the stress; that newer model will come with bugs, and require regular operating system updates that your old model does not require, because your old model is built to last for life…if only you’d care for it.

Relieve your partner where you can, share his or her burden. Be a pillar of positive encouragement and care genuinely like you’d like to be cared for. Remember why you chose that person in the first place, the priceless values they possess and the light you saw in them that attracted you. Of course they will age, you’ll get used to being with this same person, you may even get tired of being with this person while your colleagues seem to constantly flash their newer models in your face, but remember, newer models will age too, they will become annoying and they will probably not be made up of the solid stuff your older model had. XOXO

Do You Have a Partner for Life?

Reading time: 5 minutes

I am probably the biggest fan of the Amazing Race; it’s one show I NEVER miss. It doesn’t matter which continent I may find myself, trust me to either stream the episode online or hunt down the channel that shows it. Last night, I was seated on the couch, waiting for the final episode of the Amazing Race Australia. My heart threatened to fall out out of my chest, because it beat so fast, you’d have sworn a relative of mine was on the show. I was excited and couldn’t wait to see which team made it to the finish line first. Of course I had my favorites but at that point, three out of eleven teams remained and it all boiled down to a formidable partnership.

My favorite team so far! Yay! for girl power! [photo culled from http://www.news.com.au]

For clarification purposes, the amazing race is literally a race around the world. As an entrant, you are expected to choose a teammate. During the course of the race, you will be subjected to tasks that put you under pressure, tasks that test your skills both individually and as a team, and tasks that test your relationship. Of course, completing each task requires excellent communication, acknowledgement ad appreciation. Husbands get frustrated with wives that can’t keep up, and wives get mad at husbands who can’t read maps (you know, because men are just bad at reading maps). But here’s an epiphany I had: You cannot complete the race if you have a partner that gives up!

I realized after watching the finale for Amazing Race Australia season 1yesterday, that marriage, courtship, relationships…whatever stage you may be is just like the amazing race. You are a participant in the show and you have to choose a partner. Of course, many people choose their spouse; it only makes logical sense to do so. However, when the pressure builds, they start to crack, and you really start to hear what they think of their spouses. They get angry, they yell and they fight! And all of that is normal…except giving up should never be a choice!

Dave and Rachel won eight legs of the race, and eventually won the final leg

to become season winners [photo culled from cbs.com]

This show made me ponder…how many people in relationships have a partner for life? Like really, do you have a partner who’s there to stick with you through thick and thin? Like the amazing race, relationships have their moments. There are times when you win because the tasks or problems at hand can be easily resolved by both of you. But what happens when you fail your partner because the task was just not to your strengths or skills? How does it all end? Does your partner bail on you, or does he encourage you to try harder, without being the least bit condescending? Relationships are sometimes tough, and they can be emotional roller coasters every now and then. It is important to choose a partner who will stand by you. A loyal partner will always be there for you, uplifting you, talking you through fear when you have to walk on a tight rope, and holding your hand through a difficult task.

Many of us do not have life partners; we have partners that are simply good for the moment we’re in; partners who threaten to break up after every petty quarrel, partners who get scared because things are moving too fast because really they never planned for things to get that far, partners who are constantly on the lookout for a better person- they expect you to play your role while they have other people auditioning for it, partners who are simply with us for what we have to offer, and once we hit a little bump in life, they wave goodbye and move on to someone else. These are the partners many of us have settled for, hoping that they won’t bail, when really we know in the depths of our hearts that they can barely wait!

It’s time to be honest with yourself! Before you choose a partner, think about it like you are going to the amazing race, except you’ll be running this race forever. You will face difficulties along the way, you’ll have successes to celebrate too. You will face tasks you can’t figure out quickly enough, you will get irritated with each other, you may even scream and fight because the other person just doesn’t see everything the way you do, but the important thing is even at the peak of your anger and frustration, your partner genuinely cares and is willing to work with you till the very end.

Uchenna and Joyce won season 7 of the race. Joyce cut her hair becauseshe was told it will bring her and her husband good luck! [photo culled from amazingrace.wikia.com]

Understand very clearly that the essence of the race is not to win your partner, but rather to win with your partner, so you need to ask yourself if your choice of a partner is someone who wants to work with you, or win against you. If during the course of this amazing race called a relationship, all your partner wants to do is outshine you for the sake of the cameras, then you do not have a partner for life. A partner who intends to be with you for life will uplift you and celebrate you when you’ve done a great job! That same partner will encourage you when you’re struggling and will understand when you fail, that you are not perfect.

Do not settle for a partner who is standing by the door, waiting to bail on you. The best teams I’ve seen on the amazing race are the teams who understood the importance of working together against all odds, apologizing after they did wrong and did not let the thought of giving up on each other cross their minds! So again, I ask you, do you have a partner for life? XOXO.

P.S: I wonder when the amazing race is coming to South Africa. I so want to take part, although I’m left with the tricky issue of who to go with #SingleGirlProblems! *sigh! I may just move to Australia or the US!

Have You Heard From God Regarding Your Future Spouse?

As published on covenantrelationships.org

Before you walk down the aisle, it is a key factor that you are sure your future spouse is the one. While many people may rely on pure intuition and emotions, there are people who rely on directions from God. No one wants to marry the wrong person, that’s for sure, but how do you know for sure that the person you’ve chosen is the one for you?

I recently read a couple of posts about women who were in search of a future partner. Both women had solid friendships with men who were prayerful, strong in the church and could chase demons for a hundred miles without growing weary. These characteristics seemed attractive, but for some reason, these women were unsure of whether or not they wanted to go forward. One of them stated clearly that her dilemma laid in the fact that she was yet to meet any other guy at 25, and in spite of the obvious lack of attraction to this godly brother, she was willing to walk into marriage with him. It made me question the growing desire to know for sure that we’re indeed in a relationship with the right person. How do we know it is a union God has blessed?
Some people are downright lucky; they see things in their dreams, have visions, and sometimes through a bible verse, have a clear indication of what to do an where to go. For some of us, we might not have any subtle whispers or storming voices, but we have peace regarding our decision; our genuine happiness sometimes is an indication of God’s blessing. Unfortunately, this latter form of communication seems insufficient for some, and they go looking for anyone they believe is already the epitome of perfection. Surely God would only bless a union between a choir mistress and a pastor, right?
I believe strongly that God speaks to each one of us through our hearts, and his greatest gift is peace. If you are with your seemingly perfect brother but have no peace, then you are not in the right place. Contrary to growing Christian beliefs, attraction is a key factor in marriage too. Attraction is not something that ought to come with time, it should be something you feel from the start of the relationship. Pushing it aside simply because you want to adhere to the rules of perfection is a recipe for disaster. Before I ask my friends if they have peace where their future spouse is concerned, I always ask “are you genuinely attracted to your partner’s character?” This I believe is the foundation many have abandoned in the pursuit for perfection, rather than the pursuit of happiness. Do share your thoughts. XOXO

Kick him To The Curb!

That’s the advice many of our female friends are quick to give us.

“He didn’t answer your calls? Girl kick him to the curb!”

“He hasn’t called you back after half an hour, he’s cheating, kick his ass to the curb!”

“He smiled at his neighbor when she walked past him? He’s a pig! Kick his damn ass to the curb!”

annoyed-lady-on-phone

*sigh* *deep breath* poor men do not stand a chance against the barrage of bad advice many of us receive and follow. We live in the ‘no nonsense’ age where we are out to prove no one can take us for a ride. Our risks are calculated, our relationships are like jobs or tasks that must be completed with us coming out on top, and well, our jobs are like badges that we wear to show how much we are worth, how good we are, and how well we know our stuff. Woe betides the man that thinks he can slip up while he’s with us! His ass will be roasting nicely on the curb once we’re done with him. All these things play like endless blu ray movies in our heads,and we wonder why our relationships don’t last!

Men are not perfect; women aren’t either! We are all imperfect regardless of how careful we are about our decisions. Why then do we women expect men to be the epitome of perfection? Why do we get angry at the tiny little things that can be overlooked? So he doesn’t call you back after half an hour, does that mean he’s cheating? So he doesn’t run around to fulfill your every desire, does that mean he’s not worth your time? So he doesn’t empty his bank account so you can have the latest designer bag, does that mean he’s a loser?

I struggle to comprehend the thought patterns of women these days; the reasons relationships are being discarded like toilet paper are so hilarious, I sometimes think people are joking! What I do know is that these days, many of us concentrate on what our men are doing wrong. We concentrate on the fact that he doesn’t bring us breakfast in bed like Angela’s boyfriend does, he doesn’t open the car door for us when we are going out like Sally’s boyfriend, and he doesn’t always understand our PMS behaviors, temper tantrums and emotional roller-coasters…. Well, here’s news for you- he is not designed to be an exact replica of Angela’s boyfriend, nor is he a siamese twin of Sally’s boyfriend. He’s different and he loves you . he shows his love in ways that are different and slips up more often than you’d like. Is that  a reason to kick his ass to the curb? NOPE!

Stop focusing on only the negatives; discuss them if you have to, but don’t dwell on them. Understand that your man is human, doesn’t have psychic abilities, and just like you, is subject to extenuating circumstances every now and then. Be more understanding; no relationship can work without tolerance and understanding.

Merry Christmas in advance!

How Much Should You Give Up For Love?

This question tugged at the strings of my heart for weeks after I returned home from an eye-opening conference. I was privileged to be selected to attend a conference designed to empower young women who are just embarking on the inception of their careers. I may have been partly prepared for the awesome experience but I was in no way prepared for some of the horror stories that made me question what was more important. Some of the women who came to address us at the conference spoke about how they had to sacrifice something for their careers, and in most cases, that the sacrificial lamb was marriage.

I couldn’t help but wonder….how did my mom, my aunts and so many other strong, ‘career-driven yet married’ women do it? Do we have to sacrifice one thing to get the other or can we have it all? Why are women often expected to drop their dreams and aspirations and become someone else? How on earth did my mother manage her career, get to the top, yet kept the whole family happy and intact? Do women who have it all have some sort of super powers that makes everything fall into place? Hmmm…I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of this train of thought and the answer I have arrived at is “No, women who have it all do not have super powers. They do not give up anything for love”.

CareerWoman

As women, we are emotional beings; that in itself is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we are a pleasure to work with, we are sensitive to the feelings of others and we tend to possess higher emotional intelligence. It is a curse because based on our emotions, we are willing and ready to throw away dreams we have held dear for so many years! When we fall in love, we tend to change our dreams to fit that of the man who has managed to steal our hearts. Some of us throw away all our dreams and aspirations altogether. Afterall, according to society’s standards, if we are married, we are the epitome of success. Society says marriage is all we need to feel fulfilled….society couldn’t be more wrong!

iStock_000000934163XSmall

STOP giving up your dreams for the sake of love. It is very unhealthy! If a man expects you to give up your dreams and aspirations so  you can become half of him, then it is time for you to hit the curb, wave goodbye and start walking. I know… I know…marriage is based on compromise, but sacrificing your identity just so someone else can be happy is not the type of compromise you want to make. Not only does it result in a dissatisfied you, it will cause resentment to build up in your relationship over time. You are one whole individual with whole dreams and aspirations! Any compromise in your relationship should be geared towards finding middle ground so both of you can achieve the dreams you desire.

Many women eventually have to give up love because they realize sometimes a little too late that it cannot replace the feeling of pursuing and achieving their dreams. The love they abandoned everything for evolves into something else that may be sustainable but may also be a routine- a routine they didn’t plan for because they thought they’d have butterflies everyday and talk long walks in the park. Surprise surprise when the mister who did not give up on his dream has to work late, has to travel to meetings, has interesting issues to discuss at the dinner table and they have nothing to say except “Sally got 80% on her maths test”. Inevitably, such women will start to long for the dreams they abandoned, they will long for the life they desired before Mr. X came into the picture and slowly, they will start to rebel against the terms and conditions Mr X has grown very comfortable with. irreconcilable Differences becomes the term of their divorce and Mr X is angry that he was deceived. ‘She agreed we’d move to New York; I’d work and she’d stay home with the kids. She’s so selfish!’ Well…can’t blame him for something you agreed to in the first place.

Stop giving up your whole self to be half of someone else. Don’t let go of your dreams simply because you believe someone else’s dream is more important. All those women I know who have it all, stood their ground from day one! If Mr. wanted to move to Los Angeles, the question they asked was “Can I pursue my dream in Los Angeles?” Stop giving up everything for love. As a woman, your dreams are important too! Your aspirations are important too! If you make this clear from the beginning, a man who truly wants you in his life will understand he must take your dreams into consideration before he makes any life-changing decisions. However, if you give him the impression that your dreams can be swept under the carpet, well….that’s what you’ll get!

How much should you give up for love? Nothing! True love won’t make you half of who you truly are. XOXO

Before You Let Go, Throw a Tantrum!

You’re probably rubbing your eyes or cleaning your glasses to make sure you read that title right. This is not a dream, I am encouraging you to throw a tantrum when you have to! 

The word ‘maturity’ is overused, over-flogged and misunderstood in so many ways, especially in relationships. When someone comes along, sweeps you off your feet, takes you on a magic carpet ride and then tells you “Oh I’m married” or “I have a girl I’m seeing and I’m madly in love with her”, the dictates of maturity expect that you should go to your room, cry your eyes out, eat a two litre bowl of ice cream and just curl up in your bed beneath your sheets like a puppy that was beaten down by torrential rain. Of course sentences like “just let go”, “leave him, God will judge” “your man is coming”, “give him the silent treatment” “keeping quiet is for your own good” “If you say something to him, he might use it against you”….bla bla bla don’t help the situation! Yet they are the ones we listen to! So we end up walking around with brokenness, with sealed steam inside of us, slowly destroying us and hardening our hearts till we suddenly find ourselves in a place where we are singing “all I want to do is find a way back into love” Yeah, how has that been working out for you? Welcome to the era of tantrum fixers!

Adult_Woman_Throwing_a_Temper_Tantrum_Kicking_and_Screaming_on_the_Floor_Royalty_Free_Clipart_Picture_110707-145699-074012

It’s time to dump complacency and learn how to tell douche bags to go to hell. And no, you don’t do it with the silent treatment, throw a tantrum that will make you feel like going to sleep soundly afterwards. And you don’t throw the tantrum while you are locked up alone in your room, pick up the phone, or go to the man responsible for the brokenness you feel and make him understand how angry you are! Do it with all your energy, do it with attitude. Erm…just in case he is physically abusive, I suggest you do it over the phone and change postcodes immediately after.

We women are so funny; we tend to shy away from confrontation, we agree to be ‘just friends’ after someone has hurt us deeply and we’d rather weigh ourselves down with sadness than enjoy the release that comes from telling a man exactly what we think of him. We have taken maturity way too far, that’s why we end up not letting go! When he comes back around a second, third, fourth or even fifth time, we are ‘mature’ enough to forgive and ‘go with the flow’ until he plunges yet another knife into our hearts. My oh my! Talk about an adept fail-proof plan for self-destruction. While we are aligning all these missiles we intend to shoot ourselves with, the main reason for our hurt has moved on, blissfully unaware of our anger or pain, and ready to move on to his next target. Aha…let him share the burden a little. Let him experience a bit of the storm too. He may act like he doesn’t care, but deep inside, his stomach will be growling unpleasantly and perhaps he will experience a few heart palpitations when he recalls your harsh words nicely laced with the assurance of karma. 

Businesswoman Shouting at Cell Phone

 

Throw a tantrum! Tell him exactly what you feel! And no don’t apologise for it. If you think he’s a coward, jeez, strap on a pair and tell him, instead of letting him play ‘mini mini mani mo’ with your feelings. It doesn’t mean you won’t cry, it doesn’t mean you will hurt less but believe me, your healing time will be quicker because just like crying, there is a sweet release you get from telling someone that’s taking advantage of you to go to hell and combust into ashes. People might say “what if he wants to come back for a second chance, don’t say anything to him”… HUH???!!!! Do you want a man that has used you, treated you like trash and dumped you by the ‘roadside’ to come back? Come back for what? Scene one take two? Release yourself! It is more difficult to move on from someone that hurt you when you keep quiet about how angry you are. And it is even more difficult to let go of someone when there was no ‘official fight’. So if you really want to let go, create that official fight now and release yourself! The golden rule to this technique? delete every memory of him afterwards and when you bump into him, don’t ‘act mature’ and go say hi. What on earth is that about? Walk past him! It doesn’t mean you’re stoill angry as many people assume, it’s because he has no place in your life and shouldn’t be entertained.

Instead of acting mature, act like a child! Not a spoilt child, but a child that knows why she is so angry and knows that anger is justified in every way. 

XOXO have a fab weekend!

Single Women Don’t Need Advice

Well, at least we don’t need unsolicited advice. There is a recent hike in articles aimed at single women, pointing out what they are doing wrong, why they are still single and how it will be difficult for them to find suitable partners if they keep walking down the same path. Oh dear! Sometimes, these articles make me roll my eyes while other times, I am tempted to write a lengthy response to the author and ask ….”what do you know about being a woman?”

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Single women are always on the receiving end of unsolicited advice; be it from a bitter guy that expresses his anger of rejection by giving insults masked as advice, or a newly married friend who believes she has crossed the threshold into success and can stand in the position to give advice. Don’t even get me started on that rollEyes

Dear avid single women advisers, you are targeting the wrong audience! Single women are not the ones that are in desperate need of advice and guidance, single men are. I don’t understand the way society leans to favour women and put women at the fault of everything that is not working. If a relationship ends drastically because a man was cheating, society will say “Oh…she overreacted”. If a woman gains a bit of weight after four kids, then the words “she let herself go” is at the tip of every woman’s tongue, the same is hardly ever said for a man with a pot belly or even mind numbing body odour. The saying “a wise woman builds her home” has been taken out of context to mean “a woman bears the entire burden of making her relationship or marriage work”, and sadly, fellow women are the ones propagating these thoughts. When will men start to take some responsibility???!!! Are they infants?

Sometimes when I read some articles, I wonder why they have the undertone of the woman needing the relationship more than the man, hence she needs to put in more work. Where on earth did that come from?! The desperate acts of women to get hitched or the societal generalization that women are lesser beings and should bear the brunt of everything. STOP advising women! Start advising men! Advise men to stop cheating, to stop feeling intimidated and to stop acting like they are the prize and women are just puppets on a stage! Advice men to stop using women and start caring for them, to stop going into relationships when they know for sure that they intend to leave the poor woman high and dry. The way society has shifted, men need advice more than women! Stop telling women how to act to attract men while the man is given the free reins to use and dispose as he pleases. Single women don’t need all the unnecessary unsolicited advice that only addresses one side of the coin and leaves the other untouched. that horse I daresay has been over-flogged. Move on to the next please.

 

Know Where You Stand! Define Your Relationship!

I’m not asking you to declare intentions of marriage after one week of knowing each other, nor am I asking that you completely eradicate the foundation of friendship in your relationship. I am simply asking that you should be aware of where you stand in a relationship to avoid being caught in a ‘situation-ship’.

It is very common these days that everyone wants to ‘go with the flow’ to avoid losing out on being with someone they really like or sending the wrong message across. By the wrong message, I mean, many of us don’t want to be considered as ‘playing unnecessarily hard to get’, ‘prudish’ or ‘simply difficult’. That is understandable but how far is too far when the relationship you are investing so much time in, is not defined in any way.

These days, many individuals approach the opposite sex without knowing what they want exactly from a relationship or even what they can offer, besides superficial qualities. They believe it is ok to be in doubt about a person but still string that person along, and when the ‘where is this heading?’ discussion is placed on the table, there is a babble about how they don’t know what they want, or they care but just can’t commit, bla bla bla. My advice? If a person is not sure they want to be with you, it’s a diplomatic way of saying they really don’t want to be with you but wouldn’t mind if you keep them happy till the one they are looking for comes along.

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Know where you stand before you decide to go with the flow. It is so easy to be carried away on a wave of emotions and believe it will end in a beautiful fairytale. Perhaps it might but it, will help you to know what you mean to someone. People say relationship definitions don’t make a difference; I beg to differ. Defining what you share with someone can help you draw the necessary boundaries. I always tell people there are different categories in my social circle – acquaintances, friends, family, colleagues, and interesting strangers. Everyone should know their place so things don’t get awkward. Same way, relationships should be defined so things don’t become excruciatingly awkward. If a guy has been hovering over you for months with no declaration of his intentions (courtship, marriage or friendship), it is time to ask him to clear the air. Don’t go with the flow that one day you may magically kiss and everything will fall into place. Back in the day, that was a precious thought. These days, the word ‘selfish’ has been personified and walks around in skirts or pants, looking for who to use without losing anything. Do yourself a favour-know where you stand!

XOXO