Ladies, Just Started Dating? Here are Five Ground Rules For You

I wrote this post for the covenant relationship blog, and I just had to share it here as well with followers of motivation springs.

People say there are no rules regarding relationships, hence couples are free to decide what they want in their relationship and how they want their interactions to play out. While that is a very nice disposition to have as it helps you avoid being swept away by society’s wave of how relationships should play out, it is important to know that you can only get to that stage if you follow some well-defined ground rules.

Usually, when people start a new relationship, they tend to throw caution to the wind and allow a lot of misdeeds in order to avoid coming across as ‘too complicated’. This is very common with women who are often so excited to be in a relationship, they will do anything to make sure it works. Before you set out to do anything to make your relationship work, here are five ground rules you may want to consider.

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#1 Don’t Lay Down Your Insecurities: Many people in a bid to come across as real, and quit beating around the bush often start their relationships by listing out all the things they are insecure about. “I feel like my complexion is uneven”, “Sorry my apartment is not halfway as fancy as yours”, “I wonder if you’ll leave me for someone who’s more educated later on”…. These are the different insecurities people express at the beginning of  a relationship that immediately reduce their worth in the eyes of their new partner. Oh yes, it sounds like that partner is  a jerk, but truly, your vague expressions of what you lack show that you value yourself based on what you have, and by expressing them, you are teaching your partner to value you the same way too. Some women have believe this will make them closer to their new partner quicker and he can immediately assume his role as prince charming. Free advice from me? It does not work.

#2 Don’t Accept Everything: Some people are really desperate to be in relationships, even more desperate than they would like to admit. These are the people who accept all kinds of disrespectful behavior just so they can tell others they are with someone. You are better off on your own than being with a person who cheats on you, compares you to other people or gets irritated by you for being yourself, and feels the need to change you. Believe me when I tell you whatever you compromise yourself to keep, you will eventually lose.

#3 Don’t Play a Role; Play yourself! A role suggests that you are taking on an identity you have read about somewhere. Many women are guilty of this. The moment they start dating a guy, they switch to wife and mother mode. This is because women have been told they have to prove they are worth the commitment of marriage. They go to his home to cook and clean. They do his laundry, rearrange his closet, and try to establish their place in his life by acting like the madam of the house. It is not your duty to crown yourself as the madam of his home when he hasn’t even mentioned his intentions to marry you. It is not your duty to push him to propose either. It is his duty to establish your place in his life, and if he can’t do that, never forget you can use the door.

Rather than aiming to play a role,

aim to have loads of fun!

#4 Don’t be in a haste to do the deed: There is a lot more satisfaction that comes from delayed gratification, and there is nothing that brings more confusion and hurt than unripe sexual gratification in a new relationship. Take your time, what’s the rush? Showing him early on that you are a hybrid of Jackie Chan and Nicki Minaj in bed does not guarantee anything. He might even end up marrying someone who’s a nun compared to you, so take your time.

#5 Don’t apologize for the way you live your life: Yes, there are certain compromises that need to be made in order to make a relationship work, but they should not be compromises that will make you feel like you are being abused, used or forced to adopt a new way of life. Many people don’t know who they are anymore because they are always adapting themselves to whoever they are dating. If you are one of those people, here’s  a harsh truth you should know: Many people who often say they want a very particular type of person are usually unhappy with you when you change to become that person. So what is the point really? Be yourself! Flaws can be gently tweaked, and excesses can be curbed but your individuality should never be at stake during the process. Love who you are, accept it and DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR IT. XOXO

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Nigerians, Boundaries, and Hypocrisy… It Just Never Ends

Where do I start this post which is clearly directed at my fellow Nigerians? My dear Naija people who I’ve grown to love and despise at the same time? I have spent days pondering how to compose this post, and many times, I left it unwritten with the biggest open-ended question on my mind as I lay my head to sleep – why don’t Nigerians understand boundaries? Especially when it comes to women.

So a young lady, say age 23 graduates from university with an undergraduate degree and decides to purse a postgrad degree; my naija people will be there showing their unwarranted concern for her future.

“Are you sure you want to pursue a postgraduate degree now?”

“Won’t it be in your better interest to find a husband first and build a home? School will always be there, but men are hard to find if you are too educated.”

At this point, the lady in question is faced with two choices – to subscribe to the Nigerian model of success and find a husband quick! or to be labelled a rebel and face the unending whispers behind her back. No matter what choice she makes from this point on, she will be torn. If she manages to find the man and drag him to the altar in due time to assure the concerned pokenosers that she has the ability to get and keep a man, she will always wonder if she should have followed her dreams. If she goes on to choose her postgraduate degree, she will always wonder if love would have found her if she wasn’t buried in books all the time. Perhaps she can choose to do both. She can prove to be a superwoman and bag a man and a place in a postgraduate study classroom. It will not make things any easier for her.

“So when are you going to have kids? You know if you don’t start popping them soon, he will go to another woman.”

And so the battle begins to have children at all costs; not to please herself but to prevent the prophecies of ‘boundary-less’ pokenosers from coming true. The pokenosers who do not understand the pressure she’s under, the desire she has to be child-free or perhaps the reproductive battles she’s facing with her husband. They want her to start popping the children asap to prove she’s not a disgrace to her family. Failure to comply will obviously get the rumour mill going –

“She must have aborted so many pregnancies as a teenager, her womb is damaged”

“You know I figured she was barren. In fact the spirit ministered it to me. We have to keep praying for her.”

Let’s say she has a child- a male or a female child, and decides to let her nether regions rest from the torture she face during labour? They show up again at her doorstep.

“A woman with one child is like a woman with one eye. If that eye is blinded, she has nothing to fall back on. You need to intensify your efforts to make another baby, preferably of the opposite sex from your first, so your family can be balanced.”

Oh yes… it never ends. After the children arrive, they will ask when she and her husband intend to buy their own house. They will have an opinion on which schools the children should go to, and how long they should stay at school. They will throw shade at her life’s choices and expect her to silently accept their criticism and intrusion. If she tries to defend her choices, they are quick to attribute her defensiveness to any failures they can find in her life.

“We are advising you and you’re getting pissed? This is why your husband has been winking at the bread seller down the street.”

It will not help her case if she is unmarried, childless, a high career achiever, and defensive of her life’s choices.

“Aww. Sit down there o. Men will keep passing you by with this attitude of yours. Be acting like your career will keep you warm at night.”

Even if she is not defensive, she’s not exempt from questions that will make her question her ‘loveability’, her attractiveness, or make her wonder if she under a spiritual spell that causes men to pass her by.

“You are 27? Why are you not married?”

“I know a pastor who has delivered many women from spirit husbands (yes that’s a thing in Nigeria). Those women are happily married today o. If you are ready, I can take you there.”

If she starts talking about standards?

“You need to lower your standards, and stop aiming too high. When I married my husband, he wasn’t even educated and look at where we are today.”

“At your age, I already had two children!”

“Hope you know your biological clock is ticking? Consider any man that approaches you. Afterall, man na man!”

It even gets worse for an unmarried Nigerian woman who is seen to be possessed by the demons of westernization.

“Why would you buy such a fancy car? Which man will approach you now?”

“If you enjoy the money you make too much, men will avoid you like a plague.”

“So what if he cheated? You want to leave so another woman can be the madam of the house? I pity you!”

To say I am baffled at the lack of respect for people’s personal choices, vision, and life is sincerely an understatement. I don’t understand how people think it is OK to approach an individual they barely know and start to give unsought advice on issues that are clearly very personal! In fact, they even tell you whether or not you should simply relocate and give up on everything you’ve built in a foreign country.

“If I were you, I’ll move back to Nigeria to find a job” – this is coming from a fellow Nigerian who is sitting comfortably in an office in the United States, and constantly testifying to anyone who would listen that the grace of God delivered him from the unpredictable hustle and bustle of naija.

The same Nigerians who will tell you to marry an uneducated shop keeper in spite of your collection of advanced degrees will be nowhere to be found when the insecure shop keeper starts to pummel you into a pulp due to his heartfelt inadequacies and insecurities.

The same Nigerians who tell you to endure the community penis you married will be the same people saying “she was too stupid” at your funeral when you die of HIV.

Nigerians have no boundaries and they dwell in hypocrisy every single day. I have given up on trying to defend my life’s choices to them, or explain why I am still single at 26. I simply plaster a smile on my face that says “carry on” while I think of what to cook for dinner. Yes, I don’t listen. The pressure from their probing masked as concern does not get to me. I eat pressure for breakfast on a daily basis and snack on it during the weekends. I have enough pressure; there’s no room for more unnecessary ones. I smile at the ones that suggest I go and find a job in Nigeria so I can meet eligible bachelors to marry, same way I smile at the ones who remind me to lay my standards by the riverside and consider every proposition.

My naija people, biko, e jo, Don Allah, stop probing! Mind 👏 your👏 own👏 business👏. We young women will be just fine. If we need someone to talk to, we will call you. If we need advice we will ask you. If an issue lays heavy on our hearts and we feel you are the right person to broach it with, we will bring it up. Stop trying to direct where and how people’s lives should go. You have yours; face it squarely. Stop telling us how to breathe. If you are worth emulating as examples, we will emulate you. Thank you for all the advice o but God is the director of everyone’s life. Nagode; daalu; a dupe o.

Lies Single Women Tell Themselves

Single women lie to themselves- that is not news. Married women lie to single women- Oh! Are you surprised?! Sometimes, people feed us with information to sway our desires and decisions to suit the lifestyles they already live…. I will address this in a later post.

Today, I was working on my book when this topic came to mind- lies we single women tell ourselves and the lies society has made us believe. These are the lies that mostly influence our relationship decisions and lead to so many of us living unhappy discontent lives by the time we are 40, married with three kids and worried about the bank coming to repossess the house.

#1 The ‘Display Your Personal Assets’ lie: These days, the belief of this lie is conspicuous in the way women carry themselves. some of us call it the effects of modernization while I just call it selling yourself cheap; whatever the case, we can all agree that this is one lie that hurts us women today even though we struggle to accept it. In case you are still wondering what this is about, I am referring to the new dress code women have adopted- boobs hanging out, legs and half of our butts exposed…then we go on dates and claim we want a man who is after God’s heart. How exactly will that work? This dress code stems from the belief that men want a woman who is sexy and is not afraid to display it. Afterall, these are the kinds of women getting married these days- no doubt but the question is what kind of man are they married to? Is that the kind of man you would like to marry? Can any man take you serious when the whole world can see your nipples and your butt hanging out on a date? The truth is this: Men like excitement and thrill but once they are done with the treat, they throw the lady in a ‘tool box’ of tools they will only open when they feel like it and she may not even be the tool of choice. Let a man see you for what is in your head and your heart, not what should be hidden beneath your clothes.  Displaying your assets will not attract men, it will attract dogs that are simply hungry for a piece of meat. When the meat is all chowed up, be sure some more dogs will come for the bones, until there is no evidence left of the meat…well, besides some cartilage pieces.

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#2 Poverty breeds good behaviour: LIE LIE LIE!!!! i don’t know where this came from but it really bothers me. These days, when a wealthy couple’s marriage end in divorce, many people are lined up and ready to point out that money i snot everything, it doesn’t bring happiness and bla bla.And living in a shack does? Ladies please!!!! Many of our married friends that married down are quick to point out how rosy things are for them but the truth they don’t tell you is how bent their backs are from carrying the dead weight of their husbands.Many women believe when a man has nothing, he is automatically a good person, while a financially stable man has a higher chance of being abusive and unavailable in marriage, hence women date down. Stop lying to yourself. That philosophy does not hold. If a man has nothing, that is dangerous to you, not just financially but emotionally too! Are you aware of what he might become when he starts to make it? I always say that you know a man when he has power and money by the way he treats himself, those below him and those around him. You can’t know anything about a man who is on the floor! If you ask him to lick your ass, he will because he doesn’t have any status to refuse! I’m not saying some poor men are not good but being poor is not the prerequisite for good behaviour. Hint: always aspire for a man who is on the same level as you are or higher! Dating down is self-crime!Image

For more on this, check out my post on gold digging here–>  https://ladydacreme.wordpress.com/2013/10/25/be-a-gold-digger/

#3 Potential Is All I Need to See: This one cracks me up; I am sure you are surprised because this is a statement that is very common amongst single women. Everyone talks about potential, potential and more potential. Lady, EVERY LIVING BEING HAS POTENTIAL! As long as a person is alive and breathing, he has the potential to turn his life in any direction, a drug addict has the potential to change, a child that is terrible at maths has the potential to become better….with practice. In other words, POTENTIAL IS NOT ENOUGH! Action is what you need to see. I have the potential to become a best-selling author in a year or two but I don’t see that happening if i laze around on the couch all day and do nothing. I can write a whole book but it’s not going anyway if I don’t get an agent, a publisher or the whole nine yards. Potential just won’t do! You need to see him in action, making changes in his life and striving to make sure life is better for both of you. Many women are in the potential trap, growing grey hairs, don’t be one of them!

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#4 Men will be intimidated If I’m Intelligent: Yea…this is one many of us that have dared to venture into the world of postgraduate studies face. Our mothers even get scared for us..”You are pursuing a PhD? Where will you find a man?” Oh well! *shrug*… I should do a post on lies our mothers told us. Anyway, back to the point; if a man is intimidated by your achievements, he is not the man for you. An oppressed man expresses himself in different ways- he is either a wimp or a monster. The ‘wimpy’ ones are willing to lick your feet, unable to take a decision about their own lives and will nicely sit around like lap dogs until you throw them a ball to fetch. The monsters on the other hand want you to know who wears the pants in the relationship and will not miss an opportunity to talk you down or tell you how unnecessary it is for you to tell his friends what your research is about. No….they want you to sit quietly like a lap dog until they tell you to fetch, get it? They attempt to break you until you become a wimp. Sadly, many well-achieved women are attracted to the monsters because they believe that is the best bet they have, and that is certainly better than having a man that is a wimp. Wrong! None of them would do. Don’t dumb yourself down for any man and really, you don’t need to carry your achievements on your shoulders like honorary badges. Be yourself, go on dates, have fun, enjoy your life, enjoy it when a worthy man chases you and let him know you can be caught (give him a bit of a hard time, it’s just fun that way *evil grin*), but whatever you do, don’t accept that you can’t find a man because you are smart. No! The truth is, you can’t find an idiot because you are smart; he will simply faint from the aroma of your intelligence, and yeah…that’s the way it should be! 😉

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XOXO

Who’s the woman in the mirror?

I was never one to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror while growing up; it’s not because i was super confident that I’d like what i see as many people might assume. It was because i was scared I would find things I won’t like – huge pores, spots, pimples, uneven skin tone and so many other beauty mishaps that I felt were enough to make me curl into a ball and never step out the door again.

Self-esteem is one of the biggest issues plaguing society. As much as we don’t like to accept it, we are a generation filled with people who are battling low self-esteem and also battling to make sure no one can see our little secret. We spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need so we can get an ego boost when a neighbour pays us a compliment. We act like we are out to save the world so people can notice us and pay us compliments for our goodwill. Our generation is filled with men that are not ashamed to raise their hands against their wives in order to show them who’s boss! We have a new generation of men that try to make sure their wives don’t earn more than they do, don’t look too attractive and don’t have ‘too much’ freedom for fear that she might become rebellious. This post is about the ladies; I intend to address this elephant in the room with regards to men later on.

ladies, how do you see yourself?

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There is no doubt that society has already rolled out the carpet for low self-esteem with definitions about the ‘right size’, the ‘right kinds of clothes’ the ‘right type of partner to have’ bla bla bla. If you are not stick skinny, you are not beautiful, so society has made us think. If you are not working that fancy top position by 27, you have failed in life. If you are not dating a wealthy man, whose source of income you don’t even know, you are not doing well for yourself and should hide behind a rock. Says who?

These days, we refuse to let our beauty radiate from within because we have sold ourselves cheap to material things that money can buy. We define ourselves by our clothes; ‘let me buy that Jimmy Choo handbag and beg for food for the rest of the month. at least, people will respect me when they see me with a jimmy Choo accessory’. we go out of our way to please other people because we want them to like us and respect us, because that is the only way we can feel good about ourselves. We endure abusive relationships, because like a fellow blogger once said to me “we accept the kind of love we think we deserve”.

The battle to hide our low self-esteem has become a competition amongst us ladies; we compete over every trivial thing there is on the surface of the earth. Well, here’s news for you! If it is something money can buy, it should not define you! Can anyone place a value on the depth of your heart? can you find it in stores or on shelves? can you purchase that innate feeling of confidence and happiness that doesn’t come from fancy clothes or shoes but comes from you knowing who you are in Christ?

You are a princess, and it has nothing to do with you being with Prince Charming! Rather, it has everything to do with the fact that your heavenly father is a king! No doubt, nice clothes and everything else make you feel good when you walk down the street but they are nothing but a cover-up for what’s most important- your heart.

If you are battling with your weight, do something about it. Jeez! If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t let it be the reason you become a recluse. You don’t need a membership fee to walk down the street or eat healthier foods. Change the way you look if it is causing you grief. Someone once said to me “if you don’t like where you are, change it! you are not a tree.”

If you are in an abusive relationship and you believe it is the love you deserve, need I remind you that you are the peak of God’s creation? Created from man’s rib to be his partner; not from his feet to be trampled on! (for more on this, check out https://ladydacreme.wordpress.com/2013/08/30/whats-in-a-woman/) Ladies, abusive relationships are not just the ones where women get hit. Emotional and psychological abuse are worst! You do not deserve a man who talks you down or reminds you everyday of how useless you are. Can anyone walk up to the Queen of England and say that? How come you, the daughter of the king of all the earth chooses to accept such treatment? You don’t deserve it even if you have a terrible past hanging over your head (i will address this in another post soon).

It is time to stop hiding behind fancy apparel and deal with the crux of the problem. Get off the abusive relationship wagon, don’t spend money you don’t have to impress other people. Once the money disappears, they will disappear too. Fall in love with yourself everyday. Look in the mirror and smile and how wonderfully God created you. Don’t settle for less! Don’t hunt the hunter, don’t become the foot mat for anyone. Raise your head; keep your heels and standards high 😉 believe you are beautiful and you will radiate it!

He wants to cheat… should you join him?

Cheating is fast becoming a norm! As a matter of fact, many women accept it as a relationship factor alongside other factors like giving, going on dates, emotional support etc. Many women are willing to join what I can only describe as a harem because they’d rather share their man openly than have a ‘cheating’ boyfriend. I really should applaud men that are able to convince women to become part of such; it really has to be the women who need psychological re-programming because I refuse to believe a man can force you to become part of his crew of power puff girls except you’re willing.

There’s something that tingles in a good way, in a girl’s heart when a man in a relationship (not necessarily married) approaches her and offers a relationship. Yes, he’s offering her a relationship as a side dish but still, something about the admiration he has for her excites her and most of the time, it’s not necessarily because she wants to cheat, it’s because she feels like the winner of a competition that’s not even happening.

“Men are competitive beings because of testosterone” Men do not compete with each other everyday at work in order to get a compliment from everyone (at least straight men don’t). Men are hardly secretly resenting each other because well, Tom has a BMW and Dave still has to make do with a Toyota tazz. Whoever said men are competitive because of testosterone clearly did not do a lot of research on oestrogen! Men compete when there’s a defined competition on the table. We women? We can do it all year long – every hour of the day, every day of the week, every week of the month…you get the gist. We compete over everything even though we don’t like to admit it. It gets worse when an alpha female joins the office – she looks good, smells good, has firm thighs, no signs of cellulite or stretch marks… And it’s that same spirit that we take into cheating.

When a man wants to cheat and approaches us, we feel flattered and think to ourselves “I’m better than his partner”. Some of us quickly remember to tell ourselves “I’m way better than being any man’s spare wheel that he can turn to when the ‘main’ wheel is flat while the rest of us feed the “I’m better than his partner” notion until we reach a point of no return…. A point where he’s giving excuses about how leaving his partner would break her heart, afterall she was with him when he had nothing; a point where he’s becoming irritated whenever he sees your number calling and he starts yelling, or a point where, after squeezing all he can get out of you (fun, a shoulder to cry on, support, help with a project, sex etc) he starts acting cold and disconnected from you and you’re left to wonder and question every conversation you had with him just to try to figure out where things went wrong.

Men usually cheat because they’re missing something in their relationship and don’t have the patience to wait for their partner to give it to them; they are big toddlers, even though they refuse to admit it; and sometimes, they cheat because they can. It doesn’t matter if they have supermodel partners or the woman with the highest IQ lying next to them everyday, or even the most supportive girlfriend anyone can think of…they cheat.

As a woman, you should not be the spare wheel he turns to when he’s bored in his relationship. You should not be the girl who has to leave the room first and he leaves 20 minutes later simply because he doesn’t want people to see you together. You shouldn’t be the one he takes to dinghy hotel rooms to hide the affair and he even asks you to use your name for reservations because well, girlfriend can’t trace your name, she doesn’t know who you are. Truth be told, most times she doesn’t know you exist! Not because she’s an idiot as he would have you believe but because he’s the most loving man on earth when he’s with her. I know when married men want to cheat, many of them say “We don’t even have sex anymore”, appealing to the compassionate woman in you, yet, four months down the line, you see the wife with a bulging belly that says “baby on the way”. How on earth did that happen?!

Don’t play his game. It feels good to be flattered; when you’ve been single for a long time, it feels great for someone to approach you and tell you how wonderful you are, even if he’s already hooked but don’t feed the “I’m better than his partner” notion till you find yourself in a place you can’t understand.

I know some of you would argue that you actually found love that way; it happens! He could have made a wrong decision and realised it after meeting you. Sometimes, you meet a man in a relationship and he realises you’re what he has been looking for all this while. In that case, that man will go out of his way to show you that you mean everything, including putting the other woman out of her misery and not making you his main wheel, but his only wheel. When you break down, he’ll be with you because he has no spare, when you’re pumped up again, the ride continues.

Mr Right, where are you???!!!

  •                                                                                                                                               Miss Right Residence
  •                                                                                                                                               1, Patiently waiting boulevard
  •                                                                                                                                               City of Singles, 0000, Planet earth.

To whom it may concern

Dear Mr. Right,

I hope you started 2014 with a good bang!!! I mean a  good bang on the head because you deserve it! Don’t play ignorant with me; You know very well what i am talking about.

I was told to expect you in 2013 but I waited and waited to no avail; God has surely blessed me with patience; he definitely knew you were not going to show up in 2013. Where on earth are you? I spent days, weeks, and all the months of the year waiting for you. Scratch that…i have been waiting for you since I was sixteen!!! I have been learning to be a proper lady, reading God’s word and growing to become the nurturing woman I ought to be. I have completed all my courses in “Becoming an amazing wife 101”, getting distinctions in all my assignments, but for some reason, you still think I deserve to wait.

I was told you can’t find me if I stay holed up in my apartment all day, reading the bible so I decided to meet you quarter or halfway so you can at least find me. Don’t feed me the excuse that you’ve been looking for me too. Looking where exactly? I have been to all the places I was told you could be, possibly asking for directions on how to reach me. I tried the gym first of all because when I prayed, I prayed for a healthy fit man but you were not there! All the men I met there were self-absorbed chauvinists that were only interested in showing me their biceps…yes they were nicely built containers but they offered no valuable contents, I just had to move on.

I tried to join a community service group; afterall, i did pray for a man who is humble and loves to give to those in need but you were not there. I met many “Mr. Right nows” that were doing community service, not because they derived joy in it but it made them feel less guilty about their wealth. I wasn’t interested.

I tried the malls because I prayed you’ll be a man who understands my love for fashion and a man who will be in  a position to spoil me silly; tough luck for me – all I met were creeps that winked at me and licked their lips, making me wonder if turtle-neck long sleeve, ankle-length dresses were the new fashion statements that screamed “A wink at me will get you a kiss and a lick of your lips will get me in bed.” I definitely got the heebie-jeebies and decided you were not hanging out at the mall. I wanted to try sitting alone at restaurants believing you will see me, strike a conversation and we will realize we are meant for each other but i did not want to come across as a single depressed and desperate soul. I did try cinemas, skating rinks and even clubs and pubs, though I was warned sternly that I may never find you there! Well, they were right. You were not in the pubs and though I was tempted with the idea of flashy hot and suave men, I had to stick to my mission – waiting for you Mr. right

ImageDon’t laugh just yet and tell me you’ve been hiding in church, looking for me there. I have looked there, countless times! sometimes, i opened my eyes during prayers to see if your eyes were wandering around by any chance, perhaps, eye contact could convince you that I am the one but you have not been there. Don’t get me started on the different ‘genre’ of men i have met at the church. i would love to go into details but I think it’s better i do that in person. I have even tried blind dates where I sat there the whole time wondering “Has it really come to this?” I even lied I was going to powder my nose once on a blind date; instead, I grabbed my car keys and drove straight home to the company of my blanket and a nice tub of blueberry cheesecake ice cream.

I have now come to the conclusion that you are either somewhere resting because I’m far away and you need all your strength to find me, or you are lost (which is the more plausible explanation, considering I did not ask for a man who resides at the north pole) but I did ask for a man and studies have shown men hate asking for directions…they’ll rather get lost and try to find their way over and over and over again.

Well, I am not going to sit here, waiting for your no-direction-asking self to show up when I’m about to hit menopause. I have asked God to send you a GPS device! You’d better use it and get here soon! I just hope you are not stuck in a tree in the middle of nowhere.

Signed:

All the single ladies

xoxo.

He who finds a wife…

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).

I have heard this bible verse so many times that I often find myself reciting it automatically to men that have an aversion to marriage. I recited it without really thinking there was any depth to it. I’ve heard it at almost every wedding I’ve attended, at church seminars for singles, at meetings organised to uplift women and help them build their self-esteem in their relationships… Yeah that bible verse has been around so that explains why it’s been stuck in my head even though I barely understood it.

I never gave it much thought until recently. Being on strict bed rest and unable to do anything remotely energy-consuming, I entertained myself with my thoughts, ‘regurgitating’ some conversations I had with friends. Slowly, a trend started to form in my mind as I remembered conversations I had with many of my married male friends. After the wedding, many of them had testimonies to share- better jobs, new houses, better cars, great financial stability etc.

This bible verse popped into my mind as I thought about those conversations and something became clear. Proverbs 18:22 wasn’t a verse by King Solomon simply to uplift women, it was a fact that this king who was richly blessed with wisdom had noticed during his time!

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from God… In my interpretation, “he who marries God’s daughter (a woman after God’s heart, a woman who trusts God fully, a woman who is led by God in every step she takes) finds a good thing and obtains favour from God. Well, why wouldn’t he?

Imagine if you married the daughter of a businessman who owned various companies across the country? If you were living a good life before your wedding, you can be assured that you’ll live a much better life after the wedding because such a father wouldn’t want his daughter to lack anything. How much more our God that owns the heavens and the earth in all its entirety?

A male friend of mine that recently got married confided in me that his wedding cost 35,000 dollars- an amount that caused him to stagger when he first heard the budget. But somehow, things started falling into place. He had been struggling to get a job but after sealing the deal, a top position in a foreign country opened and he got it, he got a beautiful new car, he got more money than expected from his research group, he became blessed in every way…. I smiled as he testified to God’s goodness- he married God’s daughter.

You might be wondering….’How do I know she’s God’s daughter?’ Well, here are some things I know:

God’s daughter is beautiful inside and out, she has a heart of gold, she’s ready to give, ready to support, she’s thankful even when life offers sour lemons, she lives by God’s word, she praises Him even when she’s being tormented by the devil.

God’s daughter is not lazy; she doesn’t sit around and expect everything to be handed out to her! She gets up every morning with a plan to do something great with herself. God’s daughter is decent in her appearance, she is decent with her language, she doesn’t curse and swear at everyone on the street. God’s daughter is imperfect and she knows it but she accepts her imperfections and believes there’s a lot for God to carve into her.

God’s daughter is a pillar of strength to her man. She is ready to fight their relationship battles in prayer, she is loving, selfless and kind. No matter how successful she is, she is humble and submissive, though she’s assertive and strong when the need arises.

It is a proven fact! When you marry God’s daughter, he has no choice than to bless you richly. He doesn’t want the apple of his eye to lack anything so he will fill your heart and home with joy! This is not to say men are not precious to God. We all are, irrespective of gender but you have to agree with me, there must be something special about a woman that made King Solomon write that verse.

“He who finds a wife (not a selfish woman, not a woman driven only by the pleasures of this world, not a woman who’s too lazy to even have aspirations for her future, not a woman who’s only there for the good times, but a woman who understands the sanctity of marriage and walks with her hand in God’s hands all the time) finds a good thing and obtains favour from God!

Merry christmas in advance dear followers and visitors. May this season bring you all great happiness and blessings in all your endeavours.

Do share your thoughts about this verse! I would like to know what you think. God bless!

Message to the last single girls: STOP!

It is funny  (I don’t mean funny Ha-ha) how life can spiral out of control and we believe we have no control over it. Of course there are times it feels like fate has conspired against you and everything is really beyond your control, but that excuse is extra-flimpsy when it comes to matters of the heart.

Dear single lady, it must be hard going from one relationship to the other and failing every time. Sometimes, you know it’s not your fault everything bit the dust and there are other times you just wish you could have done  a lot more to save your relationship. You endure emotional abuse, you try to mould a frog into a prince, you even try to play saviour and save him from his hell-bent heart but nothing works…don’t stress, I’m not judging. I’ve been there, done that and nope I didn’t get the t-shirt. I was manufacturing the t-shirts until God closed down that factory and hung the stop sign right in front of my face

stop sign

Dear single lady, it is time for you to put an end to vicious cycles too. STOP accepting to be the second best! If Mr. whoever is in a relationship with someone else, then HELL NO you can’t be his muse on the side! It all seems cool and intriguing at first when he is promising you a trip on a flying carpet but believe me, the intrigue doesn’t last long when he realises he can get the milk without having to buy the cow. Who wants to tend to a cow, feed it, keep it warm in winter and have a grazing ground for it in summer when they can get all the milk they need for free?

STOP enduring emotional abuse! People often say “I said those things because I was so angry, I didn’t mean to call you a bastard or a bitch” Puhlease! Arguments, debates, whatever they are should be based on respect still. Don’t endure a relationship where you are spoken to condescendingly, where you have no right to be yourself, where you feel empty and distraught all the time. Don’t let the fear of being single lead you to an emotional grave.

STOP acting aloof when it comes to your appearance. Yeah yeah “beauty comes from within” but men that love intelligent women won’t queue up to hear your theories on quantum physics, nor are they capable of reading your mind. The first thing they see is you – your body, your smile, your fashion sense, your hair…everything that makes them seem shallow. Don’t judge, we all know we judge men by their looks too before we even decide to speak to them. Put some effort into your appearance. Don’t take yourself too seriously not to. Don’t say “dressing up makes me look like I need a man”or “my man will find me”. My dear, it will be hard for him to find you if you blend in with the furniture. In an effort to stand out, don’t wear too much makeup, you’ll look like an infant poured a whole lot of colour over a drawing paper. Don’t dress indecently; dresses with your boobs spilling out or your bum in transparent leggings for the world to see are not going to help you get a man but you’ll get a dog. Perhaps, you’ll be happy with that.

STOP walking around looking like the economic recession of the world is your fault. Smile; when someone smiles at you at the bank, smile back, exude happiness, be positive. believe it or not, it shows on your face. Be willing to pay other people compliments and accept the compliments they pay you. When a person says “That’s a nice dress”, don’t reply with “Oh! Is it?” or “I think it looks funny”. Say thank you and let them see that you mean it.

STOP over-feeding or under-feeding yourself. Obesity is not attractive, nor is anorexia. To be happy and positive, your health is important! Keep yourself healthy! Don’t indulge in unhealthy habits that will cut your life short or rob you of happiness.

STOP self-abuse. I was speaking with a friend yesterday and he  told me he self-abuses a lot by saying things that are derogatory to himself. Stop it! Every time you have the urge to self-abuse, try these ‘pick me up lines’

“I do my best always”, “I am smart in spite of my mistakes’ “What I did was wrong and I forgive myself” “I will do better next time” “God loves me in spite of my flaws”.

 I use these lines when I feel down and out. They have never failed especially when I add some low-fat frozen yoghurt to the mix 😉

STOP playing saviour! I have heard and seen many women play financial saviour, emotional saviour, even accommodation and feeding saviour. That’s like buying a puppy and grooming it so it grows to like you. You are his partner, not his mother. Don’t get me wrong, you can be supportive  of him but don’t make it a habit to wear the pants in the relationship. You’re his woman, be content in your skirt.

STOP acting like you’ll die if he leaves you. Every man likes to know his woman is content being by herself though she loves him so much she would love for things to work out. Don’t become that obsessive woman who isolates him from everyone else or tries to spend every second of everyday with him. Please spend some time with yourself. Have your own friends separate from his. It’s good to give a man some breathing space. You need the space too to think and reflect and have some crazy fun with your girls when he’s not there.

Some people think the saddest thing in life is loving someone who doesn’t reciprocate it but the saddest thing I’ve seen is a woman loving a man so much that she’d endure a unfulfilling and abusive relationship, forgetting that she is mighty special too.

Be a “Gold-digger”

These days, I see women thrown from one relationship to another, not exactly sure of who they are and worse, not knowing for sure what they deserve. I see many females, in a bid not be called gold-diggers settling for what I can only describe as rotten wood or perhaps sawdust that can be blown away and scattered by the wind in a matter of seconds…. Afterall, if he’s not poor and struggling to make ends meet, he is not a good guy….right? Right????

Why is it that it’s called gold-digging when a woman chooses to go for a man who has everything she has and more but when a man does it, it’s called true love? Why is that we women fail to realize who we are and what we deserve, and instead live our lives trying to satisfy the requirements of society? What is gold digging anyway? Is it having a college degree,a professional job, being able to afford your own home, a car, having substantial savings in the bank and wanting a man who has the same?

some people are even digging for diamonds

If you are a woman who has managed to pull through the adversaries of life, the stress of making a name for yourself, building a career and pushing hard to be better every time, then really, you should be a ‘Gold-digger’. By Gold digging, I don’t mean you need to go after his wallet, you already have yours. But you need to have someone who shares the same values as you do, someone who you are intellectually compatible with and someone who you are financially compatible with. You might wonder at the term “financial compatibility” but trust me it is important. We all know that love and kisses don’t pay anyone’s bills and money is one of the major reasons couples fight. Why then would you want to settle for a man who does not contribute to your wellbeing in any way, a man who sits on the couch all day and tells you he’s trying to become the next David Guetta yet you don’t hear any beats from his computer? A man who sits around and does nothing all day, waiting for you to work your ass off, bring the money home so he can buy the latest Lacoste sneakers? You settle for such a man and then get mad at the world and even at him for not trying to make something of himself. Hellooooo…you chose to settle for him, knowing he is not driven in any way, knowing he is blind when it comes to vision and knowing for sure that he is willing to let you be the sole provider.

When i say “dig for gold”, I mean dig for a man with substance! Any man can sit in a flashy car and wear an expensive Armani suit but not many men have visions or dreams. Many of them don’t even have a steady source of income. Like my girls would say, they are hustlers, looking for a chic that’s willing to ride the wave for just the moment. They have no interest in your future dreams and aspirations nor do they have any interest in helping you become the best you can be. Money is all they can offer and that’s just it.

Dig for a man who is profound with his thoughts, a man who is able to be your man (not ‘every woman on the street’s’ man), dig for a man who you can connect with not just sexually – intellectual connection is important too otherwise the relationship will be characterised by many baseless arguments that do not make any sense. Dig for a man with a good heart, a man who can look after you even though you have your own source of income. Remember, before God gave Eve to Adam, he gave Adam a job – to name the animals and to tend to the Garden of Eden. The job paid Adam with accommodation and food which was all he needed! A man’s role is to provide and protect. a woman’s role is to support and provide comfort in hard times.

While you are in search of all these, don’t be an idle woman too! An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Eve was idle, walking around the garden with nothing to do, while Adam was tending to it which is why the devil was able to tempt her with the forbidden fruit. If Adam had been the idle one, he most likely would have been the easy target. Don’t be one of those women that walk around with painted faces but no substance. In other words, don’t be a fancy container with no contents.

Like calls to Like. If you are made of gold, you will certainly attract gold or something much better. Go for a man who cares about your soul, your body, your dreams, your aspirations… a man that won’t stifle you or make you less of who and what ought you to be. That is real gold right there!

Hey miss! Got something to hide? (2)

I don’t know about you but it has been one long busy week! Whew! *wipes sweat* Thank Goodness it’s Friday yeah? so we have time to catch some fun and reward ourselves for the laborious week. Well, before we hit the pubs, clubs or whatever rocks your boat, let’s meet my favourite lady.

Last week, I mentioned Miss ‘up in the air with my stilts’ and many people are curious to meet her. Somehow I suspect, many people want to know if this particular shoe  fits so I decided not to kill them with anticipation and introduce my favourite lady of all time.

Have you ever tried walking on Stilts? I have and thanks to my lack of balance, I fell like a pack of cards; that’s what makes Miss Stilts different; she hardly falls and when she does, she hides it perfectly.

You see, Miss ‘up in the air with my stilts’ is an identity thief! No she doesn’t need your passport or your last name…(Well, except you are one of the Gates’ and the Dangotes), she just needs your status to be bestowed on her and she will act the part, talk the talk and if necessary, walk the walk to sound relevant to the who’s who of the society – and by society, this could be a small village, a classroom, an office or even a group of friends.

Miss Stilts is a name-dropper; Bottega veneta, Christian Louboutin, Tom Ford, Salvatore Ferragamo, Marc Jacobs, Michael Kors, Jimmy Choo.. Don’t forget Prada, Vera Wang and even Kurt Geiger (this is a male designer but she doesn’t care about that)… she will drop any name just to have you stare at her in admiration. Did I forget Roberto cavalli and Thierry Mugler?

She is the type that can’t afford a pin from any of these shops but she keeps dropping names to make you think she’s living the celebrity life. She has an accent to go with her name-dropping- sounds like she swallowed her tongue but the ‘gullibles’ around her are sucked in by it.

She’s the type you go shopping with and she would walk into every designer store but not buy even a 10ml bottle of nail polish. She would simply roll her eyes and say the words “they just don’t have what I am looking for.” Sure they don’t! What shes’s looking for is approval from others to accept herself. Does that sound weird? let me explain and rephrase.

You see Miss Stilts is a lady from an average family in most cases- they are not doing too good nor are they doing bad. they can afford the basic necessities- food, clothes from your everyday store or even the flea market and they have a roof over their heads. Miss Stilts goes out into the world and is easily intimidated because she is uncomfortable in her real skin so she buys another skin from her imagination- the skin of a spoilt young girl that has everything everyone wants and more. In that skin, she is daddy’s little girl, the one daddy would hire a jet for to drop her off at college just because there’s a bit of traffic on the way…. to cut a long story short, Miss stilts is a liar- that’s why I have called her Miss Stilts. She is not herself- Stilts make you taller than you actually are but they are so uncomfortable to walk with and the chances of you falling over are high…except you are a pro 😉

The pro version of Miss Stilts is the type you will never catch in a lie. A lady once told me robbers broke into her family house and stole the swimming poolImage

(that’s the beginner version of Miss Stilts). You will never catch Miss Pro stilts out on a lie except you sit and take time to analyse every sentence in which case, you would have to have a lot of time on your hands.  Miss Pro Stilts is the girl with the British accent that sounds real even though she has been sweating it out in a slum in Africa all her life (like a friend of mine once said- they get their accent from DSTV :D); She’s the girl that has done everything you have and more even if it’s something bad… In my first year of college, I met a Miss Stilts Pro. I decided to test her one day so I said “I broke my neck once”. She quickly jumped up and said “Oh! I broke my neck, my two arms and my back this one time, it was so painful”

You see, Miss Stilts’ fear is that she might blend into the environment and no one would notice her so she gets her stilts on to appear and stay relevant; she’s the type to rent a bathroom-size room in an up-class neighbourhood at an exorbitant price rather than live in a middle-class neighbourhood because she thinks to herself “If people see me living in that middle-class neighbourhood, they will lose all respect for me”. She’s the type to run to the fashion outlets when any amount of money comes her way, forget about food, she needs to be seen in a new dress at the next barbecue party… It’s a problem- she’s scared to fall off her stilts and become irrelevant…

Dear Miss Stilts, I have news for you; no one cares about your designer names that you learn from a fashion directory booklet or the neighbourhood you live in. It’s not what you have that makes you relevant in the world, it’s what you project from the inside. Your stilts are worn out of fear, fear that if you show the world who you truly are, people will laugh and point in your face. Come on! We are all struggling here!  Everyone has a story to share; almost everyone wishes for a fancy high class background but we don’t all get what we want, do we?

There is beauty in being yourself; You’re the only ‘you’ on earth- the original, the first. Enjoy it and pursue your dreams; achieve your dreams and you won’t need stilts to be relevant. Remember life is too short to spend it being someone else.

Can you identify the Miss Stilts in your lives? No need to mention names; just give me some of the juicy details about them being pros or beginners!

Till next week beautiful ladies! XOXO